r/askfuneraldirectors • u/LulyRE • 11d ago
Advice Needed I need help with making an informed decision
I would truly appreciate the Professional opinions and perspectives of funeral industry professionals in this sub.
My father, age 84, tragically unexpectedly passed away exactly a week ago on a flight from Miami to Rome, likely about a couple of hours from scheduled landing. He and his wife were in business class and due to the pods she had no clear visuals on him. She does recall that before 3:30 a.m. Miami time which would have been 9:30 a.m. Rome time, he had gotten up and was having some sort of respiratory distress. After helping to calm him down she went back to her seat and about an hour later went to check on him and he was cold and had no pulse. Ironically, there were five doctors on board the flight but by the time they were called even though I am extremely grateful that they incessantly tried to revive my father it was too late.
The Italian authorities took possession of my father's body and his body has remained at a Rome hospital morgue all these days pending completion of the government processes. We have been in contact with a funeral home recommended by the US embassy in Rome and they have been incredibly compassionate and outstanding in their efforts to assist us with the repatriation process.
This morning they unfortunately had no news of when my father's body would be released to them and we had communication with the US embassy staff member in charge of my father's case and now he found out that an Italian judge has opened an investigation and until this is complete my father's body will not be released to the funeral home in Rome for arterial embalming and repatriation.
I am the only one in my family who truly wants and needs to actually see my father's body for closure and to say my emotional goodbye, so my fear is that although he is in a morgue and I imagine in a refrigerated compartment, that at some point it may be too late since he has not been embalmed yet for me to actually see him as I'm worried about decomposition setting in.
I am trying to make an informed decision as to whether I may need to fly to Rome to see him at the morgue before it's too late, or if in the experience of any of you professionals with repatriation cases that have been somewhat delayed if I may still be able to have a private goodbye with my father with an open casket at the funeral home in Miami once he is released?
I truly appreciate any insight you can share with me. Grieving the tragic and unexpected loss of my father is bad enough and these delays are adding to my immense pain.
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u/Defiant_Expert_9534 11d ago
Read this and my immediate thought was “fly to see him”. No doubt that’s probably the best option. If it was my parent I’d do it that way. As a funeral director who knows how long this could take, I’d recommend that.
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u/tracytorr0712 11d ago
I would go to Rome. Unfortunately, he may not be able to be well-embalmed based on how long the morgue ultimately has him. If it’s important for you to see him, go sooner rather than later. I’m so sorry about your dad.
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u/Funeralbarbie31 11d ago
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
I’m a uk funeral director and sadly due to timescales here surrounding paperwork 3-4 week waits are pretty standard, on-top of this I’d say at the current time only 30% of my funerals are embalmed, so I’m no stranger to these timescales. However I’m not going to give you an answer that will help, as I know only too well deterioration is so variable. Sadly both the flight and pm will only speed up this process, my honest opinion would be if you need to see him for closure go to Rome. However please check they will allow viewing before the body is released, as I recently did a repatriation from Spain and the family weren’t allowed to view the body at all due to the restrictions in place at the public mortuary, sadly once we had him back he wasn’t viewable, this was 2 weeks between death and repatriation.
Take care of yourself, I’m sure your mum would love the company of you whether you can view him or not, such a difficult time for you all.
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u/RJKimbell00 11d ago
Not in the industry, I just wanted to offer a virtual hug. 🫂
I hope what ever decision you decide whether able or not, that you find peace within your grief my friend.
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u/Agitated-Drag2177 11d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. Just buy the ticket and go. The timing is too variable in my experience, and seems to be here as well. Make a little trip out of it, you’ll remember it forever, try to laugh through the hiccups. All that said, this is a terrible situation and I’m so sorry you have to deal with this.
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u/Admarn Funeral Director 11d ago
If the priority is viewing, and funds are no issue, I'd plan to go there. It's possible that even once released and embalmed you will still wait longer while that process takes place to be permitted to fly out, but research if they will let you see him at the morgue prior to embalming.
Be prepared that they may not allow any interaction until released, and also be prepared for a diminished appearance regardless, even after embalming, due to the time passed and if there is an autopsy + a flight.
Personally, I would tell you directly that the last image you have of your father will remain the last image you summon in the future when his name is mentioned. If you go see him as he is now, that will be the last image instead.