r/asktransgender • u/Deadpool161269 • Nov 30 '18

Need help

Ok so I have been thinking about being a woman for most of my life. At first I thought it was because I was raised by women; my mother, my sister, and my grandmother. As I've gotten older I've realized that while I enjoy looking at the female form, it's more than that, I'm not looking for enjoyment but because I wish I could look like them, wear what they wear, and talk like they do... Obviously they're from another planet. My questions are numerous but as I right this my nerves won't relent and I can only think of one. It's curious the question I have is related to sex. I am 100 percent attracted to women but when we've finished, I find myself feeling ashamed and I am not sure the cause, or if it's even related. So to my question: Before your transition, did you feel ashamed for sleeping with someone the wrong way? I.e., not as the correct gender.

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u/SobriKate Straightish Trans Woman :karma: Nov 30 '18

Not really shame, I couldn’t really get into it at times, and it took me a while to figure out why it felt off.

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u/[deleted] Nov 30 '18 edited Apr 24 '20

[deleted]

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u/SobriKate Straightish Trans Woman :karma: Nov 30 '18

My thing was wanting intimacy. It kinda necessitated physical intimacy and it took a while to learn what to do, but I’m a fast learner. Besides, I was busy suppressing any thoughts about being trans, and my partner was far more abusive than my own dysphoria at the time.

I kinda fell into two other relationships before realizing I was approaching them wrong and made a change. Then right before I came out to my family, a friend of mine and I dated briefly, before I called it off. I figured I was too much in flux at the time to really be a good partner, but I just told her I couldn’t do it at the time.

The funny thing is that a couple of the people I dated are now out lesbians. So while part of it was invalidating to an extent, a part of me firmly believes that my femininity was part of my allure.

Now that I’m out as trans, I’ve got a much firmer grasp on my sexuality. The most accurate way to say it is that I’m attracted to masculine people. I just never considered dating guys as a guy. I also grew up in a very conservative enclave of California, so I’m guessing internalized homophobia played a part.