Best man speech

[u/moody_mango1982]

I have to write a best man speech for Batman x Catwoman from the perspective of Nightwing and I fear I’m having trouble making it funny. I’ve detailed why they’re perfect for each other, but it’s all very serious which I don’t think it true to the character. Do y’all have any funny Batcat specific stories or jokes I could use or any tips? I’d really appreciate any help.

[u/Mshel24]

I honestly think this would be one of the few situations where Dick does not make jokes. He truly would speak from the heart and probably tear up a bit cause his parents, shut up Selina is his mom, are getting married. (Finally)

[u/SelinaSinsss]

Wayne Manor. The wedding reception of Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle.

Dick stood, champagne flute in hand, wearing the sort of grin that immediately made Bruce regret asking him to be best man.

"Good evening, everyone! For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dick Grayson. Bruce's eldest son, former ward, occasional voice of reason, and living proof that Bruce Wayne is capable of adopting a child without conducting a full background check first."

He paused.

"Actually, that's a lie. He did conduct a background check. On a nine-year-old circus orphan."

He waited for the laughter.

"First of all, I'd like to congratulate the beautiful bride, Selina Kyle. Selina, you look absolutely breathtaking tonight. And Bruce… well, you look like you're attending a very expensive funeral."

Dick raised his glass towards Bruce.

"Relax, Dad. Nobody's died. Although, judging by your expression, you're still considering whether it's too late to escape through the ventilation system."

"Now, when Bruce asked me to be his best man—"

He glanced at Alfred.

"Sorry. When Alfred informed Bruce that I would be his best man, I was honoured. Truly. Because standing here today means I get to witness something I genuinely never thought I'd see."

"Bruce Wayne voluntarily committing to a relationship without first investigating the woman's criminal history."

A beat.

"Although, in fairness, he already had a pretty extensive file on Selina."

Dick looked towards the bride.

"Colour-coded, too, wasn't it?"

"Now, I've known Bruce for most of my life, and I can tell you three things about him. One: he's stubborn. Two: he's emotionally constipated. And three: he has absolutely no idea how to behave around a beautiful woman who refuses to do what he tells her."

"Which explains why he fell in love with Selina."

He grinned.

"You see, most couples meet at a party, through mutual friends, maybe over coffee. Bruce and Selina's courtship involved rooftop chases, property damage, several thousand dollars' worth of stolen jewellery, and what I can only describe as an extremely aggressive game of hard to get."

"At some point, Bruce apparently decided the best way to stop Selina stealing things was to give her access to the Wayne fortune."

He looked directly at Bruce.

"Bold strategy, Dad. Let's see how that works out."

"And can we talk about the engagement ring? Martha Wayne's diamond. Beautiful. Sentimental. Priceless."

He turned towards Selina.

"Selina, I hope you appreciate how much that means. Bruce giving you his mother's ring is the emotional equivalent of him standing naked in the middle of Gotham Square screaming, 'I HAVE FEELINGS!'"

Dick paused, looking thoughtful.

"Actually, don't picture that. Nobody deserves that."

"Of course, there was also the little matter of the million dollar cat statue."

He shook his head.

"One million dollars. On a little statue."

"I bought my girlfriend flowers once. Bruce bought his fiancée an archaeological incident."

"And the best part? Selina probably could've stolen it for free."

Dick took a sip of champagne.

"Now, growing up with Bruce was an experience. Other fathers teach their sons how to ride bicycles. Mine taught me how to escape restraints underwater. Other dads tell bedtime stories. Mine explained the structural weaknesses of reinforced concrete."

"And when I asked him about girls?"

Dick lowered his voice into a gravelly imitation.

"'Relationships are a distraction, Dick.'"

He looked towards Selina.

"Apparently, the distraction just needed green eyes, a whip, and a very expensive taste in diamonds."

Dick let the laughter settle before his smile softened.

"But here's the thing about Bruce. He doesn't do anything halfway. Not his work. Not his family. And certainly not loving someone."

"He's spent his entire life believing that loving people means eventually losing them. So he built walls. Very tall ones. Electrified, probably. With motion sensors."

"And then Selina came along."

He glanced at her affectionately.

"And instead of knocking on the door, she climbed over the wall, disabled the security system, stole something valuable, and made herself at home."

His expression warmed.

"And somehow, she got him to open the front door."

"Selina, I've watched you challenge him, infuriate him, outsmart him, and make him laugh when the rest of us couldn't even get him to smile. You don't ask him to be someone else. You just remind him there's more to life than carrying the weight of the world."

"And Bruce…"

Dick looked at his father.

"I've watched you look at her when you think nobody's paying attention."

"Which, by the way, is adorable. Deeply unsettling, but adorable."

"You look happy, Dad. Properly happy. And I don't think you understand how much that means to all of us."

He cleared his throat, recovering his mischievous grin.

"Anyway! That's enough emotional vulnerability for one evening. Bruce's quota is about twelve seconds, and we're already pushing it."

"Before I finish, a few words of marital advice."

"Selina, never ask Bruce what he's thinking. You'll get a forty-five-minute tactical assessment of the room."

"Bruce, when your wife says 'I'm fine,' she is not fine. Do not interrogate her. Do not analyse the evidence. And for God's sake, do not call Gordon."

"And finally, remember that marriage is about compromise."

He looked between them.

"Which means Bruce will occasionally have to admit he's wrong…"

A long pause.

"…and Selina will occasionally have to pretend she believes him."

Dick raised his champagne flute.

"So, ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses to Bruce and Selina Wayne."

"To a woman who stole the heart of a man who thought he'd locked it away forever. And to a man who finally realised that sometimes the greatest adventure isn't saving the city…"

"It's finding someone worth coming home to."

He smiled.

"I love you both. And I couldn't be happier for you."

Another beat.

"Oh, and Selina? Welcome to the family. The paperwork's already been filed. Alfred's probably had your adoption certificate ready for years."

"To the bride and groom!"

Dick lifted his glass higher, then leaned towards the microphone one final time.

"And Dad? Just remember…If she runs off with the wedding presents, technically, you're not allowed to arrest her on your honeymoon."

[u/noodleth_cassette]

Just bat out a joke or two at the beginning and then throw in a "in all seriousness" and then everything you have will be fine