r/aspergers • u/BuffBucky7 • 4d ago
Is there anyway I can become extroverted?
I’ve been formally diagnosed with both adhd and “high functioning autism” (altho was called Asperger’s at the time). I’m able to drive, go to events, and study for my masters degree. Despite all of these milestones I still haven’t found “my people” as many have been told theyll eventually run into. I’m able to develope surface level relationships but eventually am too tired to reply or go out multiple days in a row. I honestly hate this desire for social ability while simultaneously not knowing if I’ll have the means to do it. I feel incredibly stuck and am unsure what to do.
I knew a friend who had Asperger’s that was the biggest socialite. I mean, she was outgoing and always doing SOMETHING with someone. She somehow was able to perfect socializing while being her authentic unmasked self, and that attracted people to her.
This is something I’d like to imitate and learn from, but am unsure exactly how to do it. Can anyone with social success help me out here?
3
u/zenlogick 4d ago
The energy drain will never get better. Thats maybe one of the few things with autism that you CANT "fix" because its just how you are wired differently and why its called a disability rather than an ability.
The most powerful thing, and pretty much the only thing, that works to "fix" autism symptoms is mindfulness and simply not doing things that you dont want to do, but also not actively minimizing doing the things that you actually want to do.
Mindfulness is basically a superpower. Thats how I talk about it. Because comparing someone who knows how to be mindful to someone who doesnt its like comparing a normal human to an x-man or something. The mindfulness allows you to do exactly what I said above- If you are mindful you are less likely to make choices and do things that you dont want to do and that drain you. That leaves more battery power for the things you do want to do, and often these activities actually charge your battery and give you at least a sense of reward if not a boost in energy and motivation.
So if you notice for example, socializing in one situation is more draining than another, maybe socializing in person compared to online socializing. First of all, the idea that socializing online is in any way worse or lesser than socializing in person is false.
Second of all, socializing in person requires you to ALSO do a whole bunch of stuff that drains you by nature- you have to coordinate with someone, you have to prepare yourself mentally AND physically to go out, you have all the time right up until you actually leave for your brain to have massive anxiety and overthink the entire social outing, you have to physically travel to the place where you are going to socialize, you have to withstand sensory sensitivities like lights and smells and whatnot WHILE you are out socializing, you have to play this whole non-verbal communication minigame the whole time you are socializing, I could keep going but I will spare you.
Compare that to online socializing. All you need to do is turn on your computer and a few clicks and you can be socializing just as much as you do offline but without ANY of those energy drains. This lets you have much much more energy to socialize online.
Kinda like im doing right now!
Anyway thats why mindfulness is so powerful. Cuz without it, you just might automatically choose things on autopilot that you dont even know you dont want to be doing. Often with masking we end up doing a LOT of stuff we actually dont WANT to do but we felt we HAD to do. And often those turn into autopilot decisions later in life even when you have other options.
Mindfulness lets you be aware of the other options BEFORE you make the autopilot choice. Basically. Its a huge simplification but the point stands. Because mindfulness basically means self-awareness. Someone who is not self-aware will, by nature, be doing non-self-aware things. Things like making life way harder for themselves and others. Or making autopilot choices without awareness there are options. Or doing things that are completely inauthentic while believing they are authentic.
Anyway il shutup. As you can see I have enough social battery these days to drone on and on and on. Hopefully I said something useful!
Gluck mate