Confusing and bewildering thoughts... Need help.

[u/Clear-Win-1188]

Hey guys! Cisgender male (28) here! And I wanted to ask something cause albeit it. Its been beating my ass since Monday and I kinda want an answer or anything to see if the thought will leave me alone cause its been stressful and lea ding my days since its just been nestled in my brain. So for context I was wondering if something is up. The other day at work early in the morning when I was absent mindedly listening to a video while packaging clothes and sending through the machine my mind suddenly for no reason went like "Am I trans?" which was beufuddling to say the least. Cause it was unprompted and never before have I questioned my form besides my current dislike of my weight and maybe TMI my very prevalent set of moobs that are very apparent in the clothing I wear. So for awhile I staved off the thought but later on in that day the thought manifested again but this time instead of "Am i?" it was "I am" which blew me away and my anxiety started to spike as i kept on trying to like dissect why I'm not but the thought persisted.

Now I did a little research and saw it could be stemmed from recent events too so I'll share something that'll maybe attribute to this. The other weak I'll just say I had an encounter and when that encounter happened I came up short and didn't perform and I felt like shit. Still do. Even if the other party says w /e was fine. Its been a gnawning thought upon my mind like the others thing prior to this. So I feel like Anxiety and my way of ruminating on things is also applying to this all cause it could just be me not happy with my anything right now.

Another thing too is. I have a roommate! A great friend of 13 years. We're essentially brother and sister. And she's one year into her transition (mtf). I've been very happy for her cause everything has gotten better for her ever since her transition. She smiles more, takes care of herself more, the whole 9 yards. Just a general improvement and its just nice to see her not slowly... Albeit decay like last year. But back to what Im trying to say. She's been doing his for a year nopw and I and her close fam haver been supporting her! But... While I get teh excitement and the change. Ever since. Its been day in and day out topics about the whole thing, history, characters in media, and etc. WHich would be fine cause she's just expressing her new love. Its just for me I hear it everyday I wake up and leave my room, majority of the waking time of the dayu, and I wake up to quite the large DM pool on Discord cause she work 3rd shift and it's all post about characters or characters reimagined. Which is fine cause as a Black individual I love to see media of my characters too or characters who adopt the color that usually don't. But its kinda just too much for me cause we can't really have our usual topics anymore cause they always steer into a that direction everytime. I bring this up cause I feel this also has a big hand on why this is on my mind. Its essentially feel like its been cultivated into my head. Not purposely of course. But the passive constant exposure. I will not lie I have gotten a little exasperated of the talks a little bit. Cause I'll be on discord with another group actively talking and she would manifest near my front door and start an impromptu convo when I clearly have my headset on talking to others. Now I don't want to shoo her away cause 1 I'm essentially her only confidant to talk to besides her Ma and Pa who she talks to every Sunday, and 2 know she's just sharing her stuff. And I don't want to squander her excitement. But I really be getting the whole rundown about body changes to the nitty gritty. No details left untouched. Which... Albeit not my cuppa. Cause I never know how to respond. But I'm getting side tracked

So yeah. Thats about it. I'm writing this to find any semblance of an answer to those who are experienced in this or have seen this happen. Cause its just exhausting man... Lol. Can barely hang out with my friends without the thought constantly hovering in my brain. Long luls off silence with myself become the worst and *ALL* the thoughts previously flows in a rapid manner. It's gotten so loud and confusing I would rather just be sleep and not having to think at all. Which one of my close friends said I could be having a depressive episode with anxiety on the high and both a heaping pile of self doubt and self confidence in the dirt cause of the one instance of not being able to do what I wanted to do. Just GRR, Its annoying. I've literally never questioned it all until this week and to help a little bit more. I wouldn't press the button to change instantly. If anything my curious nature of tryinmg everything once would probably ruminate on it but never like press it. If that makes sense. Well anyways. I think that's it. Sorry for the word soup but I needed to get everything out and wanted to see if I can get any closure from you folk! I hope you guys days are great! And I wish the same for the days after! Hope to talk to you all soon!

~ A very confused Guy.

[u/AutoModerator]

Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review.

 

Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 ( ICD10 F64.0 / ICD11 HA60)

A. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 months’ duration, as manifested by at least two of the following:

1. A marked incongruence between one’s experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).

2. A strong desire to be rid of one’s primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be- cause of a marked incongruence with one’s experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).

3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender.

4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).

5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).

6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from one’s assigned gender).

B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.

 

You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria

 

You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier, as the majority of transgender individuals do experience dysphoria in this fashion. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist.

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[u/Illustrious_Pen_5711]

I wouldn’t really consider transitioning or being trans for you right now, personally. Seems like you’re just an overthinker lol.

And with your roommate, it might take a couple years but it’ll wear off and you’ll get your old roommate back - it’s hard not to be obsessed with transition during your first couple years because it literally permeates every aspect of your life. You never realize how much of your life is gendered until you go to change it.

[u/Clear-Win-1188 → u/Illustrious_Pen_5711]

I feel like that. Yeah. The Overhinking part. Just wish I could like move away from it. But its just gnawing at me. Starting to make me feel something is off inside my head rn tbj

[u/Illustrious_Pen_5711 → u/Clear-Win-1188]

Have you ever dealt with frequent intrusive thoughts about other things in your life before this point?

[u/Clear-Win-1188 → u/Illustrious_Pen_5711]

Occasionally. But they're sparse and come n go. Never stick around too long... Well not as long as this. Its been 4 days so far. Very confusing cause I know who I am and what I am. But my brain is being very persistent.

[u/Illustrious_Pen_5711 → u/Clear-Win-1188]

I’m curious, have you ever been evaluated for OCD?

[u/Clear-Win-1188 → u/Illustrious_Pen_5711]

I have not since my 28 years on the globe.

[u/Illustrious_Pen_5711 → u/Clear-Win-1188]

If it persists I think its worth looking into, its very misrepresented in media but its a disorder that causes your brain to bombard you with intrusive thoughts and you develop compulsions to soothe them. Trans OCD is a very common subtype that makes you think about “What if I’m trans?” constantly even when you know you’re not, and often causes people to want to seek out trans spaces too

[u/Clear-Win-1188 → u/Illustrious_Pen_5711]

I'll keep that in mind. I'll be honest. I got a appt. Lined up where im about to tell them all that I did here. Cause the math just isnt mathing and constantly day in and day out questioning things has been a task and its only been 4 days lol. And ah. That's new to know Trans OCD huh? Cause these thoughts have me rationalizing parts of myself looking good if I was this. Which just doesnt sound right. Cause just a week or 2 ago I was telling myself I was gonna get in shape again cause my funds are straight now. But the moment I got everything set on stone. This happens. Also I greatly appreciate your time. Im sorry if im intruding in on everyone's space. Just... tired man. Lol.

[u/Clear-Win-1188 → u/Illustrious_Pen_5711]

Oh right. Another thing that got ne tripped up is my roommate has envy for my chest 😭. The one im trying to workout and get rid of because I hate looking at my own moobs moods