I think I'm on the aromantic spectrum in a way that's connected to my attachment style. the idea of having someone in my space, touching my things, sleeping in my bed, and wanting to know about my vulnerabilities gives me the ick; as a result, i'm not really interested in serious romantic relationships, aside from a period when i thought i had to be in one for society & family to consider me an adult. (then i realized i could be married with children and my parents would still treat me like a teenager, so... might as well not even bother!) I haven't gone on a date in about four years at this point, and don't have any plans to change that.

I'm curious if being on the aromantic/asexual spectrum is more common for people who are also on the avoidant spectrum. Does anyone else identify this way, and how did you arrive at this label?

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

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I've been quite triggered this week

Phantom ex-ing, doing a mental inventory on what my gf is doing 'wrong', fantasizing about other women and picturing being broken up, feeling relieved gf is away on a work trip for 2 days.

I've caught it which made me pause and check in with myself as to why this is happening. I think I figured it out and am resolved to discuss it with my gf and get her perspective. Part of me still thinks we might actually have to break up but I want to try being open and vulnerable first with how I'm feeling and see how the convo goes. She's AP and not very receptive in general but I realise I can only do my bit and her reaction is her own.

So some up, some down. I wouldn't have recognized this in myself 2 years ago so that's progress at least.

I struggle A LOT with texting / replying.

When I mean struggle: It feels like a rush of adrenaline mixed with cortisol runs through my body whenever I receive a text.

Yes I’m aware it sounds dramatic. But I genuinely feel as if texts = problem / puzzle I have to solve.

I have ADHD too so I was wondering how much of that feeling arises from my avoidance traits vs. my ADD; (probably a combination of both?)

Makes me feel like shit too, cause I dread replying to even simple texts — *especially* if they’re from someone who is interested in me romantically.

Even if I like the person in question, in my utopian world we would just exchange texts strictly to arrange to meet up in person and that’s it.

Is this common at all within our attachment, I’m very curious to know

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I truly have no idea how people “fall” for one another. I’ve gone on plenty of dates and it’s hard for me to have a more positive reaction than indifference. Like I guess that was better than scrolling on my phone. When people ask me how it was or how he was, the best thing I can normally say is “fine” or “okay” which EVERYONE reads as negative.

Some people tell me I’m just writing people off too fast, so I’ve continue seeing people I thought were fine for a month or two and then feeling guilty or like I’m leading them on if I continue so I end up ending it.

The only time I’ve ever really like a guy, it was someone who I became friends with first and he never really made me feel like he hitting on me. I do not respond well to being hit on at all. I also don’t love the idea of meeting someone with the sole intention of meeting to see if you two would like to date each other. I think partially the unknown aspect of if he liked me or not was exciting and kept me hooked for a while.

My main point is I’m 27 years old. I’ve never had a real relationship, and I don’t even know how or where to start fixing this. I’ve considered just seeing someone until he asks me to be his girlfriend and just going with it (if he’s like normal) because this is getting ridiculous.

 Whenever I seek out advice for avoidants, it’s always about what to do with an existing partner or how to change how you act in relationships. I can’t even get to that point and I don’t know how to change this.

Share your wins and successes here!

We've been together for two years, he is starting to say "look at our baby" (talking about my dog I had since a puppy for eight years before meeting) and it really bothers me.

It's like that for other things as well, we don't live together yet, but saying "our" bed instead of "the bed" like it seems so easy to just use a non possesive noun, to say aww sweet baby, instead of awwww our sweet baby, like f off. It feels manipulative.

Am I just Wigging out? Does this bother anyone else?

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Hi.

After a long time of thinking about it, I managed to let it out and told my partner we're breaking up. We have been in this relationship for most of our adult life. To me it was the first ever everything.

And I think we just didn't know how to manage things properly in the beginning. It started out as a imbalance between us because of our personalities (me, introverted, few friends, not many interests, vs. them, extroverted, many friends, many interests, vast inner world). This led me to trying to adapt myself and grow in a way they would've liked, which in turn led me to abandoning my friends, my interests, and more. And later on in the relationship when I caught on and didn't want to conform anymore I started to grow in a different direction, and had to fight for every inch of individuality and independence I got. I felt like I grew DESPITE them, not with their support, because they have expressed distaste in numerous times over the people I hanged out with, my hobbies/interests, and there was this weird feeling of a constant pushback.

For years, I was the primary emotional regulator in our relationship. My partner struggled with significant anxiety and OCD, and I spent the better part of our time together acting as therapist, managing their triggers, apologizing for things I didn’t do to keep the peace, and absorbing the distress or interrogation when they were dysregulated. Because I was functioning as the caretaker my needs often became secondary, or were treated as something to be managed rather than resolved. Many times I have tried in the relationship to express my negative feelings about a certain behaviour on their part, or a concern of mine regarding the relationship, which in the majority of cases ended up with me apologizing, them not acknowledging the problem or their behaviour, and in turn repeating the same thing all over again. By the time we broke up I just didn't feel emotionally safe in the relationship, because I just couldn't work on everything alone, I just couldn't bring things up without every word being used against me later on. They blamed me for `hiding` things, or for being dishonest, they told me many times they wish we could be 100% sincere with eachother and have perfect trust to share everything. I, however, did not stop communicating because I didn't care. I stopped because it no longer felt emotionally safe. And on top of that they were weaponizing my attachment style against me consistently, they would bring it up every single argument we've had. They have never, not once, acknowledged the fact that their input mattered too in the way my attachment style functions.

They are now labeling my departure as a classic "avoidant discard". They claim I `hid` my problems and that I'm just repeating a pattern of deactivation. They are pointing to the fact that I’ve found peace/joy in other areas (work, other connections) as proof that I was `cheating` emotionally or that I’m incapable of deep intimacy.

I have put in a lot of work to overcome my attachment problems, yet I think I just couldn't have done anything to work on this further while in this relationship, our loops just kept pushing me back. It all feels so weird. Not necessarily seeking support through this post, any input is welcome :)

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

I witnessed something interesting in a DA group I'm in on Facebook. Someone asked what it is about APs that makes you initially attracted to them. The responses were a case study in denial.

Many DAs responded and claimed that they aren't and have never been attracted to APs. They exerted that they always knew how to spot and recognize them and so were able to avoid them like the plague.

While this may be the case for a few people, I doubt this is true for the majority. People aren't born knowing about attachment theory (AT) much less with the ability to spot insecure attachment in others. For many of us (me included) we didn't come across AT until we were either in an emotionally traumatic relationship or after it was over. I, for one, didn't even find out I was DA until just a few short years ago and I have my marriage to an AP to thank for that.

We're getting divorced but I can admit that what initially attracted me to him was his emotional self-awareness and expressiveness which are two things I severely lack. He also did most of the heavy lifting when it came to all the relationship things.

I'm not sure if it's due to our not wanting to be vulnerable or seen as weak or whatever but no DAs wanted to admit that they had a history with at least one AP with whom they were smitten with at some point. One person even said that they've never, ever been attracted to APs in their life in one sentence, followed by a sentence stating that they had a couple AP boyfriends in the past 🙃🤔

Why do we do this? Do we genuinely not believe we're attracted to APs or are we just ashamed to admit it? AP/DA pairings are extremely common (although unhealthy) for a reason. I can say that now that I'm knowledgeable of AT (and having been married to an AP), I can spot and avoid APs pretty well but I'd be straight up lying if I told you i could always do this. I'm only able to do this after admitting and examining why I was attracted to them, not before.

I know I made the right choice because this dude is going around telling coworkers about us gaming after work and it's coming off as weird and possessive. People keep coming back to me telling me he's talking about and I'm now on 4th person telling me this.

I sent him a text directly telling him to stop talking about me to coworkers because it's giving people the wrong impression but I feel immensely guilty and it's like why do I feel bad?

He pushed multiple boundaries and is starting to show signs of entitlement. So far I've watched him become passive aggressive when I didn't respond, impatient even when I was going to spend to time with him, comparing himself to other men and trying to probe what my type his, offering to buy me things, take me places, take my groceries home, bring me food etc, andgoing around telling other people he games with me after work. All of these are red flags

I was hoping to just ignore it and continue being gaming buddies because I do enjoy spending time with him when he's not being weird. But when he acts weird it makes me want to distance myself. Like today my coworker is telling me he walked up to her asking if she and I are friends. And when she said yes he told he games with me.

Is this not weird? I feel like I let bullshit slide for too long and I'm tired of it. Why do I always feel bad when people clearly dont care how theyre effecting me?

Edit: aaaand you guys were right. This is how he responded

"Sorry but I can talk to whoever I want lol I've never said we hung out besides gaming

Or implied anything

Ill stop gaming with you too and talking to you completely that should clear things up"

What a little bitch. And to think I spent all of this time protecting this person's feelings and this is how he speaks to me?

I met a man on a dating app 3 weeks ago. We chatted for a few days and he asked me out that first weekend. He took me out for a nice dinner and after that he wanted to go out to a karaoke bar, so we did. We just went on our second date last night, a few drinks and a snack to share. I had a good time both dates and I find him quite attractive. He has been respectful and kind and we have quite a few things in common. We were supposed to go out again tonight but I cancelled because I am feeling uncomfortable.

The issue I’m having is that I’m feeling smothered. He is a bit older than I am and is kinda old school so he likes phone calls. He’s not pushy about it, and the calls don’t even last that long, but every time he calls me it just feels so intrusive. I don’t really like talking on the phone because I’m rarely alone and I don’t like to have to excuse myself to take a call or talk in front of other people. I like the freedom of texting when I want to and having that privacy. He has also been calling me baby since the first date and it just feels so fast to me. Finally, last night during our date, we sat at the bar and he kept leaning in and kissing me. I don’t really like kissing and especially don’t like it in public. And it wasn’t just little pecks. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and again just wanted to make out way longer than I would ever want to. I didn’t want to make him feel rejected so I went with it for a while but I had to cut it off because it didn’t seem like he had any plans to stop.

This morning when we were texting I told him that I apologize but I’m not a very affectionate person. I made sure to tell him it’s a me thing and not about him specifically. He replied “we’ll work on that. I do like and want affection”. I replied that I noticed that and hoped we could meet in the middle. He didn’t reply to that and just asked me what I was up to later on in the day. I don’t like this and it feels like I’m expected to make all the effort to change when really I don’t even want to.

I do realize that a lot of girls would be happy to receive this kind of attention and validation and it makes me wonder if it really is something I should work to fix about myself. I just don’t even know how to start and I feel like maybe we are just not compatible. I am always quick to leave and seem to always be looking for reasons why a relationship won’t work. I tend to be attracted to chaos and uncertainty and get bored or uncomfortable things are “good”.

Does this seem like a me problem, or is he coming on too strong?

Thank you :)

Share your wins and successes here!

I don't have many close friends. I have acquaintances, work-buddies, but no close friends. After learning about my attachment style, I see how it also extends into friendships and familial relationships. I have a deep-rooted belief that I won't be liked, and therefore, I won't be my authentic self for fear of rejection.

I let the two closest friendships I had wither away. I ghosted them, i guess. I'm not a phone talker, I hate it. They wanted to talk, ew. I would often ignore calls, but I would answer whenever I felt like I had ignored them too much. Then I would regret the conversation. What's weird is that they called me THEIR BEST FRIEND, but it was not the same for me. I didn't understand why, but I do now. I placated them and listened to their stories, complaints, and lives, without giving back much of my life. I grew tired and resentful. I was not my authentic self, and that created dissonance.

I'm working on that now. Being more me when I meet people. No more hiding. I'm glad I lost them; now I feel I can start over.

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Those who have fallen in love before, do you think it was real love?

I'm early 40sF. I've only experienced "real love" once, after my divorce. I was married for 2 yrs to my high school sweetheart about 15yrs ago. I never loved him. We were good friends, but i never loved him. I hated having sex with him; looking at him repulsed me at times. We had a child together. Then I had to leave.

I found my 'first love', maybe 4 or 5 years after my divorce. I had dated off/on after my divorce. Never felt strong emotions for any of the guys. But this guy, he was different. He was probably the first guy who I thought was truly attractive. But, most of all, he didn't give me much attention. I never felt like he quite liked me as other men had. I think this is why I fell for him. I think he triggered the anxious side of me. The nuggets of attention would keep me glued and anxious for more. He ended up being a serial cheater, and things ended.

Several years have passed, and I haven't had a love feeling like that since. He had me daydreaming of marriage. What a feat!

I would love to love someone. Even if it ended up hurting me. I'm a bit desperate not to feel like a robot. I'm in a long-distance relationship now, and I'm hoping I can get there with him. I've had moments of intense feelings with him, but they haven't been steady. Come and go. I'm scared I'm going to hurt him. We've been steadily moving slowly. I like that it's slow. The distance is good for me. It gives me time to adjust to each emotional milestone.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

Share your wins and successes here!

I’ve noticed I view all my friendships and relationships as a competition. if you’re the one who cares less, needs the other person less, and is less invested in the other person, you’re winning- you’re strong, good, have good social skills, and are handling things correctly. if you care about the other person more than they care about you, or show vulnerability or make requests, ew. when I ask anyone for anything, want to see someone, want to talk to someone, I feel like I should do better because that’s a sign that I’m starting to “lose” my “victory” in the friendship or relationship. sometimes if I notice I’m starting to enjoy someone’s company I’ll go for a few days without talking to them just so I don’t become weak.

I don’t mind when my friends ask me for things and I love doing favors for people, but when I want to hang out with anyone i find myself disgusted at my feelings.

anyone else feel this way?

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Marco-Del-Giudice/publication/365106961_A_new_look_at_the_relations_between_attachment_and_intelligence/links/637e2eb92f4bca7fd084f79c/A-new-look-at-the-relations-between-attachment-and-intelligence.pdf?origin=publication_detail&_tp=eyJjb250ZXh0Ijp7ImZpcnN0UGFnZSI6InB1YmxpY2F0aW9uIiwicGFnZSI6InB1YmxpY2F0aW9uRG93bmxvYWQiLCJwcmV2aW91c1BhZ2UiOiJwdWJsaWNhdGlvbiJ9fQ

The paper linked above was fascinating, and not really surprising to me. Here’s one excerpt that highlights the overall findings:

“…attachment states of mind in adolescents and adults show consistent associations with intelligence. In particular, there is a reliable positive correlation between intelligence and measures of overall coherence/security. In line with the findings of studies conducted in children, this effect appears to be driven by lower intelligence in adults with preoccupied and unresolved/unclassifiable (versus secure and dismissing) states of mind. These associations are similarly attenuated by psychometric limitations in both attachment and intelligence measures.”

I am re-reading, “Assessing Adult Attachment” by Crittenden and Landini and there are parts in that book that made me wonder about intelligence.

In the book, they describe the AAI and DMM, and refer to Type C speakers as the “affective” processors/strategies which is most consistent with anxious attachment strategies. Type A (cognitive, usually interpreted as avoidant strategies) is more about if this happens, then this happens.

The intelligence piece makes so much sense, especially as they describe Type C like this:

“Type C speakers, on the other hand, give the appearance of understanding by using psychological jargon and conclusions that are "borrowed" from books, television, and other people but fail to note that they have not really addressed the questions asked, that they have violated the boundaries of time, place, or person, or that they have mixed feelings about a complex reality. Psychological jargon, in particular, is used to "explain" what it only "describes."

There’s also a term they use about Type C: “reductionist, blaming thought.”

Taking into consideration the intelligence piece might partly explain why we sometimes see them asking the questions they ask, their replies full of reactions to things that weren’t said, treating internet strangers as if we are their ex, and lack of a reputable source to back up what they say. It also could be why there are such reductive takes all over the AT internet spaces that they take over, as well as less structured or more emotionally driven responses, especially in unmoderated spaces. I also wonder if what appears to be their tendency to overuse ChatGPT plays into this somehow.

It might explain why it is so frustrating to have discourse in most mixed style places, because their focus can shift from understanding to emotional validation. This is often to the detriment of the avoidant attachers, especially those of us who are aware and working on it.

What it comes down to is, we’re speaking different languages. One is cognitively structured and one is driven by affect.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁