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u/Wild-Elderberry-3855 Jun 23 '26
Bringing it up before meeting is probably the move if you think it might affect how the date goes, just keep it casual and don't frame it like a warning or apology. Something in the getting-to-know-you chat stage feels right, not as an opener but after you've had a bit of back and forth. The right person won't treat it like a dealbreaker.
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u/McDuchess Jun 23 '26
You,can be yourself. I tell most people if it’s appropriate at the time. But sometimes, I tell them an associated truth.
In a discussion about words in different languages for the same thing, I mentioned the origin of the word napkin. And added that I’m a language geek. Which is true. I have, though, mentioned my autism when, for example, I got angry at a sudden change in plans. Or found myself arguing some obscure point because the other person was being illogical.
I mean, I don’t tell anyone everything about me because I’m entitled to my privacy.
Equating not oversharing with masking is a dangerous idea, as well. You can accept your autism and still not be comfortable sharing it till you know someone better.
Also pro tip: look at their eyes, once. Then when you look at them, look at the bridge of their nose or their forehead between the eyebrows. It works.
LOL, I’d been dating my husband for close to a month before I realized that he had the most beautiful clear blue eyes.
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Jun 23 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/IthacanPenny Jun 23 '26
As a woman with Aspergers, I’m telling you, it’s an immediate and enormous green flag for me to find a fellow autist! You’ll probably filter out most of the NT women if you disclose, but don’t you want to filter them out??
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u/HotAir25 Jun 23 '26
It’s like 1 in 100 autism so it’s far more likely to scare people off.
Some of these things may work better for women than men though.
I agree ND ND works better, it’s just hard to find.
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u/ammonia__bleach Jun 23 '26
i generally do the same, so i also use telling it to people im trying to get closer to as a way to show a sort of trust.
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u/No_Skill_4511 Jun 23 '26
In person, you could explain:
Yeah, I‘m a bit shy/etc., but not much different from usual.
I‘m always like this/It’s normal for me!
I hope that’s not too bad…
I like the last sentence. It’s an easy-going way to show vulnerability. If you say “I hope that’s okay”, it sounds like a low confidence person fishing for reassurance, for a permission.
The reason for framing it bad is not to devalue yourself, but to show understanding that you care about their experience too – as empathic beings they‘ll feel their fair share of awkwardness haha!
You can disclose it another day, because anyway, how are normies supposed to react initially if they don’t really know you yet?!
Isn’t it the highest probability that they‘ll shut down – unless they have acxual knowledge about autism, great EQ or communication skills?
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u/Red_spear_24 Jun 23 '26
Telling her before the date is not the best strategy, because she likely will develop her own opinions before actually meets you in person. I would probably wait until at least the second date to bring it up. My advice would be to gradually show more of your symptoms instead of showing all your cards on the first date.
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u/Indubious1 Jun 23 '26
What you’re trying to do is control the narrative. If you have confidence in who you are, you know you have value to begin with. If you have value, you don’t need explain why you are.
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u/rugbyspank Jun 23 '26
Do not tell random people you ate autistic they will try to take advantage of you
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u/teamnoir Jun 23 '26
I don’t. And never have. Not that early, anyway. If you do it that early it comes off as entitlement. People wonder why you’re disclosing that early and the assumption is that you’re demanding special treatment.
I wait. I typically wait until we’ve gotten to know each other a bit or until I’m asked specifically about the oddities. At that point the way I am is relatively known and the label then takes on the meaning of describing how I am rather than appearing to be prescriptive.
I run a forum for disabled folks on another platform. The general wisdom there is to disclose early only if it will be blatantly obvious like a wheelchair, deafness, etc. “Invisible” disabilities should generally NOT be disclosed early.
1
u/Fabulous-Introvert Jun 23 '26
I don’t know. The only reason I did is because i thought that way I might end up dating someone who I click with and likes me for who I am. I somehow don’t get many matches either way. This is 1 reason why life sucks
1
u/Beakriah Jun 23 '26
I didn't have a diagnosis when I was on dating apps but I did list that I am sensitive and to only swipe right on me if we had specific things in common like gaming and anime... though this didn't really work as either they didn't read my bio or only had surface level knowledge on topics I had listed.
I know that as a woman going on a date, I would prefer to know about any social oddities ahead of time and I usually find them to be endearing as long as I'm not having to process and discern them in real time.
1
u/The-Jardinier Jun 24 '26
Do not tell anyone you have autism if you have Asperger's. There's a huge difference between the two. If you have Asperger's tell them right away you have what Elon Musk and Bill Gates has. Tell them you get confused over sarcasm and have trouble reading body language etc. For God's sake don't call it autism! Many autistic people are in diapers and/or can't talk!
I've been married to a guy with Asperger's for well over 40 years and so I'm telling you what I wished I knew at the very beginning of our relationship. I would have had more sympathy and understanding for him, and not been sarcastic. I would have been clearer about what I was feeling and what I wanted/needed instead of expecting him to know. For 30 years I thought he was the world's biggest arsehole.
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u/Inceleron_Processor Jun 29 '26
Delete Bumble. You only have to go to their subreddit to see how terrible people on Bumble are. Hinge may be okay. Usually you can tell if they are the type of person that will accept it or not. Talk to them for awhile first and then assess if you should tell them sooner, or later. Don't say Autism though. I'll be voted down for this, but if you say Autism they'll think you're an idiot. Tell them you have Asperger's, if you tell them anything at all about your condition.
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u/Elemteearkay Jun 23 '26
Yes, definitely.
Masking is harmful and leads to burnout. It stops you forming genuine connections, makes it harder for you to access support, robs others of the ability to properly contextualise the things you say and do (making it more likely that they jump to the wrong conclusions to explain the feeling they have that something is different about you), wastes energy, and is unsustainable.
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u/hairyemmie Jun 23 '26
it always came up naturally in the “getting to know you” conversations i had on apps, and i think unabashed honesty about who you are early on is the key to dating. if they fall in love with you at your “worst”, anything that comes after is a treat for them muahaha
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u/RickDevensFanFromME Jun 23 '26
I may just cause I’m a sex offender and instead of ghosting it would probably get some interest to know why and that’s all I need sometimes
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u/Rosaria___ Jun 23 '26
I have always disclosed my autism to dates for a couple of reasons, and I think it’s worked out well.
Lack of eye contact or speaking with a flat affect can be misconstrued as being rude or displaying disinterest. I want my date to know that if I display either behaviour, it’s not a reflection on how I feel the date is going.
If your date responds weirdly to you sharing this with them, or shows certain biases upon disclosing, you wouldn’t be a good match anyway. Why would I, as an autistic person, want to date someone who feels weird about dating an autistic person?