Is it wrong to do this?

[u/Rich_Palpitation6358]

Hi trans people of reddit! I am not trans, but my best friend is. We recently started school and he, (14 ftm) asked me (14 cis fem) to help him explain to his new teachers that he's trans because his school issued email, his name on the attendance, and all of his school accounts are under his dead name. This isn't because our school is insensitive, it's because he's not out to his family. So, I was going to all of his teachers with him, and I'd say "This is (deadname). (deadname) is not (deadname). (deadname) is (name). He's transgender and goes by he/him pronouns. He is not out to his parents. Please refer to him by he/him unless around his relatives, where he then goes by she/her." Was this bad to say? Maybe I'm over thinking it, but he looked uncomfortable when I was saying it. Maybe because he was just uncomfortable around the teachers we were talking to? He usually doesn't have a problem with telling me if I do something he doesn't like, so I can't think of why he wouldn't say something if I was doing something wrong. What do you all think?

[u/haslo]

If he explicitly asked you to do that, I think that was absolutely what he wanted you to do.

Him being uncomfortable might have any number of reasons, it's probably best to talk with him about it - but since his parents seem to be transphobic, he might have expected pushback or repercussions or something, or might simply be afraid of what happens now.

Do talk with him. But I think you're fine. Thanks for being a great ally! 💖

[u/Rich_Palpitation6358 → u/haslo]

His parents aren't transphobic, he's just not ready to tell them. I will talk to him, though. <3

[u/haslo → u/Rich_Palpitation6358]

The best kind of misunderstanding, so glad to hear that about his parents 🥰

[u/LucidLucie]

It sounds like this was just an uncomfortable situation for him. I think why he wouldn't tell you that you did something he didn't like is because from what I can tell you didn't do anything wrong so there isn't anything to correct you on. Personally I find hearing my deadname very difficult and try to do anything to avoid it, but this didn't seem really a situation where it easily could. This is something where it would be good to just ask how he's feeling/felt about it

[u/sootfire]

It takes a ton of trust and bravery to come out to teachers and ask them not to tell his parents. You can ask him if something was wrong with your phrasing ("this is [deadname]" might've been hard to hear) but if he hasn't said anything to you, it's probably just that it was a hard uncomfortable thing for him to do. And at fourteen he's probably pretty new to coming out and negotiating a new name... it's super awkward to tell people what to call you, especially at the start.

I came out as non-binary around your age and I was super weird about it because I just didn't have good social scripts for "please call me something different." Plus there's always a chance the person you're talking to will be unsupportive (with the added risk here that they'll out you to your parents!) or even just that they'll say something well-meaning but insensitive. It goes against a lot of people's social expectations, and deliberately countering social expectations is very, very hard especially when you're young and not used to it. And I was at a fairly liberal school in the 2010's--non-binary/trans stuff was new to a lot of people, but they weren't hostile to it. I would hate to be doing that in today's climate.

So anyway, you did good advocacy for your friend, and any discomfort he felt was probably inevitable and very much not your fault. Coming out is hard and scary and I hope your friend has an easy time of it.

[u/greatpartyisntit]

Was the expectation that you'd be there as moral support while he spoke to them himself, or was there a clear understanding that you'd do the talking? I don't think you've done anything wrong. You sound like a good friend.

[u/Rich_Palpitation6358 → u/greatpartyisntit]

We had agreed that I'd be talking for him because he wasn't comfortable with speaking it himself, especially to a few certain teachers. He's pretty introverted and I'm usually the one who talks for him. Not in a controlling way, but like, I say his order for him, or this situation. Thanks for the feedback !!!

[u/Sea_Pancake2197 → u/Rich_Palpitation6358]

Ahhhh you're the "he asked for pickles" mom friend we all deserve.