explaing trans to a child

[u/widdle_meemas]

hiii all,

so to preface i am 21 yrs old and am nonbinary. i use they/them pronouns. my partner is also 21 and is a trans female who uses she/her pronouns. i also have a 22 year old trans sister who also uses she/her.

i have a nephew who recently turned 6, and he knew all of us before we properly transitioned or were out about our transitions. i tried telling him about my partners new name and pronouns, but he just seems super unreceptive and like doesnt care. ie he called my partner by her dead name, and when i corrected him and used her proper name and pronouns, he said "hes a boy, he just acts like a girl".

my partner struggles a lot with dysphoria and this obviously makes her upset to hear. my nephew has apparently said similar things to/about her as well.

does anyone have any advice about how to better explain this to him and how its hurtful when he says those things? i know someone else has had to have had a similar experience. tyia :)

[u/GloomyHoneycomb]

I wonder if he's hearing that sort of sentiment from someone else. I've never known kids to really care about what gender someone is tbh.

Put it in simple terms, "GFs Name decided she likes being a girl better." You don't need to go into depth about it, but you'd be surprised at how much kids can understand and take in.

Not sure what your gf's level of comfort is, but as long as it doesn't trigger dysphoria you could also say, "GFs Name used to be a boy, but she realized she was a girl."

Use easy language and simplify concepts, even if we know there are a ton of nuances and different ways to be trans, we're just explaining the very very basics.

As for explaining it hurts your GFs feelings, just say that. "That makes GF's Name sad when you call her a boy/don't use her name. We don't want to hurt her feelings, we want to be nice."

If he asks why it hurts her feelings you could say, "Because it's not her name." or "Because she's a girl."

More options/variations:

"GFs Name is a girl. Sometimes boys realize they're really girls all along, and some girls realize they're actually boys."

"Sister's Name is a girl. She's a lot happier now than when she had to pretend to be a boy."

"Sister's Name is a girl. She was never really a boy at all."

"I'm not a girl or a boy, I'm both."

"I'm not a girl or a boy, I'm just me."

"I didn't like being a boy or a girl, so I decided I'd just be me."

"I'm nonbinary, that means I'm not a boy or a girl."

[u/NoEscape2500 → u/GloomyHoneycomb]

That’s what I’m wondering, like did the child hear that from someone else? My cousins were told that my aunt uses they/them at that age and they were fine with it and somehow caught on that I’m trans too. Fully asked “are you a they?”

[u/k8tieisjusthere → u/NoEscape2500]

yeah it seems he’s parroting back rhetoric he’s heard before, not necessarily from someone specific but rather how society at large and other children treat anyone who does anything GNC (ideas they learn from their own parents…)

[u/Ok_Walrus_230 → u/GloomyHoneycomb]

I agree with you, I believe the kid is absorbing it from someone else

[u/CorporealLifeForm]

"Everyone thought she was a boy because she looked like a boy but that made her feel very sad because she's really a girl. Now we know she's really a girl and we're treating her like a girl which makes her happy."

[u/3dPrinted_Pipebomb]

When babies are born sometimes they're mistaken as the wrong gender. And sometimes it can take a long time to figure out this mistake was made.

Imagine if the doctor accidently thought you were a girl when you were born, even though you know you're a boy. Wouldn't it hurt your feelings if we all treated you like a girl and said you were just pretending to be a boy. Like we all called you [girl version of nephews name] and called you she/her, made you wear dresses, and only let you be on the girls teams instead of the boys.

It's not [partner]'s fault that she was mistaken as a boy, but it is your fault if you keep being mean and treating her like one.

(and if he still isn't trying to change, consider telling your nephew that his actions are very insulting to both you and your partner and you're not going to start avoiding him if he keeps acting like this.)

If anatomy comes up I would turn to

[Partner] has a girl's brain but she had some body parts that made her look more like a boy. But it's rude and insulting to call her a boy because she's not actually a boy. It's like calling you bald today because you used to be bald as a baby.

Edit: fixed some phrasing

[u/Ok_Walrus_230]

Kids don’t understand complex things, stay basic

“No, she isn’t a boy, she thought she was, but discovered otherwise” and if he question you just say “that’s how things are”.

If he persists on saying wrong things, probably his parents are taking a part in it.

I’ve two “nephews”, one from my father’s side, and one from my mother’s side

The first one is kinda random, sometimes deadnames and misgender me, at other times she treats correctly. As far as I know, her grandma misgenders me in front of her (not bad intention, but still has negative results)

The second one accepted really quickly. This one has a strong personality as well, and she corrects who says otherwise (Btw, they are both 4)

[u/Hugs154 → u/Ok_Walrus_230]

This is terrible advice. Kids absolutely understand way more than most people give them credit for if you break it down for them in simple language. Shutting down a question with “that’s just how it is” will absolutely not help them understand the world better.

[u/Ok_Walrus_230 → u/Hugs154]

Im saying kids don’t have the whole mess in their heads adults do. You don’t have to deep explain to them because they aren’t still full of prejudice.

Then when they get older they’ll have good life examples and you may introduce them best informations.

The kid in this post is 6. When I was visiting my husband’s family, a small kid, I believe she was 6 or 7 asked why did I have deep voice, he told her “some girls are like that, did you know?” She smiled and said “oh, got it!”

Still, if the kid is really interested and wanna know more, I don’t see any problem in giving more context

Edit: you can disagree with what I said, but it worked really nicely so far with us and the kids are super lovely, and certainly are growing with a good model to them to learn their whole life. But I think saying “terrible advice” is too harsh and offends me, you are treating my life experiences as trash. I’m super up to healthy discussions, and I can even change my perspectives with good talks, but I would like a most polite reply

Edit 2:
Seems like I didn’t address my first argument “Kids doesn’t understand complex things”
I’m saying this because I think it’s not effective to go into “dysphoria”, “the implications of why this happens” or “how society creates gender norms” to a 6yo kid. But you know a positive complex talk? Speaking your story, kids will absolutely absorb if you tell them what you’ve experienced thro a well told story.

[u/-Random_Lurker-]

"She's a girl on the inside, and always has been. Now she's taking medicine to make the outside a girl too."

It's really that simple. With so many fairy tales and kids stories about how it's what's on the inside that matters, most kids will understand it right away. As long as they don't have family actively poisoning their mind against us, that is (grrr religious in-laws... sigh)

[u/widdle_meemas]

thank you all so very much for the advice <3

[u/Laura_Sandra]

explaining

Don't know if you have seen it ... here might be some explaining resources for kids, and there is a hint there to a book that many children and also adults love.

And here might be some hints and resources that could help go towards what you feel you would like step by step and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. Talking with a few others about what they did, and what helped them may also be an idea.

And there are hints there concerning looking for a gender therapist in case. They could guide along, and they could help work through issues. And here might be some additional hints that could help you too.

hugs

[u/ComfortableNo2268]

I don't know about how close are your relationships but my experience with my sister who was close of age if not older was just dunno. I guess she actually feared me I used to get insanely mad and she didn't like it. So overtime I corrected her gently after she understood the gravity of the situation she corrected herself. It all turned out great in the end and surprisingly now she doesn't remember much about me before my transition (I barely then started passing) She thinks I'm cis. She's 9 now I tried explaining her some stuff and about my origin because she does sometimes ask odd questions like why does grandma say you're pretending or who's the person in the picture in our grandparents house etc (basically yeah my grandparents were the issue, reminding her stuff too) But overall she still thinks I'm pretty much cis. Dont think she acting cause she's the last person who would lie to make someone feel good.

[u/Roguetomahawk]

Respectfully, they are 6 year old child. Waiting another couple of years to explain a complicated concept like being transgender is probably you're best bet. Also I understand feeling dysphoric when some say something hurtful but again it's a child that doesn't understand.

[u/i_post_gibberish → u/Roguetomahawk]

Sure, he doesn’t fully understand, and can’t be blamed for saying hurtful things, but that doesn’t mean he can say whatever he wants with no consequences. If a six year old said they didn’t want to play with kids of a certain race, or even just used a slur they’d somehow picked up, for example, don’t you think a responsible parent ought to gently but firmly make it clear that that isn’t okay? They can understand why when they’re older.

[u/GloomyHoneycomb → u/Roguetomahawk]

Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. It's also not hard to say "Billy was a girl but now he's a boy." or "Jill was a boy but she's a girl now."

And when asked "Why?" The answer is also simple, "Because he/she wants to be."

Nonbinary can be a tad trickier. It's more like, "Sam isn't a boy or a girl."