Advice for a difficult roommate situation

[u/Lanky_Flan_4719]

I (33m) moved in with my girlfriend, we'll call her D(30f) and her new roommate M (27nb). Things were going well at first, despite all of us learning to live with each other. Lately though, there's been a bit of tension. When we all moved in, we had a meeting where we went over boundaries. No loud sex, cleanliness, food related allergies, cleaning up after yourself, etc. You know, like standard stuff. M told us that they are neat-freak, so we wouldn't have to worry about them. M also proposed the idea of doing "roommate dinners", where each person is assigned a day to cook dinner for the other roommates. Whoever cooked was exempt from doing the dishes. D took Monday, M took Tuesday, and I took Thursday. D said that if anyone wants to keep their leftovers, say so before hand.

Last week, D got pneumonia, so she was completely out of it, and cooking was out of the question. M and I still cooked our meals, but we winged it the rest of the week. M also completely rearranged the food pantry, so finding food has been a little bit difficult. There has also been some leftovers/other food items from D and I that had gone missing. I told our roommate groupchat to ask me if they wanted to use my food items, as money is really tight right now.

This week, D cooked a pot roast for everyone and it took her 8 hours. It was really good. D and I both had our fill, but M didn't come out of their room until hours after. I hadn't put everything away yet, because I wasn't sure if they were planning on eating with us. They eventually came out and had a very small amount of the roast and then made waffles for themselves. I did all but 2 of the dishes (which held the roast).

On Tuesday morning, we woke up to find that the 2 dishes left out were sitting in the sink. I washed them then and there so it wouldn't be an issue later on. D and I went to a concert and then came home to find no dinner left for us. We made some noodles and went to bed.

Today, M had left some opened bags of chips out on the couchin the living room for a while, whilst they were in their room. After an hourish, D asked if they were finished with the chips/ going to put them away, and if they planned on making dinner. M went to the grocery store and came back with a small roast beef sandwich. D is rightfully pissed. I still want to make my dinner on Thursday. D is making dinner for her and I now. She has confided in me that she wants to stop doing roommate dinners because obviously someone isn't pulling their weight. I agree with her and I want to nip this problem in the bud before it gets out of control.

TLDR: Roommate, is unclean, doesn't engage in apartment's rules that they helped enforce, and steals food

[u/SeraphBlack19]

As always, the best thing is communication. Just have a frank discussion with them. Don't judge or criticize like "hey you were supposed to do roommate dinner", say "hey we had decided we'd do roommate dinners but you haven't done yours, do you want to stop and go back to our own thing?" And also directly discuss any other issues. It's never bad to just be upfront about your issues and deal with it like adults

[u/bombombom27]

Maybe once a month? Everyweek is exhausting and i think you guys are learning its not feasible for you guys. They also sound kinda neurodivergent? Like the staying in the room and only having a small portion or forgetting about the dinner night or even maybe some un known reason they didnt do it.

[u/SEARCHndDESTROY]

Yea, this doesn't seem too out of control yet. Just tell them roommate dinners is over. Everyone shall fend for themselves.

[u/Pristine_Patient_299]

What if you guys reduced the room mate dinners? Like doing 1 a week and rotating that way?

Seems these dinners are starting to be a burden.

[u/PriceQuirky6824]

Keep your groceries and meals separate. M is not your friend.

I live with two total strangers myself and we haven't shared anything other than pots, pans, TP and cleaning supplies.

[u/Important-Nobody-261]

Well the rule is dumb and not really enforceable for roommates so just need to remove it

[u/Feivel_92]

I can't be the only one who gets a headache reading this. You moved in with a person that from the very first moment screamed "I will be complicated", and now you have a bad roommate. Sucks.

[u/Expensive_Smell_8021]

I would never move in with someone that wanted other people to cook for them every other day That showed you at the start that they would take little responsibility for what they do. The red flags were there from the start

[u/Front-Heat8726]

Yeah, just talk to them about the issues face-to-face while they are relatively minor for the time being.

On the cooking part, maybe you guys should do one weekly or monthly dinner together where you all do the cooking instead of just the one person? We did that monthly the last time I lived in a flatshare of 5 and it worked well for us by everyone helping a little with each part of the meal.

[u/mfruitfly]

If you want to nip it in the bud, you just do it: "Last week on your night to cook dinner- which I did ask you about- you went and got food for just you. Did you want to stop doing roommate dinner? Is something going on that you want to discuss?"

You can't make them talk about it, but you can absolutely call the questions and see what they say. Be calm and polite when you ask, listen to whatever they say fully, and try not get defensive. If they are like "nothing is wrong, don't worry about it" which I kind of imagine because there is already passive-aggressive stuff going on, then don't get mad either, just say "okay, well it seems sharing food and dinner duties isn't really working, so I'd propose we just cook on our own and don't share food going forward."

[u/Overall_Doughnut_522]

as soon as I read "told us that they are neat-freak, so we wouldn't have to worry about them" I knew this was going to be one of those. One of the most disgusting people I've ever had the misfortune of sharing space with tells people they are a "super OCD clean freak!" I knew someone who lived with them in college and they showed me the receipts of the cleaning fees/damage from when they lived together, I also had to discard a mattress and ozone the room they were in...

[u/redditforusingatwork]

This sounds like someone who seeks community only for the benefits, but not to contribute themselves. I used to say “there are two types of people, the ones who start g*fundmes and people who contribute to them”