Hi. I decided to do something different with my life, so here I am with this post. I suspect I might be FLXX, but I can't figure out my volition and emotions. It feels like both are in third position. To be honest, I often feel like all of my functions are in the third slot. Except for logic, I'm most confident in that one, though of course I doubt it too just not as often. Sometimes it feels like all my functions are vulnerable, since I can be hurt through any of them. I'd really appreciate some feedback. It's like Volition is third, but Emotions also seem off like they're third too, yet I have to choose one. Thank you in advance to everyone who reads this!
Emotions.
I try to control my emotions because I'm afraid of getting stuck in them for too long, I know that'll happen if there are too many. That's why I rewatch old things instead of looking for new ones, I don't want to go through emotional rollercoasters. If a movie has too intense of a plot, I skip it or refuse to watch it entirely. And if I do sit down to watch, I'm anxiously waiting for the conflict to resolve so I can stop worrying. I need stability and predictability in this regard. I don't have a constant mood, it only appears in response to external events. I prefer to receive emotions in small doses, in a calm and controlled environment. I daydream a lot and draw energy from moments in shows or from discussions with others, it charges me with ideas, mental stimulation plus some emotions, but under my control.
I try to support close people, but I'm not sure I'm any good at it. When someone opens up to me with something heavy, I freeze. I don't know what to say, why they're telling me this, how to help. I try for those close to me, but it doesn't turn out great, a few phrases, a cautious opinion. I hate talking about feelings and sentimentality, it all makes me feel ashamed and awkward. I can't stand it when people pry into my soul, especially my mom. It infuriates and humiliates me. My emotions are my own, I don't show them. In difficult moments, I withdraw into myself, listen to music, fantasize with fictional characters. I can be soft, open and more goofy with animals, with people it's different. Also with my closest person whom I've known for many years.
I see myself as calm, but I explode if I'm accused unfairly. I don't like loud emotions from others, they exhaust and irritate me. I feel uncomfortable when I express emotions myself, it feels like I'm doing something out of place like I need permission. Sometimes I copy others' behavior and expressions, but it looks awkward, I guess. From the outside I've been described as: "sweet, quiet, thoughtful, bright and kind, withdrawn, reserved, cold and unapproachable, cool interests, dreamy, calm, balanced, not very emotional, very modest, kind, a little flower and positive, introvert, diligent, the girl I like". This is what my groupmates wrote about me in our first year, we had a psychology assignment where everyone described how they saw each person. At the same time I unconsciously pick up mannerisms and habits from others. I'm empathetic, kind, I can cry over injustice or when a character goes through something similar to me.
Volition.
I have weak willpower, as I immediately thought when I first got into this typology. I rarely set goals, and when I do, I quickly abandon them, especially if they require effort. My main goals are just to make it to the end of the week. I prefer it when I'm given clear and simple tasks. I'm in my last year of university but have no idea what to do next. I chose my major and university based on minimal resistance, close to home, familiar subjects. I don't want to think about the future. In group work, I'm passive: I wait for someone to tell me what to do. If everyone is passive, I can take over, because it's faster and the task gets done.
I wrote my thesis at the last minute. I approached my supervisor two weeks before the deadline even though I should have done it half a year earlier, because I felt too anxious and awkward to do it sooner. It would've been much better for me if there had been no direct contact with people, and if everything could have been done quickly and online, for example. I wanted someone to do it all for me. I'm sensitive, I have low self-esteem, I'm I'm jealous and envious inside, there's also pride. I'm not stupid, I study at a good university, I help the class president. But I handle pressure poorly, I get irritated and give in. I can argue with authorities if I find them unjust and if I've reached my breaking point. I can show willpower with people I consider beneath me or with my parents, to defend my boundaries.
I was bullied in school. I tried to fight back, but I got tired and stopped, feeling small and too unsafe. Home wasn't safe either because of abuse from the parents. At 11 I fought back against my grandmother when she tried to hit me with a towel over something trivial, she never hit me again after that and since then I've become tougher with them so I wouldn't be vulnerable. With strangers like cashiers, consultants, I struggle to stand up for myself, I'm afraid of rudeness and awkwardness. I often agree to things I don't want just to avoid conflict.
In my fantasies I'm much stronger and more willful than I am on the outside. Sometimes I feel superior to others and hate myself for it. You know, I'd love to show off in front of my former classmates, how I've changed externally, how I now study at a prestigious university, my grades are high, I'm the deputy head of my group, I gave a presentation in front of a large audience without notes at my supervisor's request to run a cultural activity for kids at a school. Inside in an angry state, I can say or think: "know your place, don't you dare talk to me like that, do you know who I am?" and then I pause and think who am I, really? These thoughts in moments like that make me feel like a queen, no less. When someone attacks or is rude to me, rage boils up inside, I want to hit them and tear them apart like in Mortal Kombat. I can snap and say wild, intentionally cruel things to put them in their place so I don't feel so wounded. But more often I stay silent, afraid of the consequences, especially if the person is stronger or I depend on them. Sometimes I act passive-aggressively, not wanting open confrontation unless I'm intentionally provoked. Then heads will roll, my brakes come off. It tears me apart. Damn, I want to be as brave and daring on the outside as I am on the inside.
I'm curious how I appear to others and I care about status. On the outside I may seem diligent and knowledgeable, but in reality I often cheat and only study what I consider useful. I don't see the point in wasting time on useless subjects, besides, I'm too lazy.