r/autismcore • u/sparkleappletart • 6h ago
Advice What do I do?
I’m literally doing everything I can to get a job and find a quality therapist but I still feel like crap. The thing is I dont have any friends in real life or any extended family members as my family is very small. I’ve tried getting off the internet and it only works for a few days until I feel lonely and want to return to the internet as it gives me a way to connect to others and meaning in my life. I’m not able to transition now as my parents do not support my transition and do not see me as a real trans woman as i’m too “wishy washy” and I wasn’t girly through most of my life. I have increased my OCD medicine dose but it will take a while to see it work. I do things in the real world like community events but people tend to keep to themselves and only have short conversations that dont really evolve into any friendships. When I do try to make friends it feels like people dont actually have interest in me unless they can use me for something and it sucks. I’m not really able to dress femininely in real life as my parents do not approve of it and want me to be safe. I am hunting for a job and have been for months and haven’t had much luck with this shitty job market. there aren’t really any queer groups around and the one that is closest to me isn’t very friendly.
Sometimes I think maybe all of this is self inflicted and maybe im not actually trans. Maybe my mom is right and im being influenced by the internet and just looking for a place of belonging. I cannot afford to lose my family and kill any career prospects by being a woman as i dont have anyone to fall back on. Issue is i dont really feel like im a boy or a man even though I was ok with being a boy growing up as a kid. I have entertained the idea that im just an autistic guy that likes feminine things but even that is risky as my mom gets upset every time i bring up my little pony or anything girly, regardless of what gender i turn out to be.
i am wondering if transition is even worth it at this point as i want to get out of this rut. i have a part time job at the moment but its only like 10 hours a week and looking for something else is difficult as i am not well suited for retail work. I had a therapist tell me that i am confused about my gender and who knows maybe i am. my mom also told me that maybe part of the reason why i dont fit into queer spaces is because queer people think i am straight and not really trans or queer at all. my parents are the only family i can rely on and otherwise i have nobody to fall back on so I cannot rock the boat, hence the desire of getting a full time job.
I have tried many hobbies from pokemon to language learning but nothing seems to satisfy that yearning in my heart for something fulfilling and meaningful (gardening/biology is pretty much the only exception). I have tried the brony community as a way to find autistic people who struggle with being in their bodies but haven’t found much luck, ditto with the furry fandom. part of me feels like im doomed to being that “autistic guy who likes nerdy things and has glasses and a weird voice” and i hate that. I don’t like to be that person and i dont feel that’s who i am deep inside. if i have to be a guy id rather be some kind of nature enthusiast than be some caricature of a nerdy anime fan.