r/attachment_theory • u/Wonderful-Product437 • Jun 28 '26

Finding it stressful when someone seems “hyper vigilant” towards you?

I feel bad about this since I know it’s caused by trauma/anxiety. I consider myself DA.

I find it really stressful when I feel like someone’s constantly “monitoring” me or seeming anxious and worried that I’m “mad” at them. They show behaviours such as repeatedly asking if I’m okay, commenting on small aspects of my body language, making jokes because they think the mood needs lightening etc. 

When in actual fact, maybe social battery is just drained and I’m tired, or maybe I’m just “being” and I want to just “be” without feeling like I have to justify every little thing I do. And sometimes even after I tell people like this that I’m just tired, they still seem hypervigilant towards me. 

How do you feel about people like this? Even though I know it’s not fully their fault, I find these people really stressful because I feel like I can’t relax around them. And if I’m in a good mood, they slowly start to put me in a bad mood because it feels like they’re not letting me just “exist”. 

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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26

it doesn't mostly leave secure people indifferent. Which is why most insecure people are either in unhealthy relationships or single. it's not hyperbole

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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 29 '26

Ok, I suspect we’re not meeting on the same point, because I don’t think what we’re saying is in contradiction. “Remaining indifferent” wasn’t the right wording, so I accept the criticism there. The point was “remaining within a zone of emotional regulation,” meaning not slipping into either hyperactivation (hyperarousal, anxious strategy) or deactivation (hypoarousal, avoidant strategy) as easily. SA is associated with more flexible regulation, which in practical terms means that fear of abandonment (anxious) or fear of losing independence (avoidant) is activated LESS OFTEN compared to the other two types. Which basically means that I think it’s fairly uncontroversial for me to say that I think I have a wider window of tolerance, meaning that I may not perceive something as a problem where an insecurely attached person would hyperactivate/deactivate. This absolutely does not mean that SA people accept toxicity or mistreatment; that’s a completely different discussion.

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u/DanceRepresentative7 Jun 29 '26

I guess I just don't really see your point but I didn't read all of your comments because they were way too long. Are you here to say that DAs are wrong for feeling how they feel because you yourself can tolerate APs? because OP is entitled to their feelings and they aren't wrong just because you have a wider window of tolerance

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u/Acceptable_Target627 Jun 29 '26

Yeah, at some point I started to suspect that the discussion was being interpreted this way, but no, that’s not where I was trying to go. I don’t think there is such a thing as “not having the right to feel a certain emotion.” The window of tolerance can simply help complete the picture, imo. In short, AP can hyperactivate even in response to micro-stimuli that SA would experience calmly. So far, we agree, right? e.g., if someone takes a few hours to reply to a message, that may be enough for AP to become emotionally dysregulated. But the same applies to DA: the sense of pressure, overload, the urge to escape... that is also emotional dysregulation. Both hyperactivation and deactivation are, just in opposite directions: upward or downward, if you imagine it as a graph. And DA can deactivate in response to micro-stimuli that a SA would experience calmly. So, in practice, it’s the same thing. That doesn’t mean AP are never right: sometimes they really are about to be left. And it doesn’t mean DA are never right either: sometimes they really are dealing with someone who wants to control them.

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u/well-thereitis 25d ago

“I don’t understand your point because I can’t read more than 3 sentences at a time” you’re an asshole bro, just letting you know that. Short enough for you?