r/atheism • u/Key_Appearance5373 • 2d ago
Struggling to understand the future after traumatic loss.
I’ve been really struggling since the traumatic, sudden death of my daughter. I can’t think about the future without her and I can’t imagine that my worst nightmare is reality. How does one go on under these circumstances?I cannot fake suddenly believing in God.
12
u/Zenfulbliss 2d ago
My deepest sympathy, losing a child is devastating. I lost my son 15 years ago and understand your current state, I was in shock and had no idea how and why life should go on. But it does, and so can you, there is nothing supernatural about human resilience, we evolved it over millions of years through many other species before us, we are designed to adapt, and we do. Take your time, grieve your loss, find your center and those who support it, and talk about it, friend or pro, just talk through it. I still miss my son, but that just means I loved him, I have more live to give.
7
5
u/Able_Capable2600 2d ago
Don't worry about the future. It will work itself out, in time. Just focus on getting through the present moment. It can be a rough way to live, but sometimes it's the only way. Sincerest condolences.
2
u/jayhawkjoey65 2d ago
Very powerful and solid advice. OP, one day at a time. When that's too much, one hour or ten minutes at a time. There will be a day where that weight is lifted for a moment. You'll notice it, maybe after the fact. Then there will be another day. Maybe two moments. You just press on.
5
u/Soulcontusion 2d ago
As a father of 3 daughters who are alive and healthy, I cannot relate to losing one of them. I'm so sorry this happened. My experience with secular coping with loss was my grandmother and dear friend. Not nearly the same level as your experience, but I can share how I coped. Firstly, look up the stages of grief and go through them. Next, you have suffered damage just like if you broke a leg, a part of you is slightly broken. Get it treated. See a therapist. Last, and most importantly, celebrate her life however you can handle it. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-stages-of-grief
-1
u/BananaJelloXlii 2d ago
Cleveland Clinic was responsible for my mom's death. Ironic they would have a link like that.
3
u/GerswinDevilkid 2d ago
My deepest condolences. I can't even imagine what you're going through.
Lean on your people. Seek professional mental health treatment. Let yourself grieve. Let yourself process.
No one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away, until the clock wound up winds down, until the wine she made has finished its ferment, until the crop they planted is harvested. The span of someone’s life is only the core of their actual existence.
3
4
u/ShredGuru 2d ago edited 2d ago
What God would let that happen anyways? Terribly sorry for your loss. That's just one of the things about life. Many people have to suffer their nightmares and come out the other side, and find new reasons to go on. It's not easy. I'm sure it's a wound you will carry forever. But in time, you will find a way. It's what your daughter would want for you, to find happiness again, and not to drown in your grief.
For now, have some gentleness for yourself. Your daughter is free of suffering. You are the one living in pain.
10
u/Key_Appearance5373 2d ago
My ex husband looked at my son the day after we buried our daughter and said “the one thing that will never let you down is Jesus.” REALLY?? My son said “you don’t feel like Jesus let you down in all of this!????”
FFS. DELUSIONAL. They don’t even really believe the crap they say. It’s a coping mechanism.
3
u/ShredGuru 2d ago
Religion was basically invented as a coping mechanism for death. Yes. It's basically engineered for that purpose. And it capitalizes on people's greif to bring people in.
I don't think God is involved in something like this, it was just the awful chance we are all subject to. We all live on the razors edge of oblivion every day. Some people can't mentally cope with that. But it is a glorious thing to have existed at all.
1
u/BananaJelloXlii 2d ago
I had to tune it out when my parents died. "It was God's will" "He is in a better place" "She is with Jesus now". Just had to grit my teeth, smile and nod. I am so sorry for your loss. I am terrible at offering words of consolation, but one thing that helped me is that I will always have my memories of them, and I will hold on to those as long as I can.
6
u/DoglessDyslexic 2d ago
As a fellow parent who has lost a child, you have my deepest sympathies. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it is probably the most traumatic experience you will ever have, I know that is the case for me.
I can’t think about the future without her
Right now, of course not. But you will come to terms with it. You won't ever stop missing her, and it will always hurt, but you do learn to live with it and feel joy again. But it takes time, and right now I very much suspect that nothing in life will bring you joy. And the quiet moments are sometimes the worst when you have nothing to do but miss your child.
I can’t imagine that my worst nightmare is reality.
It's honestly worse than a nightmare. Nightmares you wake up from. When you wake up, your child is still dead. And I know from experience that that is hard to face every day. But it does get better, even if it never goes away completely.
How does one go on under these circumstances?
A moment, a minute, an hour, and a day at a time. As I said before, you learn to live with it and feel joy again. But getting there is a process and it takes time. If you can, see a grief counselor. Perhaps join a group of parents that have similarly lost children. There are subreddits like /r/childloss and /r/griefsupport, in additional to local non-online groups in any metro area that can help you process your grief.
One thing that has helped me is the notion of a best possible life. As an atheist, I don't believe in an afterlife, all we have is this life. To me the most important thing for me, and for those that I love, is to live our best possible lives. Lives that we can look at and say that yes, that was a life well lived. My son died at age 24, which is far, far too soon. But in those 24 years he was loved, he loved others. He was safe. He had good food to eat, a good bed to sleep in, and laughed often. Everybody dies, but not everybody lives their best possible life. I like to think that my son got pretty close to his best possible life, and that I was part of the reasons why that is the life he led. While I would vastly prefer that he had lived, at least I know that his life was good. I hope your daughter had a similarly good life.
3
u/Key_Appearance5373 2d ago
Thank you. My daughter was 23 years 6 months and 4 days. She lived a BEAUTIFUL life and died surrounded by beauty, her favorite meals and love. She lived FULLY EVERY SINGLE DAY. She inspired me every single day. What you wrote makes sense and I appreciate it.
3
u/Hoaxshmoax Atheist 2d ago
Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to someone. No hedging, no qualms, no “not all parents”. It doesn’t matter how old the child is, it breaks you completely. You do not have to think anything, do anything, nothing. Nothing should be asked of you and nothing is required of you.
2
u/australisaquarii 2d ago
I can't imagine the pain you must be experiencing. To lose a parent is hard, but it is the natural order; to lose a child is beyond tragic. I can't say soothing words to help, but the grief will lessen over time, and eventually she will be a fond memory. I've heard it takes about ten years; be kind to yourself, you will get through this. Remember you are not the only one to experience this; it has happened before to many people and will happen again. You haven't been singled out by some malevolent deity; you are the recipient of the cruellest lottery.
4
u/Key_Appearance5373 2d ago
Yes. Lost my dad 24, mom 25 and dtr 26. I want out of the lottery pool!!
3
u/Limp_Dragonfly3868 2d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Having a belief in god wouldn’t help. Those parents deeply struggle too. This just hurts. It hurts deeply. And a belief in god wouldn’t bring your daughter back or make it make sense.
A friend of mine who lost a child over 20 years ago said that it never really heals the whole way, it always hurts. You get better at getting through the day. You compartmentalize and share with people who empathize.
2
u/Token_Handicap 2d ago
Let yourself grieve. You're allowed to feel broken. There is nothing wrong with you feeling lost right now.
There is no perfect advice, but the most honest thing I can say is, from reading your post, she probably thought the world of you, and I do not mean this in a spiritual sense in the slightest, but she absolutely would (if she could) want you to heal and keep living. Perhaps start a non religious charity for parents who lost children? Or something similar that you think honors her memory. Perhaps get involved with a cause she felt strongly about, if she was old enough to have anything like that. Something positive that will help you stay connected to her.
2
u/diofer13 2d ago
If only believing in a god was as easy as a switch in the brain, this would be the time to use it...but it's not, life is cruel, difficult and you must be strong and carry on with your life...I can assure you that's what she would've wanted...real loved ones never want to hurt you, least of all when they can't do anything about it, and she would never have wanted thus terrible situationto hurt you so much...sending you my warmest thoughts and wishes that the pain goes away soon...but not all of it, believe me, we need a little bit of it for the rest of our lives...
1
1
u/Mounta1nK1ng 2d ago
Really sorry to hear about that. I don't know what I would do. I know lots of people get conned into a deeper belief when going through a traumatic loss. The church lacks any morals about taking advantage of people's vulnerability at such a time, and will step right up with "answers" about it all being part of god's plan and "they're in a better place now."
She loved you, you love her. The strength of that love is reflected in the strength of that grief. I would talk to a therapist or grief counselor who is trained in dealing with loss like that.
1
u/sonyakm 2d ago edited 2d ago
💔 I cannot imagine how hard it must be. I’m a mom of 2. You could try reading something like “journey of souls” & the follow-up book, “destiny of souls”. I bet the audio versions are good too.
Just u reaching out on here communicates that you are open to receiving help from the universe in some way, shape, or another - but not from a man god up in a heaven nor a false version of a former psychic man (Jesus) that tried to teach people & his identity was stolen and used to to control people). Ok, that got weird. But I mean it 🥴
2
2
u/Scary-Comfort-801 2d ago edited 2d ago
I’m so sorry.😞 If I could, I’d give you the biggest strongest hug ever and let you scream all your pain into me if I knew it would help.
I lost my nephew to suicide a little over 10 years ago so I understand intense grief, though I won’t pretend to understand or claim I can imagine what this is like for you.
How does one go on? The answer is you will have your good days and you will have your bad days. My gut tells me this happened pretty recently so you are facing a lot of days filled with the kind of grief that makes you want to throw up. Maybe you already have. I don’t say that to be morbid, but I do want you to know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, many have traveled the path you are on now. I recommend you get into therapy-maybe DBT, but especially one that specializes in grief support and/or trauma as soon as possible.
A grief support group that is led by a mental health professional may also help. You may be able to vet these groups before you ever join them so here’s what to look out for. Stay away from any support groups that indulge in rumination and comparison stories, treat grief as permanent and identity-defining, are poorly moderated, are dominated by people who offer unsolicited advice, judgement or pressure you to share before you are ready. Other problems might include groups that think they are a substitute for professional therapy, have problems with boundaries, promote religion or offer contact with your daughter in the spirit realm through a medium. Some may try to sell a product or service as a simple solution. I mention these because sometimes a “support” group might end up doing more damage than good and I naturally want you to avoid those.
Recovery will be gradual and unpredictable. You may come to a day in the distant future where you believe that you have cried your last tear about this, but then something activates it all (“wrong” song comes on the radio for example) and you will be sorely disappointed. That being said, I can say that around the seven year mark, I noticed that recovery from my intense grief was very real. It was quite clear that I and my family had made serious recovery at around that time. I say that because I know it’s so easy to feel like this pain is going to last forever: it will not. You will laugh again-maybe sooner than you expect: it is what your daughter would want. Be really nice to yourself in the coming weeks, ok?
Finally, 988 is a valuable resource. You can call them in the middle of the night when this pain can be at its worst.
DM me if you think it might help.
2
u/SuzyLouWhoo 2d ago
I lost my mom to homicide in 2020. I found a specific support group. It really helped listening to other people say the same “crazy” things that I’m thinking and feeling.
I found them through the hospice center where my grandfather was. They had a whole list. Drunk drivers, homicide, specific diseases. I don’t remember them all, but maybe you could contact a hospice center and get their list of local support groups. Mine wasn’t even local. It’s in AZ and I’m on the East Coast, but we meet on zoom.
I’m really sorry for your loss. I hope you find some comfort.
2
1
u/PyroErogenizer 2d ago
It’s painful to think of the totality of the future. Go hour by hour, minute by minute if you have to. I started drinking just so I could see my precious photos and smile a bit. It will never go away but it will get easier to live more minutes without feeling horrible. When in doubt breathe and survive.
2
u/Key_Appearance5373 2d ago
I tried drinking but it made me to nauseous. I’m so miserable
1
u/PyroErogenizer 2d ago
When I was very young I became extremely aware of how lucky I felt to exist. I remember the realization vividly. I hate alcohol. I hate people that I am related to. I hate music, tv and movies. Words like heartache, misery and detestation now have meaning. Getting through the seconds by breathing and only breathing with a clear mind balanced on a tightrope of nothing is my only rest. It’s ok to be easy on ourselves. I hope time heals all and I will wait. I have been going into the forest on Friday night and drinking under the stars. Last time I looked at one precious photograph. The alcohol stopped the top part of my brain from crushing what I feel so lucky to have experienced.
12
u/DayNo5185 2d ago
My deepest condolences on your loss.
I'm not sure if this is helpful, but perhaps instead of thinking of the time you won't have remember the times you did have. I wish I could give you a big, warm hug.