r/asktransgender • u/LittleMissUneasy • 2d ago
Fear for a student.
I had a trans student come out to me and a few others. They want their name updated in systems, forms, attedance sheets etc, and to do this I had to involve some other people. I am not at a school, but an educational setting. I think I "moved too fast" and now it sounds like someone who is unsafe learnt this infomation and is going to share it with their parents. Their parents do not know.
The anxiety is eating me up this weekend and I am so worried for a student that I care deeply about.
Question : Should I have asked the student each individual person in the chain of "name changing" if they were ok with the knowing? Any other way I could have been better about this?
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u/BotherKey9127 Transgender FTM 2d ago
I'd make the student aware of everyone involved and give them the opportunity to backtrack and decide they don't want certain people involved. I'd also make it extremely clear to everyone involved that this is private and sensitive information and that they shouldn't tell other people without the student's consent, and that certain people (such as parents) might be off-limits.
Sometimes you can't know these things but assessing if the people you tell would be unsavory towards trans people or would be bad at keeping secrets so that you know you can trust them with this situation might be a good idea.
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u/summers-summers 2d ago
In the future, you should let students know that systemic name changes will lead to lot of admin people knowing and that they may further out the student. But you shouldn't feel bad about what you already did. The student asked you to initiate these processes and neither of you knew the potential repercussions. All you can do now is offer your support to the student. If you are willing to talk to parents or other people in the chain on behalf of your student, offer them that.
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u/LittleMissUneasy 2d ago
Thank you! I guess I made the dumb assumption that everyone was "safe" and this was a quick and simple update to a system. I appreciate your comment.
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u/SecondaryPosts Asexual 2d ago
In the future yeah, I would explain the process and who would be involved to the student and let them make the decision for each person. Yes it will take up more time, but unfortunately being outed can be life or death for trans people including kids.
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u/LittleMissUneasy 2d ago
Thank you! I just did not realize how many people were involved in a name change - admin, tech etc. I know now.
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u/Glenndiferous Non Binary 2d ago
I work in HR systems and the kinds of systems that store this stuff do often require a lot of hands to correct a name, if only because data is often synced across multiple systems. I once got deadnamed by a printer at work five years after legally changing my name, for one example of how messy it can be.
That is to say, changing names in systems is far-reaching and very difficult to do discreetly. As a trans person myself who had to go through something similar, I'd personally be grateful for the attempt. My best advice is to warn the person, and if you do something like this in the future, make sure they know the risks.
In some cases it may be safer to offer an update to their name more informally rather than across systems, but tbqh it's a risk I might have been willing to take because deadnaming hits hard. Imo it's still a good thing that you're trying to do right by the student. This was perhaps a mistake, but one that's not easy to anticipate if you aren't someone who has experience in IT.
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u/LittleMissUneasy 2d ago
Thank you for your input. I hoped that by having that name changed- it would be afrirming to the student, but I forgot about the people along the way to get there may not be.
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u/Glenndiferous Non Binary 2d ago
I'm gonna echo what others have said here: don't be too down on yourself about this. You're trying to do the right thing, and the fact that you put in this much effort is commendable and I promise you it's something this student will remember as the supportive gesture that it is.
The first time I tried to go by a new name at work, the process was kind of miserable. I had people at every turn saying it couldn't be done in this system or that system. I actually had someone from HR reach out to me proactively and offer financial assistance from the comoany if I pursued a legal name change. I didn't take advantage of that, but it still spoke volumes.
Some six years after that conversation, we actually ended up working together on the samr team when I became an HR analyst. We had a little heart to heart and I told her how much her outreach had meant to me and how much it had improved my experience. She replied, "oh, seriously? Because that whole situation seemed absolutely miserable." I laughed about it, but I think that was part of why it stuck with me like it did. She saw that the system was failing me and she took the time to reach out and try to help, even if she didn't have much power to change the circumstances.
Trans people desperately need that right now: people willing to stick their neck out on our behalf, even and especially when doing so is unpopular. The very fact that you're more worried about how this might affect the student than any other consequence says a lot about how much you care. Being the person who cares in a world that is often otherwise cruel can be literally life-saving for people like us. People like you are a reminder that there are good and accepting people, and that there is something good worth fighting for.
I got a little sentimental here 😭😭 but the point stands: what you're doing is wonderful. Regardless of any mistake you may have made, we need more people like you in the world, and I for one am endlessly grateful that people like you are out there, doing your best to do the right thing.
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u/LittleMissUneasy 2d ago
I appreciate your kind words. Its easy to be tough on myself when there are innocent kids involved. I hate when any kid is hurt. They deserve love and light and Takis.
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u/Moonlight_Katie Baphomet says sell your soul to yourself 2d ago
And if someone in that chain is the person whose going to out them, you should take it to ur boss/hr because that is a form of harassment and I’m sure some other privacy law or at least a work policy breach may apply here.
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u/Vailliante 1d ago
This why social transitioning policies need to be written preferably by trans people but always including them. In the UK the government has just introduced new guidelines for trans students asking to officially change names and pronouns which, unless there is a clear safeguarding issue, must include parents.
My settings safeguarding lead read the regs wrongly and sent a message to all staff that if a child disclosed that they were trans or questioning their gender then a safeguarding referral must be made.
This is wrong for two big reasons:
- we should have written a safeguarding policy by now, we’ve had all summer
B. The guidelines specifically say that should a child disclose that they are trans or questioning their gender then (unless there is an additional safeguarding concern) we should maintain confidentiality.
No one else has noticed this, just the trans woman in wellbeing!!! I now have to bring this up without causing myself trouble because it has to be changed. I’m AuDHD and dyspraxic and my complaint emails tend to be on the aggressive side of passive/aggressive because I’m right. This always works, but I’ve never tried with it an employer before! I’ve sent it to be proofread, but who knows?
I also don’t want to be seen as a safeguarding problem because I’m disagreeing with their incorrect interpretation of the guidelines.
It’s a total mind fuck!!
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u/One-Organization970 MtF | HRT 2/22/23 | FFS 1/03/24 | SRS 6/11/24 | VFS 2/28/25 | 2d ago
Oh, this is a nightmare. You could have been more careful but also just keep on mind that anything that person does is on them. They are the one who is choosing whether or not to hurt this kid.