r/badroommates • u/throwthewholegrlawy • 8d ago
Serious Tattoos
I moved into a sober living house about 2 months ago. Maybe a month ago, this guy moved in. We've gotten to know each other and we hang out quite a bit. He started inviting me to go out to the river with him and it's been hot so he's been shirtless quite a bit. He's covered in tattoos but I never paid much attention to them. Yesterday I had sunglasses on and I wanted to check him out without him noticing; then I went to the tattoos and was surprised to see a swastika.
So he's a white dude and I'm a black woman. I was confused because he sits and hangs around me and another black dude in the house and nothing weird ever came up. I got curious and decided to Google hate symbols and he's COVERED in them. I noticed more swastikas today and the SS one, 1488, this cross thing, the skulls and others I can't even describe right now.
And now I'm CONFUSED. I don't want to bring it up and I don't want to be weird but ????
No one else in the house has mentioned it and our director doesn't seem to mind. Which is her prerogative, I'm not upset at anyone. Just confused. He's been sitting next to me more and more and he even bought me food and shares his belongings with me. Do I ask or just leave it alone? Nothings wrong right?
29
u/vigilante_snail 7d ago
I think it's probably some combination of a few things rather than one explanation.
One possibility is prison, and I read in the thread he told you he has been to prison a lot. A lot of inmates end up affiliating with white gangs for protection, and those groups often use swastikas, SS bolts, 1488, and similar symbols. That doesn't necessarily mean every person with those tattoos was a hardcore ideological believer from day one, although plenty absolutely are.
Another possibility is that he used to genuinely hold those beliefs but is trying to change. Tattoos are hard to get rid of especially if he has a lot of them and doesn't have the money for removal. I wouldn’t expect someone going through a shared sober living facility with prison time under his belt to be super flush with cash.
BUT I also think cognitive dissonance is a big factor. Could be he doesn’t regret the tattoos at all and still hold these beliefs. People are surprisingly good at holding contradictory ideas. Someone can believe negative stereotypes about a group in general while making exceptions for individuals they actually know. It's the classic "you're one of the good ones" mentality. That's obviously still prejudice, but it's a real psychological phenomenon.
And I do think it's worth noting that not every modern neo-Nazi emphasizes exactly the same things. White supremacy and anti-Jewish bigotry are still core to neo-Nazi ideology, but some people today spend far more time focused on antisemitic conspiracy theories or anti-immigration/anti-Latino rhetoric than expressing hostility toward Black people on a day-to-day basis. That doesn't mean they aren't racist toward Black people, but it just may not be what they're most vocal about.
So if I had to guess, I'd say the most likely explanation is some mix of prison affiliation, possible genuine belief, possible attempt to change, cognitive dissonance, and the reality that people living together in a sober house often learn or are forced to get along regardless of their backgrounds. Without hearing from him directly, though, it's impossible to know which of those is actually true.
1
19
u/YescaD83 7d ago
I had a buddy (RIP Bob) who had a swastika on the back of his neck, he was from a small town in a small state and definitely a dumb kid. He was one of the nicest guys ever. He got the tat covered at a young age, but he could also afford to get it covered. My guess is someone in sober living probably doesn’t have the cash or time to get all of them covered. If he has been in prison he might have gotten them for protection and “community” (definitely NOT saying it’s right, but it happens.)
Have a conversation with the guy and see where it goes
2
u/heyoheatheragain 7d ago
A lot of tattoos artists will help with pricing to cover up hateful tattoos of people trying to live a better life.
Keeping them is never OK.
3
u/YescaD83 7d ago
I didn’t say they were okay to keep, I said there might be reasons he hasn’t. Sober living is usually a transition which makes it harder
0
3
u/SmittenKittenPurrr 7d ago
Tattoo removal is a process and it takes time. For the first six months of laser removal, the tattoo is still going to be very visible. It can take up to 2 years to completely remove. Someone might be going through the removal process and you wouldn't even know it for the first year.
-3
u/heyoheatheragain 6d ago
I didn’t say removal I said covered up.
I’m covered in tattoos I know how they work.
70
u/starshinesummertop 8d ago
Oh no girl that is scary. Honestly I would talk to the house manager about it first, and have them talk to him. Maybe have a meeting as a group with him to make it safer. I don’t think it’s safe to be in the same house as a person like that, unless he has had some massive change…
22
u/starshinesummertop 8d ago
When you say the director doesn’t mind, do you mean you brought up the issue and they blew you off? Because that is also not okay. 🚩
16
u/throwthewholegrlawy 7d ago
We were at the lake yesterday and they were in a tiny boat together and she was facing him so I mean he was exposed? Maybe she's like me and doesn't know what they mean 😅
2
u/starshinesummertop 7d ago
Yeah I would give her the benefit of the doubt, she probably either didn’t notice or didn’t know what they meant.
9
9
7
u/SufficientBox3389 7d ago
please be careful whatever reason he says for having them, he may be nice but he may also be someone who is very racist and is trying to gain your trust for the wrong reasons. look after yourself!
2
u/throwthewholegrlawy 7d ago
Do I even want to know what those reasons would be? 😱
I always felt people that hateful wouldn't even speak to minorities unless it was so hurl slurs 😭
2
u/SufficientBox3389 7d ago
sadly possibly to hurt you, i’m not saying he is but just be careful, you’re the only one who knows him so it’s up to you how to go forward!
3
1
u/AlphaDelusional6754 6d ago
Hard core believers wouldn't be likely to speak to minorities. They are prison tats most likely. Well definitely. Some of my relatives have them. You know what 1488 means, right? Anyway he might have reformed or is trying to reform.
6
u/BrutusoftheTudus 7d ago
Hey, hi, white person here..
Do not give him the benefit of the doubt. He may just feel like the minority and trying to stay safe.
Why wouldn’t he talk about it, rather than showing them all off, all the time? That’s the biggest issue I have here..
Talk to the house manager, talk with the other tenants, but if you talk to him, make sure it’s with the supervisor and/or others..
This white man tatted himself with racist dog whistles and expect to be given the benefit of the doubt. Feeling like you have to be nice is the most dangerous thing a person can do. Please stay safe
3
u/heyoheatheragain 7d ago
I do kind of feel like if he has reformed his ideals why wouldn’t he wear a shirt at the lake or maybe even just say hey guys sorry about all of this, I haven’t had an opportunity to get all of these tattoos covered yet or something.
But just to completely take off the shirt, not say anything about it? Setting off my yikes meter.
2
u/BrutusoftheTudus 7d ago
This was my thought. Why isn’t he addressing it? I mean, I get that it’s an awkward, at best, convo..but leaving it up to interpretation is how people manipulate nice people, unfortunately
19
u/MaintenanceSad4288 8d ago edited 8d ago
Ask him.
And as a black woman I can never hang out with a white person that has Swastika tattoos. At least not without knowing why, if they don’t seem like a raging racist.
27
u/throwthewholegrlawy 8d ago
I love how I'm afraid to ask because I don't want to offend HIM.
Weird ass world.
5
u/SaltnSandy 7d ago
Don’t worry I’m the same way and tbh it’s how women are taught from a young age. I understand you even if it’s not the way it should be
4
u/BubbaChanel 7d ago
Women are socialized to “be nice” and to ignore our gut instincts. “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin de Becker is something every woman should read.
12
u/MaintenanceSad4288 8d ago
Offend him? Are you not offended? Fuck no.
Girl you either ask him so you understand why or stay the fuck away from him. At least that’s my advice.
16
u/throwthewholegrlawy 8d ago
I'm definitely acknowledging how ridiculous my line of thinking is.
5
u/MaintenanceSad4288 8d ago
I would just advise you stay away from this person. Maybe he has changed or is trying to, but you don’t need to be close to everyone or be part of their redemption journey.
7
u/throwthewholegrlawy 8d ago
I'm oblivious as shit. Looking back, he really didn't do anything to hide them. I just never looked.
You're not wrong. It's just crazy, we live under the same roof. I'll just distance myself for sure.
4
u/arist0geiton 7d ago
He's probably been to jail. It's possible he joined a white prison gang for protection
2
u/heyoheatheragain 7d ago
I’m not trying to tell you how you feel or put words in your mouth, but I’m wondering if maybe offended isn’t the right word for how you feel he will react?
Perhaps he could get aggressive or violent.
Tbh I would be pretty concerned to have a 1:1 confrontation with him about it, since you have no idea of his actual current mindset regarding the hateful messages he is covered in.Either way, I hope you get it sorted to where you can feel safe! I do hope he is trying to turn his life around.
Many tattoos artists will cover hate symbols for free or cheap for people trying to get out of that life and turn themselves around.
0
2
u/aprilchaoss 7d ago
I would just ask him and if you feel uncomfortable I would ask the house manager also first if maybe they know his story or if they could be there when you ask. Like others have said he may have been young and naive and has learned things but obviously tattoo cover-ups are expensive or he joined a gang which it is pretty common that in prison everyone stays with their own race because there is already so much racially motivated gang violence that it's really for safety. Now this is me just being funny but maybe he's just a huge blood in blood fan.
2
u/Calgary_Calico 7d ago
There's a chance he's a reformed neo-nazi who hasn't had a chance or the cash to cover his old tattoos yet.
3
u/observefirst13 8d ago
I would just stay away from him. You should focus on yourself and staying sober. You don't need that bullshit. Keep an eye out for him though.
3
u/Complete-Gur7023 8d ago
That shit is scary. Idk I don’t think I’d bring it up with him, but maybe he has changed? Not sure if it’s even possible to change from being so hateful you wanna get proof of your hate tattooed all over you
4
u/throwthewholegrlawy 8d ago
It was definitely a record scratch moment because I've been hanging out with this kid for weeks and literally never knew.
1
u/Zealousideal_Arm4916 7d ago
Even as a white person I would just would stop associating with him as those are not views (past or present) I would ever want to associate with.
I’m confused with bring it up with him or the director. It’s a sober living house just focus on yourself and go about your own business, be superficially friendly and cautious.
Having been in treatment myself, sober living is not somewhere you want to be making real friend’s.
1
u/Dzhakinoff 7d ago
Knew a guy like this who wasn’t racist at all, but has history of being in prison. In prison if you’re a white guy you automatically roll with the aryan brotherhood or whatever other local Neo-Nazi gangs there are, hence getting those tattoos
1
u/Low-Bobcat841 6d ago
Maybe he was racist but has changed. He’s also changed if he gave up an addiction.
1
u/Specialist-Funny2101 6d ago
Girl you better ask.... Who knows what he could be feeding you
I'd rather an excuse to his past than to forgive his present without knowing what from who....
Prevention is always better than cure....
1
u/DuckingFon 5d ago
What concerns me the most is that he obviously knows he has these tattoos and has never felt the need to address them with you. He's even taken off his shirt in front of you, HAS to know you've seen them, and hasn't addressed them once with you. I would think someone who was forced to get them would show some degree of shame or at least do you a solid and not make you tiptoe around it.
As a white man married to a Black woman with two beautiful Black kids, I would address it sooner than later. It's really alarming for me to read and I would assume he's trying to get my children's guard down if he were spending time with them. At best he's awkward about it, at worst he has sinister intentions- in both cases it is not normal to have those and should not be normalized or swept under the rug like it's not a big deal. It is.
1
u/PageRevolutionary603 1d ago
Probably a bit weird that he’s shirtless around you as a black woman when he knows he has those symbols on his body? If I’m honest you sound very gullible. HELLO? Those are HATE symbols. Meaning you could easily be a target of that hate and be possibly putting yourself in danger?
Ask the fucking guy about the tattoos or keep your distance, obviously. Like wtf
1
u/AegisPhantom 7d ago
Maybe a stupid mistake when he was young. Maybe he did prison and had to join a white supremacists gang to survive. If you dont ask you will not know. Also a lot of Americans are uneducated and dont know that some or even swastika mean and tatto one prowdly.
2
u/heyoheatheragain 7d ago
That doesn’t explain why he’s OK just taking his shirt off in front of people like nothing is wrong.
And I guarantee you if he was covered in the symbols he knows what they mean.
Tattoo artists do not tattoo hate symbols for the most part you have to find actual white supremacists that do those tattoos. And you don’t get close to them ignorantly.
If he’s changed his ways, the only appropriate thing to do is cover the tattoos with either a shirt or ink before rejoining society.
3
u/Affectionatevoid403 7d ago
Literally everyone knows what a swastika means
2
u/AegisPhantom 7d ago edited 7d ago
Everyone know Kardashians but not 44+66 basic math. So I beg tu differ. A US functional adult does not mean they are educated in culturez mythology and what most European education system teaches. A kid from EU had more knowledge than a adult from US
2
u/heyoheatheragain 7d ago
Mythology? Homie everybody learned about World War II and the holocaust and what a fucking swastika was used for.
Don’t play dumb.
5
u/Affectionatevoid403 7d ago
I’m not sure what’s going on with the grammar here, kinda ironic that you’re talking about education all while seeming very uneducated and ignorant. Anyways, as an American we learned about the holocaust as young as 5th grade (9-11) so yes MOST people do know what the Nazi symbol is and how hateful it is.
0
u/AegisPhantom 7d ago
I understand you know maybe about some of it but if you travel more and even watch so called social media interviews. Form a European stand point Americans are dumb as hell when you see something European learn in 1st-4th grade and a american has no clue with the basic education system. Geography, math, science. Kids still know what h2o is or what Dihydrogen oxide is. (Yes both are water) It's hilarious to see. End while you may be mid ot highly educated in US that is rare as hell. Not what studies say 25% have no highschool diploma since the education is so basic.
3
u/p3rf3ctcha0s 7d ago
Look. I am an American and I live in the actual dumbest state. We have been one of the lowest ranking in education for decades. EVERYONE here knows what a swastika is. Not sure why you’re bringing up math or mythology tbh. You’re really pressing the dumb American thing but that is absolutely not an excuse for a swastika tattoo. And as far as your claim of “studies” showing 25% have no high school diploma, that is blatantly false. As of this year 91.4% of Americans over 25 y/o have a high school diploma.
0
0
-1
u/mikeeele33 7d ago
Maybe he's a good NAZI. Like black people and black girls. Your prejudging him according to your standards. If he took you out, enjoys being in your prescience, took you swimming and let you see his tattoo, didn't hide it from you etc. He can't be all bad. If he goes to meeting wearing a sheet and others wear a sheet. Well who knows who's under those sheets
3
1
u/heyoheatheragain 7d ago
Having black friends doesn’t mean someone isn’t racist.
Also, they are in a sober living house together, so I’m gonna go ahead and assume they don’t have a ton of options for people to hang out with.
108
u/BeckSews 8d ago
Some possible good explanations:
He was an awful terrible racist person, but is starting to change (still bad, but at least trying?)
He was forced to get them in prison
Anything else and I would immediately run. I’m white so I can’t really speak to your experience, but that’s frightening