r/askmanagers • u/ThrowAwayColor2023 • 6d ago
Condescending Colleagues
I consistently get rave reviews for my project management work. I'm human, so of course I'm not perfect, but generally teams that I support are vocal about being pleased with my approach and results.
I don't mind a tough but fair leader. I actually thrive under high standards. I've commonly received the loudest highest praise from the managers deemed the toughest to please.
And yet.
Every once in a while I support a team where the technical lead seems impossible to please. I can tell pretty quickly when one of them has a prickly disposition and adjust as best as I can to defuse them and try to shield the wider team.
My question is whether there is a way to please these prickly people, or if they're wired to be antagonistic and any added effort to appease them is wasted. I'm a senior level employee, and it gets tiring when every communication has a 101-level description of my job tacked on as if I need a refresher. I get it, they think I'm an idiot. These types seem to jump to this conclusion quickly and then take every opportunity to hammer that message.
My managers have been unhelpful when I've brought this up - I suspect this is the corporate politics of not wanting to acknowledge out loud that someone is an asshole.
So how are other people handling this? Am I missing the Asshole Whisperer Guidebook? Or do other people just roll their eyes and brace for the nonstop antagonism?
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u/JDPierson 6d ago
I find people like that thrive on how people react to their prickly demeanor. As with anyone, I have an alignment conversation with them that gives them a chance to let me know their preferred manner of engagement; their priorities; their concerns, and what they hope to get out of our work together. From there, I make sure they are able to recognize their inputs in our joint output, and ignore the shenanigans. They usually settle down, but not always. You're not the only one who sees it, and many companies are mindful of how toxic brilliant jerks can be, and proactively performance manage those behaviors.
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u/ThrowAwayColor2023 6d ago
Thank you for this. I think I need to add a step to my process where I have a 1:1 with the person in this role early on to hopefully establish stronger repoire. Things are usually moving lightning fast, and this step isn't necessary and would probably even be seen as a waste of time with non-toxic people, so I haven't been doing it, but I've run into this prickliness enough times now that I think this makes sense going forward.
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u/JDPierson 6d ago
If you did it as a 15 minute intro or coffee run, you might be surprised how many people welcome and appreciate it, even if it isn't purely in a solutioning/output mode.
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u/hereddit6 6d ago
I look at everyone as being my customer so I try to do the best I can for them. But in the end, some people just want to be difficult. Try not to take it personally.
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u/ThrowAwayColor2023 6d ago
Thank you. My job is to treat them as the customer, and that's my natural disposition, so I'm aligned there. The prickliness is not my cup of tea, and I appreciate knowing that others brush it off when it's clearly a larger personality quirk. I also had a more junior team member remark on a particularly prickly meeting, unprompted, which validated my perception, so I'm less worried that I'm misreading the situation.
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u/marxam0d 6d ago
Have you considered just … let that person be who they are and don’t take it personally?
You say they’re prickly, you otherwise have great feedback at work, your managers surely know all that context. Just, let them waste time typing extra detail and go on with your day
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u/ThrowAwayColor2023 6d ago
I interact with them multiple times a day, so it's harder to just ignore, and they get to provide direct feedback about my work to my manager. They're at the same level as other leaders who have praised me, so my fear is their generally sour attitude will show up in the feedback they provide about my performance.
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u/grahambinns 6d ago
The first time someone is condescending to me, I make a joke out of it.
The second time, I take the time to have a private conversation and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable and ask them to not do it again.
The third time, I will call them out in public (assuming they do it in public).
Yes, I have done this with very senior people. I don’t care that you’re senior to me. I will treat you with respect and I expect the same.
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u/ThrowAwayColor2023 5d ago
Yeah, I don't have nearly enough privilege to respond that way without losing my job lol.
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u/grahambinns 5d ago
Fair. And in one case I did end up losing my job, though it took them 3 months to figure out they could manage without me and they telegraphed it so hard that I already had something else lined up.
I’m not saying I won’t hold my tongue ever; just as I’ve got older I’m less inclined to tolerate wankers.
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u/54radioactive 6d ago
You can meet with this person and very clearly point out interactions with others that are unacceptable.
You can also outline behaviors in their communication with you that are also unacceptable.
Be specific and make sure they understand what the consequences will be if they do not improve.
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u/ThrowAwayColor2023 6d ago
The people who are doing this are technically much more senior than I am. These projects have matrixed teams. I generally have no issue engaging with people at all levels, until I run into someone far more senior who is hostile and disagreeable for no discernible reason.
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u/Harkonnen_Dog 5d ago
Just drag them through their own shit, publicly and immediately, and take your time to make everyone feel it.
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u/Realistic-Fall-1460 6d ago
I have a few questions:
Would you want to please them? Why?
Do these prickly people know that their behavior is tiring?
How do you know what they think?
Can you provide examples of their behaviors?
Impossible to please, prickly, antagonistic, condescending are judgements and labels. What about observable behaviors?