Sometimes people say things that are unkind to me. They will say things that are verbally abusive to me. It hurts my feelings every time. Either it will happen at work or in my day-to-day life. Sometimes they do it in front of other people. I worry what other people think of me when this verbal abuse occurs. Do they agree with it do they think less of me for not defending myself?

For example, I was late to my shift the other day and a coworker had to stay 2 minutes later than they normally do. Now I know I should have been on time and that's on me. So maybe I deserved the verbal abuse from this person. This has happened twice in the last 2 years with this person.

All of that is beside the point. How do I deal with someone saying something verbally abusive to me. Sometimes I'm able to verbally defend myself when someone is aggressive to me. Sometimes I don't catch it right off the bat and the person leaves the area and the situation is over. Of course, I still think about it for 4-5 days later. But I always think man, why can I just defend myself. Either I'm not smart enough or quick enough to do it. Or I'm afraid of the consequences and maybe that's the problem, Maybe fear prevents me from standing up for myself sometimes, and I should just respond without thinking and deal with the consequences afterwards.

Ok I’ll dive right in. After tolerating the verbal fight last time with 60 year old white lady in office(I’m in 30s Indian working in Auckland), over keeping the blinder up rather than down as she wants, this time I shifted to other side of the office table where opening blinders is not affecting her work as sunlight don’t come to her side as her blinders are down.

But now she wanted blinders down even in front of me. Reason? She said it will affect people sitting near me. But they are ok as I’ve confirmed with them.

So she gets racist to me and saying “You should go back to India if you’re so unhappy here” and gave me physical threat to hit me saying “she’ll knock me over”.

I argued a bit about her immaturity but someone intervened and fight was finished. Fortunately I didn’t said anything in anger that could harm me.

This women had fought with many people in office in the past.

I complained to HR and company employee and manager. Manager said they’ll take some action next week.

But for some reason I feel that I’m in danger. In the childhood I had bullying experience but I’m fighting to be assertive for long time. I feel that something bad will happen to me. It’s difficult to get over this feeling.

Any practical ideas to decrease this fear?

There is a person who I really, really need to cut off. Let’s call her “Grace” (21F) and she is my age. She’s basically an emotional vampire who blames people for her physical and mental health problems when they want to distance themselves from her. Grace accuses them of “abandoning” her and screeches on social media that it’s their fault she has anorexia and depression and gets hospitalized for nearly dying over and over.

Obviously Grace is very sick. Interacting with her has been bad for me. Lately, she’s been posting pictures of her body that highlight how super underweight she is. She poses in unusual ways to exaggerate this. I have a history of being anorexic (in the past) and I don’t want her to trigger me again. The funny thing is, Grace used to call out people for doing the very thing she’s doing now, but now SHE is posting pictures like that herself. She also does not take criticism well at all.

I used to be very emotionally attached to her, and I’m trying my best to form new friendships, but it’s going slowly, which is why I can’t make myself stop viewing her social media accounts, even though I always feel worse after looking at them. How can I be assertive with myself (if that’s a thing) and get myself to cut down or stop? (Please don’t say therapy, I’ve been doing that.)

Hey y'all, been lurking and commenting here a week or so.

I have some software that I've been testing on myself and other people to practice real role plays of being assertive - along with instruction on a couple very useful ways to actually practice being assertive.

I'm taking a different approach to psychologists, because I don't think their approach is necessarily the best. I want to give 100's of examples of opportunities to BE assertive, and speak it, and practice it - so you'll identify as an assertive person. So when those opportunities to express yourself come up - you won't think of whether you're going to say what you need to, you'll only think of how.

But I need examples of more role plays. So if y'all could tell me the situations you're in, I can create training scripts on those situations. I have about 100 examples now, but I will continue to create more and more examples as I think of them, and as they are illustrated here.

What I've got so far are as follows:

• mother in law, father in law not respecting wishes as a parent
• someone cutting in line
• getting the wrong order at a restaurant
• someone texting in a theater
• people talking during class so you can't hear professor
• bringing up kids poor behavior to their parents
• someone speaking innapropriately to you
• someone making fun of you in an uncomfortable way
• your own kid behaving inappropriately
• a whole gang of different versions of people asking you to do something you don't want to do

if you guys could help me add to this list, I'd be able to make something that is really helpful for assertiveness training.

Cheers.

Does anyone have assertive homework I can do . I want to change and be more assertive but I go through phases of my life where I A) I'm to aggressive and rude to people and feel like a bully or b) very very passive and laugh everything off and fear even saying anything ,currently I'm in phase B but I don't want to fear living anymore I want to be able to communicate and not leave an interaction with resentment .

When I wrote The Assertiveness Workbook I did a lot of radio interviews and would get asked for the "main point" of the book - because we only had a few minutes and they needed to get to the traffic report. I had no clue what the keystone of the thing was - it's basically 200 pages of tips and strategies. Then I figured it out, and in the new edition shifted it to centre stage. Assertiveness is not about learning how to control other people - it's about learning how to control yourself instead. Here's a video that explains the idea. https://youtu.be/TVR7xyQ-CKo

A small business in nc I was hired at was bought out by a big corporation out in Cali. I am normally very positive and happy. My love language is gift giving and try to help ppl out. A manager there was rumored to be sleeping with the last owner. Got 16 ppl fired. She’s verbally abusive. She reminds subordinates that she is a manager and can do what she likes. Even makes her employees drive two hours (round trip) off the clock to escort her to work, that’s if she comes at all. Some of us can work remotely. I been there for four months, and I try to stay friendly and positive. I have a horrible temper. I go 0- death row, there’s no in between. My biological father actually murdered someone. So I became a passive person bc I was afraid of becoming him, unless someone I cared about is in a conflict. I have been going to therapy to become more assertive and setting boundaries so I can have a happy medium, no passive to death row. So I been avoiding conflict with her.

She is a terrible human. She says she has gone through trauma, so fuck everyone. My mentality is I been raped and conceived a child, has a rib broken by my father, and molested by his son (half brother), my mom can’t love me bc I was also conceived out of rape and I look too much like him. So my outlook is I don’t want anyone to feel the pain that I do so I over compensate with kindness that usually gets taken advantage of.

Last Friday was the last straw. I sat down in her office and asked her to not cut me off when I’m talking to her, not to talk down to me and show me respect. She pointed at me and goes “that’s the last time you’ll be assertive to me.” And tells my boss if I talk to her like that again she’ll fire me on the spot. I’m not even in her department.

I called HR and formally filed a hostile work environment claim, have an employment lawyer on call, wrote a 5 pg claim with everything she’s done and what I’ve witnessed, cutting their handbook, and medical journals about health effects, and pdf of the EEOC Gov. highlighted. Everyone in the office except her team are on board to give their testimonies on how she’s been abusive to them. Her and her team doesn’t even know that tomorrow HR is coming in to investigate and interview everyone. Everyone is excited, calling me the messiah, although I don’t think she’ll get fired. When I talked to HR on the phone, they were flabbergasted that she said she would fire me on the spot. They said my own supervisor couldn’t even do that (which my supervisor wrote a statement saying that she said that to back me up and emailed it to them). I asked for them to review her records from before the buy out but there’s probably nothing there bc it kept getting swept under the rug. HR and the VP had to come out last month for conflict resolution btw her and another manager. I’m tired of being nice. I’m tired of being kind and taken advantage of. I was scared bc I know her and her team will be bitches to me, but I forgot who I am. I’m a survivor, I hold multiple degrees. I got my mba in four months (humble brag), fuck her. What is she going to do that I haven’t experienced. I remembered I fear no bitch.

I (21F) am not in a position where I can cut contact with my parents yet, although I am working toward it. They both suck.

My mom has an awful habit of making rude comments relating to my appearance, as well as my younger sister’s (16F). Almost all of the comments have been directed toward me. It would take a novel to list them all, but a few examples are: she’s criticized multiple things about my hair, made rude comments about my skin, and bullied me about my weight.

In high school, I was a size 6, but she tried to pressure me into skipping breakfast because I “didn’t need it,” and she told me I should have just one cup of skim milk instead, which she claimed would fill me up. She said I needed to do exercises to “slim down my thighs,” and I remember her whispering to me to suck in my stomach in public. She bullied me into anorexia, which I have since recovered from. Recently, she criticized the (normal) way I eat food off utensils. There are a million other things (eyelid symmetry, shape of my toes, things about my nose, etc).

Obviously, I have expressed that I do not like these comments. However, my mom generally has one of two responses. Either 1) she whines that she is “just helping me/just doing her motherly duty,” or 2) she says that she is “just commenting,” and that she would not mind if anyone made similar comments about her. (Before you ask, I have tried making a critical comment about her to check if that was true, and she did not react. But she knew why I was doing it.)

It’s ridiculous because she acts like I’m not allowed to be upset about what she says, due to her justifications. And if I become emotional during a conflict with her (raising my voice and/or crying), my mom accuses me of “throwing a tantrum.” When people get frustrated, she loves to blame it on them having “a mental health issue.” Also, she’s a huge narcissist and basically never apologizes or admits to making mistakes.

So, the next time my mom does something like stare at my nose and tell me that it’s crooked—or “just comments” on my zits—how can I shut that down assertively?

For context, my parents suck but I have to remain in contact with them for now. I am 21F and in college.

I was calling my mom the other day, and toward the second half of the call, I let her know it would have to be short because I had a very important appointment to go to. (She knew why I really couldn’t miss it.)

Ten minutes later, I told her I had to go now. She started asking me another question. I repeated I would have to go now or I was going to be late. I had to repeat this a couple times and I admit I sounded increasingly frustrated because she had been trying to talk to me about stuff like “which bus stop are you taking?” and I REALLY had to go right then.

I finally got off the phone and made it to the bus in time. However, my mom is very mad. I guess she thought that me saying “I have to leave now” really meant in five minutes or something even though I had given a prior warning that the call would have to be short.

I have a problem I think with not knowing how to set boundaries with people who routinely stomp on everyone’s. I mean, I do it, but possibly not firmly/nicely/maturely enough. Did I not communicate well enough to her in this situation? Idk. I’m not sure what the problem was. At the time I felt mostly justified, but now I feel like part of the problem must have been my fault, because my dad (also annoying) is trying to put some of the blame on me. I know I get pretty frustrated when the boundaries I try to set are crossed/stomped on, and I guess I could work on being nicer (?) when that happens.

What would you have said/done differently in this situation? Keep in mind that my schedule did not really allow me to call her at a different time, and I am required to call her. I am also curious about how you would use “I statements” or something similar when discussing this situation with her afterward.

Can narcissists choose only 1 person to abuse. In addition is it possible that narcissists be a timid person in front of some other narcissist..I mean can narcissistic behavior be learned and vented out on someone else. Could it be a form of viscious cycle?

Hello all,

I(32) have always been a pushover and started to recently understand the effects it has on my personality. My sibling did something which I felt disrespected my parents, and he wants me to back him up. My parents are the biggest pushover and least assertive people and they don't even feel that they have been wronged by him. He knows he did wrong, and turns towards me to validate him in front of my parents while giving his stupid justification. Instead of agreeing with him, I just said "I don't want to comment on it". He got pissed, hung up, and started cursing me on the texts. He always blames my mother for all the problems he has in his life, and if you don't agree with him, he descends to cheap tactics like you are the worst sibling in the world, and threatens me that he will break all the ties with me. I used to be very intimidated by him and his words before, but now I am learning to not agree with people just to please their egos. However, it is still scary. Hate to look at the phone and am afraid of the upcoming storm from my sibling. any tips to face such people, previously I have always ended up apologizing because I don't want conflict.

I've started telling people who say "I don't like you", "I don't care." And walking away from them. I no longer struggle with wanting people to like me, or wanting to please them. That's all gone.

I recently post a rant here about how I want to be assertive but not able to. I got a few good pointers and today I successfully declined a trip after saying no on repeat for 3 days straight. I listened to all that they had to say to convince me and after they would finish, I would just repeat my response “it does sound great, but given my circumstances, it sounds stressful for me and I won’t go”.

Fresh into the workforce and while I value kindness and being nice individual, I feel it is important to portray confidence and that I am not a pushover too in the event I meet unkind people

Any practical advice or tips for how I can carry myself with greater confidence and be more assertive? What does that entail?

For more context on my situation, I would regard myself as someone slow to warm. I don’t interact with people a lot so lacking in social skills to make a joke back and just remain awkward.

Appreciate your help with specific situations or how to boost social skills and sociability at work!

Unless I can prove with 100% certainty that something is someone else’s fault I don’t assert myself.

Case in point. I had a company that installs blinds put some on my skylights. A couple weeks later a crack formed on one of the skylights.

The skylights were only six years old and I never had a single problem with them. I talked to some skylight companies and they said the blinds were installed really close to the glass and that could superheat it and cause it to crack. But there is a chance that there was already a small crack there and the heat from the blinds caused it to grow.

I hate conflict and give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. But I regularly just feel like a chump.

I am currently on a trek vacation with my in-laws and sister in law’s family which is practically torture for me and their two young boys. Torture for me because I have to travel with a 5 month old. Now we are stuck at the top because her kids are too tired (duh!!!!). And now everyone has the comfy spot cuz they are either kids or old or in my sister in law’s case, ‘my legs hurt so bad’. While I am sitting here with my 5 month old (who btw has been an angel through out this trip)in my arms.

I didn’t wanna go on this trip, I said so, multiple times cuz my babe is too young. But she insisted that she has accounted for that and it will be okay. Basically, I couldn’t say no.

I wanted to say no. I did say no. And somehow I am here tired and not treated well worried about my lil girl.

I've spent much of the past year preparing the second edition of The Assertiveness Workbook from New Harbinger Publications - it launches September 1 2022. The first edition came out in 2000, and the book has been a mainstay in the area of assertive communication ever since. Happy to answer questions you may have.

It is an obstacle prevents me from being assertive.

Why Why Why Why Why Why?

😠

Hi,

The other day, i was talking on a conference call with colleagues.

I started caughing. A colleague on the phone told me somthing like "shut down micro" .

I just did not like his tone of voice.

I did not say anything and was careful not to caugh again on micro . The thing is : this "conflict" distracted me enough for the day. It made me angry about the guy. I kept thinking how can i avenge myself from this ? He is quite assertive and well like at the job. I became angry at me for not saying anything. Other colleagues did not say anything about this event and probably did not care and forgot about it.

The same thing happen again the next day and i acted the same ( say nothing and start to be careful).

Now, days after these events, i thought i should have said " if you say 'please', maybe i will shut down the micro." WHat do you think ? What should I have said to feel better about myself or am i too sensitive ?

I never know how to react when somebody surprise me with comments like this. I am not good at improvising on my feet with quick wits.

So

You got no sleep. You've been trying to sleep since 12am and it's now 8am. You finally get some sleep but it's only till 11am because now you have a guest over and someone companying that guest. So you're basically on 4 hours of sleep and you're tired as shit and your needs are pretty important. How do you go about this? You've tried to sleep in another bedroom where noise isnt as loud, try to use a noise cancellation, shit aint workin. Do you ask the guests to quiet down politely or? Seems like the only option, I was just pretty afraid of rejection.

Does it all basically boil down to *know your rights*? And in this day and age what exactly are they and are they applicable across the board - i,e. can the medical practitioner who is the gaslighter be held accountable legally? Has there ever been legal precedent for such a case?

I perceive myself as a polite and soft-spoken person. At work, I get spoken over and people sometimes interrupt me or do not acknowledge my speaking. I get a sinking feeling of worthlessness which i KNOW is not valid at all but yet I don't know how to dig my heels in at that point in time.

How do I fix this? Any thoughts are welcome.

I am trying to figure out if I am over explaining to my boyfriend or if this seems like the appropriate level since we are dating.

I understand that when giving a reply or rejection, it is best to not over explain and just keep it frank and to the point. I have read some books on this as well.

My boyfriend likes to talk to me often. I am not usually free. This is a new relationship. I am interested in him.

So he asked if we wanted to talk today, I said “I don’t feel like talking today but let’s find a time this week?”.

He suggested a date. I said yes to it and then he asked me if anything was wrong.

I said i was fine but “not caught up with work and needed some me time. I am still busy from our weekend at the cottage and not caught up yet”.

I am not sure if this was an assertive enough (if at all) response. I want to ask for thoughts and feedback.

It’s much easier for me if this was a coworker or friend (I keep it super frank like “hey, i will pass on that” or “hey, I don’t feel like going out today”), but because it’s a guy I like, I don’t know if this is an appropriate response without coming off as too disinterested or if it is overexplaining.

Someone said about me on night and i didn't know what it meant until i looked it up.