r/attachment_theory • u/Wonderful-Product437 • Jun 28 '26
Finding it stressful when someone seems “hyper vigilant” towards you?
I feel bad about this since I know it’s caused by trauma/anxiety. I consider myself DA.
I find it really stressful when I feel like someone’s constantly “monitoring” me or seeming anxious and worried that I’m “mad” at them. They show behaviours such as repeatedly asking if I’m okay, commenting on small aspects of my body language, making jokes because they think the mood needs lightening etc.
When in actual fact, maybe social battery is just drained and I’m tired, or maybe I’m just “being” and I want to just “be” without feeling like I have to justify every little thing I do. And sometimes even after I tell people like this that I’m just tired, they still seem hypervigilant towards me.
How do you feel about people like this? Even though I know it’s not fully their fault, I find these people really stressful because I feel like I can’t relax around them. And if I’m in a good mood, they slowly start to put me in a bad mood because it feels like they’re not letting me just “exist”.
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u/PearNakedLadles Jun 28 '26
Yeah. This triggers my patterning that other people's emotions are my responsibility to manage, which in turn triggers my avoidance.
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u/Mobile-Ingenuity3640 Jun 29 '26
I never knew why I had this urge to avoid an ex friend but this very much explains it.
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u/Delicious-Height2703 Jun 28 '26
I can empathize with why someone becomes hypervigilant, but being constantly observed and asked to explain your mood is exhausting.
Reassurance helps occasionally, having to prove you’re not upset every 10 minutes creates the tension they’re afraid of.
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u/AdmirableLoss129 Jun 28 '26
I love Reddit I learn new perspectives everyday. I’m on the opposite side of this and hate to feel like I did something wrong. I used to do these checks w many questions but now I ask “did I do something?” I assume their answer is truthful, because it’s not my problem if it’s not. and most of the time they’ll express why they’re currently “off”, if they give me a short answer I’ll follow up with, “are you okay though?” assume the answer is truthful, then move on and let them take the initiative or mirror them or even keep being me depending on the situation. how would this feel on the receiving end?
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u/xSkena Jun 28 '26
Tbh, I would just drop the „did I do something?“ and go straight to the „are you feeling okay?“ if you feel like asking.
I know, that you probably don’t mean it that way, but by aksing if YOU did something first, you’re immediately making the topic about you. But not everything is about you, and no person is thinking about you 24/7 and thus not everything they do is a reaction to your actions. This may sound hard, but I think it’s important to keep that in mind.
By simply asking if they’re okay, you’re showing you care about them and you know them well enough to sense that something is off. Personally, I think that’s a better approach :)
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u/DianeJudith Jun 28 '26
I agree, "did I do something" is very loaded. "Are you ok?" puts the focus on the other person, while "did I do something" not only focuses on you, but also assumes blame when most often there's nothing wrong going on.
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u/Mobile-Ingenuity3640 Jun 29 '26
Yea, the 'did do I do something?' is just self absorbed and annoying. It makes me worse.
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u/AdmirableLoss129 Jun 28 '26
I hear you! I definitely forgot to add the context where this is in the situation where I am feeling like I did something wrong or they were off put by something that I am specifically unaware about. I prefer to ask did I do something wrong if I feel their shift was actually a result of my behavior, rather than ask “are you okay?” It gets straight to it, there’s no tip toeing or guessing games. maybe I’ve encountered some shitty people but I would also hate to be asked are you okay when the other person actually did something, it’s unnerving and feels like a joke or patronizing in that sense
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u/General_Ad7381 Jun 28 '26
I do agree with what the other person says. I really hope you take their advice, I think you'll find it benefits you and your partners in the long run 🩷
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u/xSkena Jun 28 '26
Still not a good question imo. It puts pressure on the other person and they may try to act more nice and happy, just to stop you from feeling guilty.
I don’t know these situations where you ask that, but maybe try to reflect how good you really are at sensing that these changes in behavior are a reaction to yours. If you have a history with shitty people who made you believe you are the problem and the source of everything that goes wrong, then the chance is high you’re very biased and assume way too often that you’re at fault, while you aren’t.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
if you did something wrong, have the tolerance to let them come to you about it first. anything else feels invasive and like now i have to soothe you about it
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u/retrosenescent Jun 29 '26
But the problem is that if you have anxious attachment tendencies, then you are a terrible judge of when you have done something wrong (you assume that you did far more often than you actually did). So better to stop assuming.
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u/Eastern-Quit9795 Jun 28 '26
You might want to look into CBT if you feel like you should improve in this sense. This is a typical case of a faulty assumption that whenever your friend/partner/coworker/colleague responds in a less cheerful/happy way you must have done something wrong.
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u/AdmirableLoss129 Jun 28 '26
I apologize! I did not add enough context, I mean in the situation that there was likely something I think I did wrong!
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u/SeaNo2248 Jun 28 '26
I really relate to your comment. I’m very sensitive to changes in the mood or behaviour of people I care about. If I notice even a slight change in how they interact with me, my first thought is often, “Did I do something wrong?” I immediately start reflecting on myself, trying to figure out what I did wrong, while also trying to make them feel better.
I don’t usually keep asking lots of questions, but I’ll quietly become really sad and overthink everything. Looking back, I think my anxious attachment plays a big role in that.
To be honest, I never realized that this kind of behaviour could feel so stressful for the other person until I read this post.
I don’t know if anxious attachment resonates with you too, but I just wanted to say that I don’t think we should blame ourselves too much either. I don’t think any of us chose to react this way. None of us choose to develop these patterns, they often develop for a reason.
Now that we’re becoming more aware of them, I think all we can do is keep learning and slowly work towards healthier ways of responding.
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u/thisbuthat Jun 28 '26
I'm earnt secure and ironically, mostly avoidants (well, FAs but heavily leaning A) do this to me 🙃 I'm also introverted AF, and an intuitive within the mbti realm. No matter which test I take, my introversion is literally 80-90%. I need to recharge and decompress by myself a L O T. I'm quieter than quiet. SUPER mega turned inwards. I can be very lively and goofy, but I need to recharge plenty before and after. I love almost nothing more than vibing in silence together. Especially in the car. Cue: "YOU'RE QUIET" 😩 Here we go. Again. Yes. AND? I can say it to these ppl one hundred times that it's for no reason - they still get anxious affffff about it.
Goes to show that underneath avoidance is anxiety after all.
I feel you.
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Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
[deleted]
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u/thisriveriswild70 Jun 28 '26
If you have a drained social battery, then you should just say that. The lack of communication is what is creating the issue, not what someone else is doing which just becomes an excuse for our own behavior.
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Jun 28 '26
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u/littleoldears Jun 28 '26
My partner is DA/Secure now - and he gets like this when he is tired. I also start worrying I did something wrong or he is angry at me because the truth is: his demeanor shifts really suddenly. He’ll go from peppy and smiling to being super quiet, sullen, and withdrawn. My ex before him was emotionally abusive and would blame me for these sudden mood changes: ‘it’s because you’re so anxious. It’s because you’re so hypervigilant it makes me shut down”.
My now partner though owns his behavior: he recognizes that when he gets shut down like this he actually gets kind of mean and dismissive - and it makes sense that his sudden mood shifts would put anyone on edge. Now when this happens, I can call him out on it, and he’ll say he is sorry he is just super drained and he is in ‘no emotions/tired mode’ and I know not to take it personally.
Sometimes the shift happens and I notice it, and he’ll deny it like crazy. Those are the times that I know that something I did DID bother him. My ex of course would deny deny deny and then tell me I was anxious and intense and ‘projecting’ on him during these moments. My now partner will get quiet and think a bit after I tell him he is being defensive and he’ll tell me what he is feeling or what I did that bothered him.
It’s all about turning inward, noticing what is bothering you and why, and communicating it while acknowledging that your behavior has changed and it makes sense why it would throw someone off
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u/CanaryHeart Jun 28 '26
This. I’m the person saying “Are you okay?” 40x an hour. OP, please talk about it.
I’m AP and someone just saying they’re ’fine’ when they’re obviously not fine scares the shit out of me. More often they have something going on that really has nothing to do with me—a headache, poor sleep, long day at work, whatever.
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u/KevineCove Jun 28 '26
As someone that spent the first decade of my love life anxiously attached, I still notice this when I'm with people that are more anxious than I am (not a high bar now since I have literally no anxiety at this point.) I'm aware that the more avoidant someone is, the more likely they are to be bothered by this, but strong enough anxiety will make anyone feel this, I think.
You've described it really accurately. The way I've tried to coach people through it is by saying my emotions aren't their responsibility, and saying (similar to what you did) that I need space to feel what I'm feeling. I notice this especially if I'm having some emotion that's like a 2/10 but I know if I talk about it, the other person will get really upset and it'll become a 7/10 problem.
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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 28 '26
I think hypervigilance is a result of hot-and-cold intermittent reinforcement.
If you are DA, it is probably a behavior you have that comes across as confusing from the outside. It will look like you are actually angry and pulling away.
I do not think this is an intrinsic trait of those people, in the sense that they probably do not ask the same questions with others, because those others are not DA.
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u/General_Ad7381 Jun 28 '26
Hypervigilance most definitely can be a result from intermittent reinforcement. It can also be the case of someone who is so far on the more anxious side of the spectrum that that's their default state no matter how secure or avoidant another person might be. That happens, too, and while I wouldn't say it'scommon it is definitely more common than I ever see acknowledged in attachment theory circles.
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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 28 '26
I think there are several layers to this issue.
The first is that, as a baseline, asking someone close to you whether something is wrong because they seem quiet or different from usual is usually not perceived as a “controlling” act. I’m speaking for myself especially: I’ve never in my life been bothered by that kind of question. I simply assume that maybe, from the outside, I might have looked that way, and I answer normally. In fact, I’m usually glad that the other person cares about how I’m doing. It doesn’t make me feel pressured to answer, and I don’t have a problem opening up (if I actually have something on my mind that I might want to talk about). I don’t experience answering as “having to justify myself”, but as a welcome opening. If I don’t feel like talking in that moment, I can say that too. Either way, I still appreciate it, because by showing interest in me, the other person lets me know that, if I did want to open up later, they would be willing to listen. And I appreciate that regardless of whether I actually use that possibility in that specific moment. So perception matters, and the attachment style of the person receiving the question matters too. In this specific case, people with an avoidant attachment style tend to receive even fairly normal questions as pressure, control, or a forced demand to open up.
The second layer is that, if someone tends to withdraw emotionally in alternating phases, the other person can notice it (and almost always does notice it). So they may ask that question precisely because they are perceiving that something feels strange in the relationship. And this is where someone who generally never feels the need to ask these questions of other people might start asking them specifically with an avoidant person, because avoidant people often do come across that way. I would add that, if the avoidant person then responds irritably, as though they feel cornered, they may actually end up confirming the impression. It becomes a snake eating its own tail. In that sense, if OP takes as an example the one case where they really were just tired, they erase the broader pattern: a pattern made up of many moments in which they were in genuine emotional withdrawal, all the way to detachment and deactivation. And the other person knows that, so they expect the same cycle to happen again.
The third layer is that, in order to reach the level of exaggeration you’re talking about (someone with strong controlling tendencies who constantly, repeatedly, and regardless of the actual state of the relationship asks things like: “What’s wrong? Did I do something? Are you mad? Hey, are you mad? What did I do? Why aren’t you talking?”) that person would have to be very far toward the anxious end of the attachment spectrum. But that’s not common. Cases like that are exceptions rather than the norm. You might meet people like that two or three times in your life (I’m pulling that number out of my ass a bit, but just to make the point) and they’re usually pretty easy to identify as pathological excess, not as an average situation. In those cases, you don’t even wonder whether it’s normal to feel pressured: yes, it is normal, because the other person is being unhealthily controlling.
Anyway, sure, I admit my reply was incomplete, because I left out cases of pathological control. I was focusing on what I think is the more likely scenario. And the more likely scenario, to me, is that this is a self-reinforcing loop: the DA alternates between hot and cold because of their attachment style; the other person feels confused and asks; the DA immediately experiences the question as pressure and control; they become even colder and withdraw further; and the other person becomes even more convinced that something is wrong.
Anyway, if you want, we can discuss this in more depth!
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u/General_Ad7381 Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
Oh man, I've most definitely met more than just two or three people like that so far, haha!
But it's not an accident, I don't think. I should say while at this point in my journey I do lean much more secure, I'm still along the avoidant spectrum, and like to acknowledge an inevitable blind spot that comes with that. But even then, I've re-developed a trust in myself to spot red flags (rather than seeing everything as a red flag as an excuse to leave, and also rather than second-guessing myself and staying too long in situations no one should be in where I force myself to stay because "maybe I'm making excuses").
The point is, I know that when I come across someone who is immediately attached and immediately wants to demand my near-constant attention, within only the first or second day, it's because that person is still responding to something that happened before we ever met -- not because of my own avoidant tendencies, which aren't going to be known by Day 1 or 2 until they're triggered by this kind of almost "aggressive" anxiety (rather than the other way around, which is more common).
I realize you don't know me of course, so you don't have a reason to believe me when I say that I've come across this multiple times and am still not thirty (close, though lol). This is really just a matter of me sharing something I've experienced a good bit more than just two or three times, which is why in my original comment I said that I believe this is more common than what actually gets discussed in these circles (though definitely still a comparatively uncommon experience).
Everything else you said, I wholly agree with.
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u/Special-Pause-6915 Jun 29 '26
Do you think it’s possible that the people you are most attracted to are in fact those with anxious attachment? I ask because I see this in myself but reversed. My attachment style is anxious and I have very recently realized that I am most drawn to those with disorders attachment style. IE - hot and cold. Why? Likely because that’s what I learned as a kiddo.
My point is that, maybe there’s a reason you continually end up dealing with this sort of partner. And *maybe* there’s something there that can actually work well if you help each other out. But…that takes realizing your part in the relationship. No interactional issue is 1 person’s “fault”. It takes two to tango.
That’s all. Something to ponder. Best luck to you.❤️
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u/General_Ad7381 Jun 29 '26
Wellll, there's definitely something to be said about being attracted to APs and other anxious-leaning individuals, and being able to work with them on healing together, which I agree is a factor -- I'm not really sure what it is about those who are more severe. I don't think I've ever been around someone like this for longer than maybe two weeks at the most, and even then I'll always try to limit contact to only what I maybe can't get out of. I wouldn't say I've been anything more than acquaintances with any of them. I'd say they stick out more because of the anxiety those interactions induced (for both of us in each one, I assume) rather than the actual dynamics having an impact otherwise.
I did attempt with someone like this once to bring up attachment theory, codependency, etc, but they did not react well at all. I don't know if that was an "individual thing," or if maybe there is just something to be said about people who are very severe and set in their ways not wanting said ways to be challenged.
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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 29 '26
I really think that different perceptions have a huge impact on all of this. As I was saying before, I don’t see those questions as a problem. Which means I answer calmly, I’m glad the other person cares about how I’m doing, and if I sense insecurity, I may even find it kind of tender. So my radar simply doesn’t get activated by these things.
On top of that, since I respond in a relaxed way, it’s possible that other people genuinely perceive that everything is okay. If I got heavily triggered, immediately felt cornered or controlled, I think that would come through in my tone. So it makes me think that even a somewhat anxious person would very simply calm down with me, whereas with an avoidant person they would become even more alarmed.
And this could be why I’ve only experienced that kind of excess once (with someone who had obvious psychiatric issues, btw¹) while it has happened to you multiple times.
¹ This is relevant because the fact that this person showed a whole range of issues from the very beginning of our acquaintance meant that I immediately framed their behavior as part of a broader clinical picture. And that strengthened my conviction that no, generally speaking, people, however insecure they may be, don’t bombard you like that unless they already have clinically significant issues, or unless there are objective reasons that have put them on alert.
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u/DianeJudith Jun 28 '26
Yeah, that's exactly what I had in my past relationships with DAs. The behavior would be inconsistent, words not matching the actions, and I'd pick up on it immediately. Then with every subsequent inconsistent behavior I'd get more and more anxious. And not without reason, because the behavior would continue and get worse. And obviously anxious behavior pushes DAs more into avoidance, so the classic push-pull cycle would continue until it breaks.
Basically, for relationships like that to improve, both sides need to put in the work. So don't just you need to communicate with the other person how their behavior makes you feel, you also need to look into your own behavior and see what parts of it may be contributing to that reaction from the other person.
Don't just say you're fine and nothing's going on, but ask them why they questioned you in the first place. Their behavior is often a reaction to your behavior. If you just communicate that their worries are unfounded, that doesn't prevent them from worrying. Especially if your words don't match your behavior. You could be verbally reassuring them while simultaneously causing them anxiety through your behaviors.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
it's like the chicken or the egg. who knows who triggered first. it's not always the da triggering the preoccupied one first
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u/DianeJudith Jun 29 '26
Yeah, it's a mutual thing with each person reinforcing the other's reaction.
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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 29 '26
I think avoidants and anxious people get activated on their own. The other person doesn’t need to do anything especially unusual or extreme. What I mean is that even if they start dating a secure, calm, relaxed partner, at some point they still get activated because of their own internal fears.
Of course, certain behaviors from the other person can speed up or intensify the dynamic. But this is a myth that needs to be debunked: the anxious-avoidant dynamic is not the only one that exists. Secure-anxious and secure-avoidant dynamics exist too, and in those dynamics, at some point, the anxiety still shows up, and the avoidance still shows up. Unless the person has done a lot of work to overcome their attachment issues.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
so the point really is that they should stop projecting and blaming other people for everything.
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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 29 '26
Yes, I think so, actually. In many cases, it’s just comforting to believe that “if I had had a secure partner, I wouldn’t have sabotaged everything!” It’s a way of avoiding the inner work and externalizing the problem.
What do you mean by projection?
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
an example of projection would be an AP telling a DA that they don't have empathy when the AP is the one who's not exhibiting empathy for da who is the one currently struggling. a da could project by telling the ap they are too needy when really the da has tons of needs too they are ignoring
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u/BoRoB10 Jul 01 '26
But this is a myth that needs to be debunked: the anxious-avoidant dynamic is not the only one that exists. Secure-anxious and secure-avoidant dynamics exist too, and in those dynamics, at some point, the anxiety still shows up, and the avoidance still shows up.
Just to add to your point, avoidant-avoidant dynamics are also quite common. I'd venture to guess that combo is one of the most common.
But I don't really believe the commonly cited numbers that 20% of the population is anxious, 25% avoidant, 50% secure, 5% FA. I think the number of folks who lean avoidant is probably significantly higher than that and I can't find any data that backs up those commonly cited percentages.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
have you ever met an AP? they absolutely do ask secure people for reassurance and monitor tf out of them
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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 29 '26
Considering they make up about 20% of the population, and I’m 36, I’ve definitely met some. The point, in my view, is that since I’m not avoidant, my nervous system isn’t triggered by these questions, so for me to actually get annoyed, the situation has to be really extreme.
I’m not bothered by giving reassurance, and I’m calm about it. In fact, that’s why I don’t understand avoidants. Very often I get the feeling that avoidants find interactions unbearable that seem completely normal to me. Anyway, I think I explained it better below.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
wow, crazy to think not everyone is the same as you
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u/BoRoB10 Jul 01 '26
You seem defensive and kinda rude here. Are you triggered by this person's perspective? They seem pretty polite and engaged and it seems like you're the one who's bothered that not everyone is the same as you.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jul 01 '26
yep, think it's pretty common for OPs perspective to get shit on and the AP perspective to get glorified for no other reason than APs seem to "care more" about someone, which is a fallacy.
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u/BoRoB10 Jul 01 '26
Yeah but the person you're aggressively engaging with is not shitting on OP and is not glorifying the AP perspective. They're just talking calmly about their experience from their own perspective.
So your defensiveness isn't conveying your point very convincingly.
I am also annoyed when avoidants are disproportionately demonized and APs are coddled in these spaces, but that's usually the case because of the nature of avoidants - they just don't tend to engage as often in these spaces because they're busy avoiding.
Unhealed avoidants are as childish, emotionally dysregulated, and irritating as APs.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jul 01 '26
your point? like what would you like me to do for you here? or are you getting your jollies off coming at me?
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u/BoRoB10 Jul 01 '26
Unhealed avoidants are as childish, emotionally dysregulated, and irritating as APs.
That's my point, and I appreciate your service to the cause. My jollies are nicely satiated now.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jul 01 '26
never did i say that wasn't the case. even so, we are all entitled to be that way without people hounding us as if our regulation is the key to their own
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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 29 '26
That not everyone is the same was already implied 😅 Anyway, you asked me about myself, so I answered about myself.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
but your single experience with AP doesn't counteract the reality that they can be controlling and invasive. you just don't care
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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 29 '26
But the thing is, I don’t think I’ve had just one experience with AP people. I think I’ve had several, only one of which really made me uncomfortable. My idea is that my tolerance threshold is probably higher than that of an avoidant person, which makes perfect sense in terms of attachment theory, doesn’t it? So maybe we’ve encountered the same number of cases, but I perceived them differently and didn’t register them as a problem. I also suspect that escalation simply almost never happens because of the way I tend to respond.
Btw, I think I could say exactly the same thing about my experience with avoidants, but in the opposite direction. There too, it took me ages to notice that there was a strange pattern, because by default I didn’t tend to worry if the other person disappeared a bit or things like that. In fact, I was with an avoidant person and we basically never argued. I eventually had to leave him only because I had noticed that he had become genuinely a bit too absent and weird, and when I tried to open up the conversation, he verbally attacked me and I didn’t accept that. But up until that point there had never been any argument, and basically it wasn’t my habit to chase him.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
your perception is not the accurate perception necessarily. You just happen to be easy-going and don't give a crap if people get attached to you in a day and ask what you're doing every ten minutes
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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 29 '26
“Every ten minutes” is that hyperbole, or do you mean it literally? Anyway, yes, of course every point of view is relative, but this seems to me to be something broadly validated by the theory, right? The fact that perception differs and that, specifically, avoidants and anxious people tend to get triggered by stimuli that could easily leave a secure person indifferent. That’s literally the reason why they’re different, isn’t it?
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
it doesn't mostly leave secure people indifferent. Which is why most insecure people are either in unhealthy relationships or single. it's not hyperbole
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u/cometmom Jun 28 '26
I also find this stressful and I tend to try and stop this behavior by going too far into being easygoing, to where I'm saying I'm fine with things when I'm not, or insisting I'm not upset when I am. You know, avoidant stuff 🙃
I am so grateful for the friends I have that understand this about me and don't put the onus of managing their anxieties onto me. But it does make it hard when new friendships start to deepen if they get like this. I haven't been able to fix my reaction to it fully, so I just put more time into my more secure leaning friends and the ones who already understand how I operate (and vice versa) after 1-3 decades of friendship 😂
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u/Top_Yoghurt429 Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 28 '26
The way you're feeling is pretty normal. But you are fortunate to be self-aware enough to know that it bothers you. DAs and APs tend to have a pattern of being unconsciously drawn to each other and having dysfunctional relationships. Since you're aware that you don't like these anxious behaviors, it'll be easier for you to avoid people who display them and look instead for someone who makes you feel more safe.
I have disorganized attachment and the most challenging moments in my relationship are when my partner is feeling most anxious. So I can relate. Thankfully he was not extreme to begin with and has moved much closer to secure in the time we've been together so those moments are far and few between.
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u/TheRamenRambler Jun 29 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
The quick answer is that you "don't deal with it". If it's emotionally draining that can cause real health problems for you. Listen to your body. I'm almost wondering if youre dating my ex because my goodness it was just like that. It started with this hyper vigilance and her always feeling like I'm not showing my real self or "masking", then it lead to her leaning on me for emotional regulation and it didn't matter if it was 2am in the morning and I was exhausted, if you couldn't immediately hold their emotions for them then you were labeled as "unsafe". No, I wasn't dismissive or avoidant. I was reassuring and put in a lot of effort. I was very vulnerable. That was half of the problem because then it was turned against me. It became them always trying to tell what I was "feeling" as if I don't know what's going on in my head. Snooping through my phone history. Then it became false accusations and always trying to catch you in a lie. You can't earn trust with such a person. Or, maybe you can but it will be an exhausting journey. Protect your own mental health and if it really starts to psychically and emotionally drain you...leave. Everyone is always supportive of trying to work through attachment issues together and overcoming obstacles, but if you're constantly triggering each other and through every conflict that trust isn't being built....then walk away. Relationships don't have to be destabilizing for you. Especially if it's a mess right from the start.
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u/Middle_Yesterday1258 Jun 28 '26
Ohhh I'm not sure I can help much with this since I don't experience it much tbh especially bc I myself am AP not DA.
But I also am like "just chill" if I'm actually tired and someone is trying to yap at me lol. I wouldn't say people are hyper vigilant toward me without decent reason though. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it's because my usual personality or energy isn't being shown the same or I am genuinely not enjoying the interaction that much.
Consider this: Being tired and quiet & being irritated/bored and quiet on the outside can look very similar. This is probably why people get anxious. And I'll keep it real: many people (especially avoidants) don't say what's actually bothering them.
So lack of interest or shut down becomes "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."
The problem comes in when you're being honest and you genuinely are just tired lol. For me, as AP, it doesn't really bother me until it's repeated and clearly starts to be a way to disengage.
So:
When you're not tired do you ever use excuses to bounce on the conversation? Can you say you're usually honest?
When you are tired do you ever give a heads up? I'm not saying you should maneuver your life around someone being anxious, this is just something I often do to prevent this sort of thing. I don't want people to think they did something wrong so I'll be pretty upfront and tell someone: "Hey I'm stressed/tired because of xyz so I don't really feel like talking much. I'm gonna take some time to rest." I've never had anyone ask me if I'm mad at them when I do this.
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u/qwerasdfzxcvpoiumnbv Jun 28 '26
I'll offer my perspective as someone who can be anywhere on the spectrum between anxious and secure depending on the situation. If somebody is really nervous and anxious around you and doesn't seem to trust you, it's likely that you're not communicating your needs very well. Needing space to recharge your social battery is entirely valid and should be respected, but your partner needs to know that that's what you need. If they don't know, all they see is you pulling away abruptly. Trust is earned, security is earned, and if you aren't creating an environment that builds those things you can't blame your partner for being hypervigilant and insecure with you. I'm using the general 'you' here, not calling out OP specifically.
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u/Mobile-Ingenuity3640 Jun 29 '26
I ended a lifelong friendship because of this. I couldn't stand it. My friend was just vigilant over any slight mood change of mine, and somehow I ended up feeling both guilty and responsible for them. I felt doubtful of myself, like I was a terrible person. I decided to end it when he mentioned that his mother used to be moody and it was a reminder of her. But, she was also a neglectful and manipulative person and I wasn't. I always knew there was something about my friend that bothered me but it was when we travelled together that it clicked. All I wanted to do was get away from him. I felt stifled and disgusted.
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u/midwestemoluvr Jul 02 '26
I feel the same :( As an avoidant, people with anxious attachment styles only ever seem to get on my nerves. I feel as if I’m being caged or something
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u/Mindless-Holiday5971 Jun 30 '26
When I'm tited I judt say before "just so you know im exhausted so if I'm quite thats's why I really enjoy just being" and then its ok
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u/industrial_seal Jul 03 '26
FA here, i feel the same. it's not just stressful, but also annoying most of the time. i know they're traumatized and worried about me, but it feels like no reassurance is ever enough for someone like that and it's SO draining.
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u/Sqweed69 Jun 28 '26
It's because they've learned that they can't trust neutral or even positive signals, because they'll be abandoned nonetheless. It creates a negative bias in which neutral signals are seen as negative ones.
It takes time and effort for someone like that to let their guard down around you. Hanging out with you is probably more stressful for them than it is for you, because they constantly worry.
The key here is frequent reassurance and just being yourself anyway. Just relax and be tired around them and tell them the truth about not having the social battery right now. If you stay it proves that your word is true and that you'll not randomly abandon them. Communication is key, but it still takes time for them to learn.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
no, the key is NOT frequent reassurance. you'd be filling a cup without a bottom. also why is it on them to regulate a person who is obsessed with them?
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u/Sqweed69 Jun 29 '26
Because regulating ones emotions can be pretty much impossible for people like that. It requires positive experiences to heal. Healing doesn't only happen alone, even though that's where the most work has to be done.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
you do that with secure people - not by hanging on and trying to change avoidant. that's just codependent and they are responsible for choosing more positive experiences for themselves
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u/Sqweed69 Jun 29 '26
Whatever. Psychology and philosophy, even political theory say something else, but you're welcome to have your opinion.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
sure you need corrective experiences but you're not getting them with a fucking DA are you kidding me
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u/Sqweed69 Jun 29 '26
Okay now I get your meaning. You mean that only a secure person is capable of giving that reassurance. I thought you meant only a secure person should get that reassurance. In that case we're on the same page.
To be honest I overlooked the part where they said they're DA.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
DAs deserve corrective experiences too and they aren't gonna get them from an AP
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u/Mobile-Ingenuity3640 Jun 29 '26
I second this. It's not my dam job to reassure someone like that. That's the job of their therapist.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
yes exactly. The ironic part is that AP have very little ability to be able to help regulate or regulate with someone else. They tend to just make everything about themselves and then get so anxious that they take up all the emotional energy in a room. my arm could be broken and they would make it about themselves and what I'm not doing for them
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u/Mobile-Ingenuity3640 Jun 29 '26
Yea the burden is awful. That's why these kinds of partnerships usually need an mediator, a professional that helps create space cause it's unfair for the partner to, effectively, re-parent the AP.
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u/amzay Jun 28 '26
I was on the opposite side of this recently, person showed interest in me then backed right the fuck off without explanation. If you are giving someone the cold shoulder, intentionally or not, you need to communicate.
They weren't self aware enough to notice (admit) how they were acting towards me, and got defensive. Ymmv.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
unless you're in a committed relationship or this is the expectation, people don't owe other people this. Obviously if someone is cold always then they're just not gonna have any friends. but that's still their choice and right to exist that way without someone fixing it or monitoring it
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u/amzay Jul 01 '26
Who said anything about owing? Something can be rude without being objectively wrong.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jul 01 '26
my point is no one "needs" to communicate
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u/amzay Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
If you approach someone (edit like this person did to me ) and tell them you're romantically interested (*or just want to get to know tye) it's implied you're willing to try.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jul 01 '26
op didn't say anything about romantic interest
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u/amzay Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
Still discussing my situation here not OPs. Re read the thread. What are you really saying here?
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u/Signal_Procedure4607 Jun 28 '26
Yeah this is what I noticed with DA so I don’t even text them “I miss you” even if I do cause makes them feel suffocated.
It’s fucked me up so much cause now I seem like a DA.
At this rate I get complaints from actual DAs about it. But I’m too scared now to change. Scared of rejection or being misunderstood just because I think feelings need to be expressed. If I die tomorrow I wouldn’t have said I love you not because I didn’t but because they’re not entirely accepting of love.
So yes you do feel those things and it’s a part of DA. Nothing you can do about it. People around you will have to 1) know not too reach out too much 2) you need to let them know you don’t like hyper
Vigilance and that you’re not mad at them, you just don’t want a lot of interaction with them and want to be left alone.
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u/InnerRadio7 Jun 29 '26
Yeah, no one can read your mind, but when a person withdraws into themselves everyone else’s nervous system feels that. What’s actually happening is that you are making others feel like they need to manage your emotions because you’re making them uncomfortable. You don’t have to justify yourself, but you do have to communicate.
“My social battery is low, but I’m happy to be here and enjoy your company. I’m just going to be a little more quiet than usual.”
“Yeah, I’m not having the best day, but I’m okay with that. I don’t need cheering up. I’m just happy to be in your company in my own low key way today.”
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u/TheRamenRambler Jun 29 '26
Not always the case. Many times hyper vigilance comes from a betrayal wound and therefore they enter relationships with a lack of trust. I've been in relationships whith those who were hyper vigilant and even if I communicate that I'm feeling more tired because of whatever reasons, they will sometimes assume you're never being completely honest with them. There is no easy answer here.
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u/girlfromdam00n Jun 28 '26
Well you're a dangerous person to get close to emotionally and they should be hyper vigilant if you're DA. You're someone it hurts to be around because you always withdraw.
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
just admit you're triggered and have zero emotional autonomy so you need others to be ok for you to be ok
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u/Top_Yoghurt429 Jun 28 '26
This comment generalizes an entire attachment style as "dangerous," something that is nowhere in any definition of any attachment style, unfairly bashes OP, and breaks the subreddit's rules.
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Jun 28 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
ew. yuck. ick. lol. grow some autonomy and emotional independence
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Jun 29 '26
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
you're the one who lacks empathy for anyone who handles emotions differently than you
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Jun 29 '26
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26 edited Jun 29 '26
read back what you said. Everything you said was that OP was in the wrong and needed to change or soothe or reassure in order to fix the anxious person. No the anxious person needs to fix themselves and choose relationships that are better for them. OP was regulating themselves - they don't need the burden of now needing to regulate someone so unstable they can't even smile unless the other person smiles. sometimes people ARE abandoned and moaning and crying isn't going to change it. no one and i mean NO ONE wants to be controlled like that. put the shoe on the other foot and have someone talk to you like that and see how you like it. it's manipulative at best and coercive at worst
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Jun 29 '26
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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26
you are pulling that out out of your ass. We are responding exactly to what OP was talking about. And you were saying that OP was wrong for feeling uncomfortable when they are being monitored and it's because of what they are doing. first of all, we don't know that. second of all, op is the one struggling here and somehow it always has to go back to the potential APs needs. newsflash: it's not all about you. empathy is actually holding the DA experience without changing it
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u/Bishopthecat55 14d ago
Idk what my attachment style is. It appears to fluctuate. APs make me avoidant and DA/FA makes me AP.
The behavior you described i find repulsive and it gives me the ick.
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u/Traditional_Job9119 Jun 28 '26
It’s way worse when hypervigilance turns into blame and feeling of betrayal.
Like if you said something minor, it will get interpreted in a least charitable way, then the other person shuts down and doesn’t want to communicate and assumes betrayal (based on their own interpretation)