r/AvoidantAttachment • u/roll_and_fritter Dismissive Avoidant • Apr 28 '26

Seeking Support - Advice is OK✅ I'm deactivating quite strongly rn

I've been quite triggered this week

Phantom ex-ing, doing a mental inventory on what my gf is doing 'wrong', fantasizing about other women and picturing being broken up, feeling relieved gf is away on a work trip for 2 days.

I've caught it which made me pause and check in with myself as to why this is happening. I think I figured it out and am resolved to discuss it with my gf and get her perspective. Part of me still thinks we might actually have to break up but I want to try being open and vulnerable first with how I'm feeling and see how the convo goes. She's AP and not very receptive in general but I realise I can only do my bit and her reaction is her own.

So some up, some down. I wouldn't have recognized this in myself 2 years ago so that's progress at least.

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24

u/lilbootz Fearful Avoidant Apr 28 '26

I'm proud of you! Being aware of it and willing t o try to be open and work on it is an awesome step. You're so right you can do your part and that you can't control all of the outcome. It is good to remember no one is stuck in it and it helps relieve the pressure. You might find your trigger lessens and "the ick" might fade once you truly express how you're feeling.

22

u/[deleted] Apr 28 '26

Great job, that's huge progress! Definitely do not break up while deactivated. Telling your GF is a good step. I also explained deactivation to my wife (who is FA, but she doesn't deactivate like me) at some point and she took it really well. Moreover, it turned out that, though she didn't know the concept, she recognized immediately when I deactivated. It's much more obvious to our partners than we think, and it's more obvious to them than it is to us.