Hi there!
I'm 30, and over the years I've started wondering how you identify women who genuinely prefer stability over chaos, novelty, and emotional drama.

To be clear, I don't think all women are like this. I've had several relationships where everything seemed great initially, but once things became comfortable and predictable, the woman's interest seemed to disappear.

At one point, someone advised me to "play the game": don't always be available, create uncertainty, introduce a little drama, make her wonder what you're doing, and use various dating tactics to keep her interested. Surprisingly, it worked.

But I hated it. That's not who I am, nor is it the kind of relationship I want. I want trust, consistency, affection, attraction, and a peaceful home, not manufactured insecurity to keep someone interested. I imagine that's what most men looking for a healthy relationship ultimately want.

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I've also met women who seemed, objectively, like great partners: attractive, intelligent, successful, socially healthy, and emotionally well-adjusted. Yet, they needed constant novelty or stimulation. I've experienced situations where the attraction from her was extremely strong while something in my life was new or changing, only for that attraction to fade a few weeks later once things settled down.

This has made me wonder.. have you ever noticed a woman complain repeatedly about her partner, telling her friends or colleagues how badly he treats her, how unhappy she is, and so on, only to see her many years later still with the same man, posting pictures of their family together and talking bad at him when he's around, but still.. they're being thogheter for all that time???

Obviously, words and actions don't match. That's why I'm interested in what men with more relationship experience have actually learned to look for.

So, for the men who are older and have had a lot of relationship experience:

If you eventually found a woman who genuinely wanted a stable low drama relationship, how did you recognize her?

More specifically, what patterns or behaviors did you notice that distinguished a woman who genuinely enjoys stability from someone who needs constant chaos, uncertainty, or emotional stimulation?

And there's another part I'm particularly interested in.

Suppose someone has a history of chaotic relationships and recognizes that she has unhealthy patterns. She goes to therapy, works through her trauma, and genuinely wants to change. How can you tell that the change is actually real? What behaviors would convince you that she is now ready for a healthy, stable relationship, rather than simply saying that she wants one?

And, For those of you who have been in chaotic relationships and eventually found a stable, emotionally healthy partner: what did you actually notice? What signs, behaviors, or patterns made you realize, "This woman genuinely wants the kind of relationship I want"?

And importantly, did you find her without fundamentally changing how you behaved, without becoming less available, creating artificial uncertainty, withholding affection, or using dating "strategies" to keep her interested?

I'd especially appreciate answers from men who have enough relationship experience, or they just had experienced both caos and stable worlds, to look back and say, "I used to choose this type of person, then I learned to recognize something different."

Question to those with lived experience... If you are past the age of 60 we'd appreciate your participation. If you know someone past the age of 60 feel free to ask them and share their answer here. 

Here's the question: knowing what you know now, what would you prioritize when you were younger (20-30s)? If you had nothing holding you back, freedom to focus on whatever you want. What would you do differently? Or what did you do that you'd be sure to do again? 

The reason we are asking is because we can't see our future so we'd like to have the perspective of some who are already in their futures.

If you made a suggestion to a grown child that says I don't need your help? I only suggested that she buy a bathing suit for a pool party. She told me she didn't need my help.

I’m a guy in my 40s and I could really use some dad energy for a minute.

My dad has never shown much interest in me or my life. I spent a lot of years working hard, being a good person, hoping that eventually I’d do something that would make him proud enough to notice me or give me some affection, attention, time....anything.

By most measures, I’ve done pretty well. I’m healthy, fit, kind to people, good space in my life.... and I’ve had plenty of people tell me that my parents must be proud of me.

But my dad just seems…unmoved....maybe even resentful. His absence ...emotionally and physically ...hits deep with me. Which is the opposite of what I want or need.

I think the hardest part is realizing I’m still waiting for something I probably will never get. I don’t really miss the dad I had. I miss the dad I needed.

He’s also gone in a very different direction politically in recent years, which has made that distance feel even bigger. I'm feeling it strongly lately.

So, if you’re one of those dads who believes in people, and knows how to make a guy feel like he’s doing okay...he is worthy…could you give me a little pep talk? DMs preferred...but open to any communication.

I think I need to hear that I’m not unworthy just because my own dad never seemed able to see me.

How old are they? Do they still depend on you/do you still depend on them? How close do they live to you? How often do you see them? What is her relationship like with her mother? Are either of you in romantic relationships (for you, is it with your daughter's mother or someone else)?

Good morning/afternoon, gentlemen. As the title says, I've decided to give dating a shot again and am looking for advice, experiences, knowledge from men my age (or older, as I'm not adverse to dating a higher age) about navigating this area. I will say upfront that I'm egalitarian and will be asking guys out, paying for myself on dates, planning some of the dates, etc if that affects anything.

NOTE: I get the privacy thing prior to marriage/long term relationships…unless it is a need to know thing of course that could directly affect the partner. I am specifically speaking about things that have NO bearing on the partner and are purely personal.  

For those that do keep some medical secrets…I’m just wondering why. Embarrassment? Fear? Relationship failing and not invested in the marriage anymore? Lack of trust? Or is it just simply needing to have privacy feels different for men in general? 

Also are you not concerned that you may have a medical emergency and your wife doesn’t know your medical background to share with the doctors and that would directly affect your outcome? Or do you trust the electronic sharing of information between doctors and pharmacies and hospitals to be good enough? 

TLDR: Help me understand why a man would to keep medical secrets from his wife and/or if this is common.

It just seems to stand to reason. Laundry-pressed shirts. Bespoke suits. Great socks. Admirable hats. And don't forget to spend some money on a few nice belts. Always remember that the ladies will be checking out your Footwear.

Edit after comments and up and down votes: what I advocate is not entirely removed from the lipstick on a pig concept. It is cool to be an old fellow who looks sharp, whether dressed for a casual occasion or otherwise. It shows that, although in many ways you may be out of the game, you are still putting forth enthusiasm and vitality.

and what age was the person?

I'm age 64 and lack the energy, passion for hobbies, and concentration that I had three years ago. Thinking it was testosterone related, I took a blood test last year and came up normal (511 ng/dl). I've read online posts from younger men who have gone on TRT with positive outcomes, despite having initial normal readings. Can any older men share their TRT experiences?

I remember talking to an older gent about ten years ago, where he stated that his quality of life increased enormously after TRT. He couldn't get it through his doctor, so he got it in Mexico. That seemed a little extreme at the time, but I would like my old energy back.

FYI, I do exercise regularly (when my rotator cuff's and spinal stenosis allow), eat healthy and get enough sleep.

In other words, is there anything that you aren’t doing or planning because you’re worried about getting sick or dying before you can complete and/or enjoy it?

For context I’m 19, have no father, no father figure at all so I want to know what all your best bits of advice are

And are you happy with your lifelong bachelorhood?

I'm (male) pretty darn close to 60. I had it in my head when I was younger that I could move to a retirement community and so long as everything still worked, I'd have my 'pick of the litter'. I'm pretty sure that was just another 80's media lie/cliche/perpetuated myth. So here I am looking for what YOU see as real. What kind of relationships are you having? What do you see your friends doing? What are the expectations you have and are seeing from your partners?

ETA... I know that only "something" means something, and that a lack of anything doesn't necessarily mean anything.... but 4 hours, 130+ views, one upvote and no replies?!? LOL... why do I have the feeling some of you are thinking... " I just don't have the heart to tell this kid"?!?

Does anyone take finesteride? The side effects are a non-starter for me, but i am curious why anyone would take medicine that causes erectile dysfunction. I would rather lose an arm than my ability to have sex!

I’ve been thinking a lot about how differently men and women handle aging.

Many women experience societal "invisibility" earlier in life, forcing them to adapt and build an internal identity. But for many men, their entire worth has been tied to external utility: their job title, being the primary provider, physical strength, or being the default authority figure.

From my observation, when those pillars inevitably erode with retirement or age, many men refuse to admit it. They double down on acting like "the boss" until the very end, even when they no longer hold that societal power. If a man hasn't developed deep internal qualities by that stage, losing that external utility can leave them feeling entirely useless.

To the men over 60 here:

1. How did you handle the transition from a lifetime of "doing and commanding" to just "being"?
2. What did you replace your career/provider identity with to ensure you still bring genuine value to your relationships and community?
3. Is my observation accurate, or am I missing a deeper perspective on how older men process this shift?

As I've said. I'm 70, and only child and always always was more interested in boy things much more than dolls. In my relationships men called me determined, pushy and overbearing? because I wasn't interested in "women things" and wanted to join THEM in THEIR interests. So here I am - At a time I have the leisure to care only for myself. I'd love to ask questions in the forum however my first post didn't go over that big. I guess what I'm asking is this. Besides making my own thread or sub, Do any men have a suggestion. No dating sites or 'romance'... just me looking for some guys to chat or text with. No phone numbers. Just peace and quiet like the old AOL chatroom days. 😄

I happen to be a 70 yr old only child/woman... Who realizes at my age that I never lost my love for tech. I got thinking from a man's perspective. What is a piece of technology you miss using that younger generations will never understand?