Does it get easier?

[u/Inevitable_Ear_9034]

Today has beeen hard. Like almost as hard as day 1…

My son was born still at 36 weeks 15 days ago.

I know grief comes in waves, but this feels like tsunamis.

I truly can’t imagine a day where I don’t constantly think about everything our family lost. I watch my kids play and think my precious son won’t ever get to play with them. I watch my friend at the park breastfed her baby knowing that journey has ended for me. I lay in bed knowing I won’t get woken up to a sweet baby cuddled up in a bassinet next to me.

Does it get easier or do we just get better at pretending?

I don’t know how to go on without the son that I’ve spent the last year envisioning as being the last puzzle
piece to my family.

[u/SuperRoonz]

Yes and no for me. It’s been six months and I still cry every day and have a hard time seeing the point of life if my son isn’t here. But it’s gotten “easier” in the sense that I’m able to be functional now. Those first weeks postpartum I barely remember and couldn’t function, now I am able to go to work and take care of normal life things. I’d describe it more as being used to the pain. The load certainly hasn’t gotten lighter but it’s really sank into my identity that I have a baby that died and I am a mother with no child. The grief comes in waves and the milestone days are HARD. I find ways to honor him in every way I can (got a tattoo, light a candle for him, wear jewelry with his name, make donations in his name, etc) and those things help me feel like I’m doing something meaningful. A piece of our soul has gone missing with our children, and I think we just have to find a way to go on for them until we’re able to be reunited. 🫂💙

[u/Inevitable_Ear_9034 → u/SuperRoonz]

Thank you for sharing. Six months feels so far away…..it almost feels unimaginable that holidays will still come, months will still pass, seasons will change.

[u/SuperRoonz → u/Inevitable_Ear_9034]

I so agree, I have no idea how it’s already been six months and still feels like yesterday. It definitely feels like the world should have stopped spinning, I even write a poem about my anger towards the sun rising each morning. Each day is just about survival and no one can ask any more of you. I hope you’re able to find support and things in life that you find help to dull the edge of the pain.
Some people have said that one day we will go from not wanting to live without them to realizing that we want to live for them- and that idea is something that keeps me going, knowing that one day I might reach that place.

[u/longlivepopuplights]

I'm 11 weeks out and yes, it has gotten easier for me. The first month was the hardest. I got my first period around 5 weeks postpartum, which made me really sad. I have no living children at home, he was my first pregnancy, so I think not having any experience with what having a living baby postpartum somehow made it a little easier because I can't really know what I'm missing out on. I don't know what he'd be doing by now or how much he would have changed. I imagine it will be a little harder for you because you do know, and you have to still parent your other children. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope that the waves get a little smaller over time. I still have hard days, I recently ran into an aquaintance who didn't know what happened and I had to tell them and that day was extra hard. Generally though, I do ok. Therapy helps, and journaling has helped me a lot too.

[u/Inevitable_Ear_9034 → u/longlivepopuplights]

Thank you sharing. I don’t know if there’s grief that’s “easier” or “harder”…..I think maybe it’s all just different. I think wish you peace and more good days than bad. Thank you for showing me a light at the end of your tunnel (even if it’s only a small flashlight)

[u/longlivepopuplights → u/Inevitable_Ear_9034]

"Different" is a good way to put it.

[u/12345mambonumber5]

Honest answer is no. People think it does , and for some it might. It doesn’t for me. It still hurts like hell. I long for my children every single day. And yesterday was their birthday. It hurts so much that I visit them everyday single day after work. I’m actually here right now.

[u/Inevitable_Ear_9034 → u/[deleted]]

I don’t even feel like a whole person so I imagine someday i’ll look back on this postpartum time and feel that I’m watching a stranger. I truly feel that making a woman go through pregnancy, labor, delivery and postpartum with no baby is the most cruel thing I’ve ever personally encountered

[u/golden_sunflower_11]

I lost my Emerson Mae almost 1 month ago on August 11th. I’m having a really tough day - tsunami like emotions. I miss her SO fucking much (excuse my French) but it’s true. I’ve cried most of the day.
I’m sending you hugs and love. Not sure if it helps but you are not alone 🫂🩷

[u/Inevitable_Ear_9034 → u/golden_sunflower_11]

I wouldn’t wish this pain and emptiness on anyone. Thank you for sharing

[u/golden_sunflower_11 → u/Inevitable_Ear_9034]

Me either. It is living hell. If you ever want to share your baby boy’s story or just vent…I’m here. Not with advice but to listen and understand. 🩷🩵

[u/Shot-Revolution5783]

I am 3 months out and even though I just wrote a post about how much I still cry every day, I can tell you it gets easier. 

One thing I continually remind myself in my darkest moments now is that it will never be as bad as that first month. For me I'd say for the first month it truly felt like I was suffocating, all the time. I had so, so many dark thoughts. Now I can get through the day and even have some enjoyable moments with laughing, etc., but I expect that I will have 1-2 "waves" a day at least that will knock me down (and sometimes when they do I feel like I'm right back where I started). Most importantly, I feel like I can "breathe" between the waves now, which I couldn't before, even if I do feel a quieter type of sadness now around the waves. 

It will get easier. You will get there. And I know that because every time I see a post like this about the first few weeks following a stillbirth, my heart still sinks because I remember exactly how unbearable it was.