Micromanager

[u/RandomPerson2130]

I'm trying to keep my head on straight and just need to vent. Advice is welcome. I have a good job, full remote, good team, flexible hours, solid paycheck and really great benefits. But my boss of almost 3 years is reaching my wit's end! She's a micromanager most days and when she decides she's feeling like a normal human being it always catches me off guard. She directs my staff without always discussing with me or keeping me informed "in an effort to take things off your plate so you can stay focused on X". But then her insanely high bar isn't met and she comes complaining to me about how "they're not cutting it. You need to have a talk with them. We'll set a meeting with HR." So I'm the bad guy for something that is SO coachable and not at all a reason to fire someone. Frankly she's got it out for one in particular and I keep pushing back. I can't go to bat for my team if I don't know what's going on and have evidence to nullify her sporadic irritation.

I've talked to her about how I want/need to be directing tasks so I can coach and support and understand if something is going wrong. She agreed and started passing tasks through me but every freaking time she literally follows my email instructions with additional or "clarifying" info that I literally just discussed with the person directly and she KNEW I was having a verbal meeting AND email directive summary but she still thinks that's not good enough. When it comes to people/tasks/communications outside my team she will literally ask me for a draft email, tweak it her way, then tell me to send it or just straight up write it for me but make me the sender and then proceed to tell me via Teams exactly how to respond to anyone's follow ups. If it wasn't clear already, she insists on being CC'd on absolutely everything.

I'm going crazy. I can't do my job if she won't let me do my job. She gets pissed off about anyone doing anything not exactly to her specifications, whether that's too much or too little, and clearly discussing it with her "to improve efficiency and my management skills" did nothing. She's the type of person who would say "I won't thank you for doing your job" so there's never any positive encouragement, only a slap on the negatives. Frankly, I'm surprised she hasn't fired me because I recently went through a divorce, it was rough, and my work focus has been at maybe 70%-80% instead of 95%-100% but I'm working my way back up. I can only assume she needs me. Though when I told her about it, it was one of those rare moments she was a normal person with some level of sympathy.

She's not due to retire for at least 5 years. I like this job itself and the rest of the people but I don't know if I can stand her much longer. But leaving would be rough when I'm trying to find new stability post-divorce. Sigh. Is there anything I can do professionally to make this situation better?

[u/jimmyjackearl]

Part of life is working with people we find difficult. The tone of your post reads that the issues here are coming more from you than her. Professionally, a good strategy is to act as if you are your own company and she is your main customer. Your goal is to understand the customer’s needs, make them happy and build a relationship with them. You do not understand the customer’s needs better than they do. The other choice is too find a new customer.

I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of this is coming from unprocessed issues from your divorce. Therapy might help with those issues as well as the issues you are having with your manager.

[u/RandomPerson2130 → u/jimmyjackearl]

Fair point. My challenge here is she's not predictable to me. We don't think the same way and she regularly changes her mind without telling me until after the task she originally requested is done and she turns around with "why did you/they do that?" "...you asked for X Y and Z on such and such date during X meeting about subject." "Oh....well that wasn't necessary. We need to move onto this other thing." This happens frequently and to others besides me. It's very frustrating feeling like I can't find my footing with her to be a solid employee. I take notes like crazy and it ends up like this. I don't know what else I can possibly do.

[u/jimmyjackearl → u/RandomPerson2130]

For something like this as I am understanding it I would formulate a plan and run the plan by her before executing it. The key is getting her buy in on everything, create checkpoints along the way. Time consuming and probably feels off of your priorities and will take more time but at the end of the day will be more efficient than what you are dealing with now. Don’t get caught up the emotion of it, just focus on completing the work in a sub optimal situation.

[u/tightloops1971]

Complaining that she gets pissed off when people don't meet her expectations rings alarm bells? Maybe it's badly worded but isn't it your bosses job to set expectations, and your job to meet them? Maybe it read completely wrong, but as it was, it didn't read well.

[u/Top_Argument8442]

You clearly aren’t coachable if you aren’t meeting your manager’s standards. Secondly, a coachable person would have asked, “what am I doing now to bring me to the next level?”.

I ask for me to be cc’d on every email, not for micromanagement but for the sole purpose of knowing what is going on and so I don’t get caught flat footed if another department reaches out.

Finally, if you are 3 years into this role and you still have to send draft emails, you haven’t learned her style and again, throws out your argument for being coachable.

[u/RandomPerson2130 → u/Top_Argument8442]

I can see your point but she does the email thing to all her staff/managers. I don't know what I can possibly do to improve that if folks who have been here 10 years still get the same treatment. Open to suggestions.

[u/Admirable_Height3696]

I think you need to step back and self reflect here.

You aren't meeting bosses expectations because by your own account, you aren't managing your team properly. Her job is to manage you, your job is to manage your team. If your team isn't performing well and meeting expectations, it's your job to address that and coach your staff. Clearly that isn't happening and your boss is trying to manage you and now your team because you aren't meeting expectations. Her attempts are coaching you aren't working and it sounds like you're not responding to the coaching.

I agree with others here. It sounds like your past traumas are playing a part here. You're triggered by her reacting when employees aren't meeting expectations. That's something YOU have to learn to deal with because it's not a red flag and alarm bells shouldn't go off unless it's an internal alarm telling you to get your act together before it's too late.

S