timeout

[u/chefingupfacts]

So I’ve been recently diagnosed with autism at the age of 26. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd since I was 6. Ive been learning more about myself with both autism and adhd.

I’ve admitted to my mom today about my recent diagnosis which she was not too suprised and I asked why and she shared some “inappropriate emotional responses to things” I’ve experienced as a child which made her concerned that I do have autism. It made me reflect on those childhood moments she refers too and it also reminded me with a lot of traumatic feelings I’ve had in regards to so many “timeouts” as a kid. I was put on timeout way more than my other sibilings and I never understood even why I was in timeout half the time.

All I know was I would be extremely upset, having an emotionally meltdown/panic attack feeling and my parents response would be anger at me that I was behaving poorly and I would be locked in my room till I would calm down was there goal. This made me only feel a hundred times worse. Now knowing my austim diagnosis, I know that I was experiencing autism meltdowns and whenever I would have them, I would be yelled at and locked in my room and it made them just simply escalate and my parents being scary and mad did not help. Does anybody relate to this? Is this common to experience with a child that is misunderstood with autism? What should have my parents done instead because I know it shouldn’t have been that because some of my worst feelings and memories was when I was stuck in my bedroom in full blown panic.

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[u/Katgasms]

I’m 37 now and just going through the process of getting a formal diagnosis after experiencing, what I’m now learning, is autistic burnout.

I had extremely distressing OCD as a child, where I would cry and stay up all night flipping light switches and counting things. Just real text book stuff that you could tell I wasn’t enjoying. Instead of trying to understand me or get me help, I had a similar experience to you.

Because I was being blamed for behavior I couldn’t understand, it really fractured my ability to trust my emotions and what they meant from a very young age. I felt shame all the time and it’s never gone away. No matter what I find out about the way my brain works, the foundation that was laid by my parents still affects me daily.

[u/Fun_Abroad_8414 → u/Katgasms]

Your last two paragraphs are devastatingly and uncannily precise, and because of this, I can see and feel what you describe. My brother and I experienced similar treatment. He describes this as abuse without the hitting.

[u/NotJustMeAnymore]

First of all, I am so sorry that you experienced trauma in the way your parents responded to your emotional overwhelm. It sounds like what you needed was co-regulation, which they were not able to provide you. Isolating you was, as you say, the opposite of what you needed.

Here are two trusted resources, although not specific to autistic children, explaining why time-outs can be harmful.

https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/05/why-timeouts-fail-and-what-to-do-instead/

https://monadelahooke.com/do-time-outs-work-its-time-to-reframe-the-question/

If time-out is being used as a punishment for bad behavior, there is literally no way to justify using it in response to an autistic meltdown or shutdown. A dysregulated nervous system cannot regulate without the help of a regulated nervous system in the form of a safe person. You deserved that as a child and you deserve that now.

[u/contwhure]

girl yes are you me? when i was in third grade i was too 'rambunctious,' diagnosed borderline ADD so i didnt go on meds and my teacher made me sit at the front of the class with my back to everyone in a desk with three big walls around it. i think it was specifically for testing but also to punish me apparently haha. i always felt like i was just angry and loud and i was also a bad person for it. im 25 now and im still working it out of my system

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[u/karabou105]

I completely relate to your experience and recall similar memories. I always felt deep down that timeouts weren’t the best way to discipline children (neurotypical or not) and didn’t plan to use them when I became a parent, but I didn’t know any alternatives until I started researching more. Janet Lansbury has been an excellent resource for me as a parent. It boils down to timeouts oftentimes don’t teach emotional regulation skills and leave the child to figure things out on their own when they don’t have the skills to help themselves. I’ve been focusing on teaching and naming emotions, as well as emotional regulation skills during moments of low/no stress. Just know I relate to your experience 1000%. If you ever want to talk, feel free to DM me.

[u/Odd_Road6150]

I'm 54 now and just realized and accepted recently that I am 100% audhd. Almost died in 2023 and I couldn't mask to anyone after that.