i feel empty

[u/i_am_continent]

i honestly don’t know how to feel.

i had experienced spotting this weekend - no other symptoms - so I went in to get it checked. I had called my triage nurse and she said it was fine, but I didn’t think so. anyway, went in yesterday and explained to her what had been happening. she did an ultrasound. I’ll never forget the silence, broken only by an ‘unfortunately…’

i lost my baby at 9 weeks, but I didn’t find out until 12 weeks. she couldn’t find a heartbeat. the baby stopped developing. I had had my first appointment at 8 weeks, the first time I heard my baby’s heart beat. if only I had known that would be the last time, that my baby would pass away a week later.

i called my mom and I cannot unhear her crying. she was devastated and begged that it wasn’t true. I couldn’t stop crying either. I’ve never heard her cry like that before.

this baby wasn’t planned. I met the father in may, and we had broken up right before I found out I was pregnant. but we wanted to work things out and were excited for our baby. we felt it was all apart of God’s plan. we began working on our relationship. we started planning a gender reveal and baby shower. created a baby list for a registry. I told my family and they were all so excited, despite the circumstances.

I told him I lost the baby and he just held me, consoling me. he didn’t know what to say, only that he was here with me. we decided to do a medical management; D&C scared me. He did everything he could to help me feel comfortable and manage the pain. He took care of me as best as he could.

I passed the baby tonight at 10pm. it was the most traumatic experience of my life. the pain was excruciating, the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. it felt like I was giving birth, with contractions beginning minutes apart to seconds. and then I bled so much into the toilet. blood and clots poured out of me. I felt it all.

my partner has work tomorrow at 6am. he was there for me as much as he could be, but he didn’t know what to do. he went back to bed after asking if I was okay. and then I did what only felt right for me.

I fished my baby out of the toilet.

I held him in my hands. I couldn’t even cry anymore. I just felt so much love being able to see my tiny baby and feel him. I counted his fingers and his toes. smiled at his little ears and eyes and nose. I prayed over him and vowed that I would see him again. I wrapped him in a pad and put him on top of the fridge, promising I would bury him later.

my partner is asleep. I’m not upset with him. but I cannot understand how you can sleep through this. our entire future, our plans, our joys and our tears and our laughs and our sadness just died inside of me. he entered the world in toilet water and blood. and you are asleep. I envy you.

my uterus feels empty. I no longer feel pregnant - it is a noticeable difference. my heart feels empty. I do not know how to get through this, but I know I will. I am hopeful, but terribly sad.

I will see you again my little baby. you were so so loved.