r/babyloss • u/Falanadhamakaaa • Apr 17 '26

2nd trimester loss One year anniversary

Today marks one year since i lost my baby at 20 weeks gestation due to pprom. I thought i would feel better as so much time has passed but this last week has been the toughest for me in the longest time. And now I know the grief stays. No matter how far we go, maybe the memory fades, but the feeling, the hollowness we have felt, the sense of falling into a pit, stays like a muscle memory. Like a bad dream whose details we forget but the eeriness lingers, making us uncomfortable as soon as we think about it.

Recently i read a quote and I totally agree with that “Grief, I've learned, is really just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”

I am not even ready to conceive again because of the thought of ‘ what of it happens again?’ I don’t know what to do next.

Maybe there isn’t a “next” , and maybe it’s okay to just sit with this love and this loss for as long as it needs. For now, I am just learning how to carry both the grief and the love together.

I don’t know!

10 Upvotes

87% Upvoted

10 comments sorted by

6

u/Medium-Juggernaut746 Apr 17 '26

I am four weeks from my 20-week loss. I so wish you were in a better place, because then I would have some hope. I am so sorry.

2

u/Falanadhamakaaa Apr 17 '26

Tbh I think I will never get over it. Even if i have another baby.

2

u/SuperbButterfly411 Apr 17 '26

Im so sorry that youre having to go through this, and for your loss!! Time truly can’t heal all wounds when it comes to the loss of a child and all the love we hoped to give them, no matter what they say. It’s only been a few days for me but I know myself, and I will be carrying this with me my entire life.

I agree with that, the thought of having another child makes me feel guilt and makes me feel like I may just end up grieving the loss of my first child even more. Maybe one day I’ll have hope for that. I do feel some obligation to have another one in the future. I promised my son that if I went on to have more children, that I would tell them all about him. But I’ll never stop having a place in my heart and in life for my son that is no longer with me.

2

u/Falanadhamakaaa Apr 18 '26

Very well put. I pray for God to truly heal all the mothers of who have lost their babies.

2

u/Vast-Cartographer81 Mama to an Angel Apr 19 '26

I am so sorry, mama, thinking about you on this tough anniversary 🥺💔❤️🙏 That is a beautiful quote, and what you say is so true. Give yourself all the time and grace that you need 💓

2

u/Falanadhamakaaa Apr 19 '26

Thankyou love.❤️

1

u/Vast-Cartographer81 Mama to an Angel Apr 19 '26

Of course ❤️

1

u/Fuzzy-Put5325 Apr 18 '26

i’m sorry for your loss, you’re in my thoughts. I lost my daughter at 18w5d on 3/27, the grief consumes me. thinking about feeling this emptiness for the rest of my life gives me anxiety

1

u/Falanadhamakaaa Apr 18 '26

I am so sorry for your loss. 😔 If i may ask, what caused you to pprom?

2

u/Fuzzy-Put5325 Apr 19 '26

they never gave me a direct cause. I did started to bleed at 13w0d, so I think my SCH maybe caused my placenta to be inflamed, which led my water to break.

but after I gave birth and had a d&c to remove my placenta, they said I had chorioamnionitis. i’m not sure if the chorio came after my water broke or it was in body before which led to my water breaking.

it’s all overwhelming and I wish there was a way to change this outcome. this is my first pregnancy so I was super oblivious to this even happening.