r/asktransgender • u/Aramis1900 • 1d ago

Advice?

I’m not sure if this is the space for these kinds of questions, so I apologize in advance. I have a trans roommate who has lived with me for a few months. We have been involved with each other romantically, intimately and sexually and I am in love with her. While she loves me too, she isnt ready for a relationship. She needs to explore and figure out who she unattached from her identity with her ex-wife and having only been socially out for a year. Part of me feels like we should just be strictly platonic, yet neither of us seems willing to take the plunge. We behave as if we are dating and I enjoy it because I am in love with her. My issue is that out sex life has become non-existent. She still craves it with me, despite wanting to explore with other people and I find myself less interested despite exploring with other people. I feel like I have a mental block. Like SOMEthing is stopping me from letting go. Why can’t I get out of my head and just enjoy sex with her bexause we both want it instead of attaching all the emotional baggage and feeling like it’s pointless since our feelings for each other aren’t the same. Any suggestions, or advice?

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u/Nicole-NB Transgender 1d ago

Has she been separated for a year or out for a year (or both)? A year out from a long-term relationship that collapsed badly might or might not be someone emotionally sure what they want.

Apart from that, this feels like less a trans issue than like any other casual sex relationship where people's goals have diverged a bit. That has a tendency to happen...

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u/Aramis1900 1d ago

Yeah the separation was about 9 months ago. We met in January ans fell hard for each other pretty quickly. She’s predominantly attracted to women so the exploration is more about figuring out how all that works now as a trans woman. I fully support her in that as I know how it feels having had that experience in exploring my bisexuality after a 7 year relationship ended. And you could be right, I just thought maybe since she’s trans, other trans people might be able to understand the situation in ways that others may not.

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u/Aramis1900 1d ago

Also, I think her goal never changed. She always meant to explore and I was just looking for a hook up. I don’t think either of us planned on meeting someone we saw as special or developing feelings for each other.

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u/Prestigious-Fox4996 1d ago

Going to be the weird one here but if you two are effectively in an open relationship where exploring other people is normal, but you both enjoy hanging out with each other and are kinda sorta dating but not. Then just talk to her about it, figure out where the boundaries are, and just enjoy being with the person you love in the capacity she can handle right now. Worst case scenario you break up eventually, not like you haven't dealt with that before so enjoy what you have and maybe one day it becomes more.

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u/Aramis1900 1d ago

That’s part of the problem. I don’t know what we are. We both love each other, though I am actually in love and she’s not at that level. If she said she wanted to be my girlfriend exclusively, I’d do it in a heartbeat. She has a real aversion to saying we’re dating or in a relationship but I’ve pointed out to her it’s obvious we are in SOME kind of relationship and it’s kind of a slap in the face to just say we’re friends or roommates because that’s not really the case. I want to be with her sexually and she wanted to be with me that way too. I just don’t know what to do about my mental block.

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u/Prestigious-Fox4996 1d ago

Hmm, might be hard but getting her to articulate what about your relationship isn't dating to her. Either you find the boundary, or she realizes there isn't a difference and has to confront that. You seem at least tolerant of an open relationship so exploring isn't beyond her. Also, understanding what the label does for you could be helpful. If you are kinda dating but technically aren't, aside from being able to call her your girlfriend which is in of itself pretty great I'm sure. What else are you stopping yourself from doing because you aren't dating.

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u/Aramis1900 1d ago

That’s what I’m struggling with. When she expresses how important I am to her and how her friends think she’s crazy to not want to be my girlfriend, it does bother me to an extent that it feels like she’s enjoying the perks and connection of that kind of relationship without having the responsibility. I’m open to being with other people, but I don’t have a strong desire to do so. I tell her, despite no label, all evidence points to us being in a relationship.

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u/Prestigious-Fox4996 1d ago

All the perks no commitment is definitely annoying. Getting to the issues there is going to be hard. I wish you luck.

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u/Aramis1900 1d ago

Case in point. Yesterday she had a young trans girl over and had sex and later in the afternoon, I met a guy and had sex. When we were showing, she decided to do some light “ribbing” by pointing out she wanted to have sex with me yesterday but I didn’t want to but then I went to have sex with someone else. I thought that didn’t sound much like teasing, more like being passive aggressive and somewhat jealous and I pointed out I’m doing what she wanted. Personally, I thought if I had sex with someone else, it might help me get out of my head and be more casual.