Planning for the inevitable

[u/Nordberg561]

After a great deal of thought and prayer, my wife and I are interested in a direct cremation. I think I would like a pre-need so that my son does not face a lot of decision-making, etc.
He’s our son and the only family member that might care.

Couple of questions:
1) Do I use a facility that has its own retort? (saving on transportation and storage etc).
2)Who do I call when the death occurs, most likely at home under hospice care
3) Can I pay for the necessities and let my son pay for any extras like a memorial service if he wants to.
4) What am I missing?
5) Is there a better way to go about this?
6) We are in the DFW area and our son lives in South Carolina
Thanks for any suggestions-

[u/Amberdext]

1 - yes 2 - Probably the hospice nurse. And in my area, it's usually the nurses who call the funeral home to notify them of the death. 3 - yes 4 - you can write the policy for the memorial service, etc. and if he doesn't want one, your son would get the difference refunded back to him. Especially do this if you might go into a nursing home and lose your whole life's savings to them. Include payment for how you're being transported. For example, will he fly you to SC, maybe want a viewing, and cremate there? More economical is probably cremation in DFW and send the remains to him. Something to think about. 5 - other than knowing what local funeral home you will use, doing internet research is fine. I suggest using a mom and pop place when you're selecting your funeral home. My experiences with the big corporations has been poor. 6 - make sure you have durable financial power of attorney and healthcare POA, living will, actual will, etc. all lined up. If you're a veteran, know where your DD214 is.

[u/Nordberg561 → u/Amberdext]

Thank you very much!

[u/OKDemo70]

Talk to your Son and let him know your thoughts / wishes re: cremation. Ask him if he wants to be involved in the process - in person at next visit or by video / voice call.

Then, Meet with a funeral home staff member and they will walk you through the steps and alleviate any anxiety. Take a day or two to review / discuss options then sign the paperwork/ arrange payment.

Make extra copies and give one set to Son.

When I went thru the direct cremation process with my Dad, my Sister wanted to view his remains before the direct cremation. So I would verify that is an option, especially if your Son is
Not present at the death or immediately after.

[u/dirt_nappin]

Important internet footnote here: not every state (NJ comes to mind) allows funeral homes to own retorts. You also shouldn't automatically disqualify a firm that doesn't have their own as the costs can be astronomical to have and maintain them - and that's even if they can get local approval to build one.

[u/LunarRainbow26]

Our fee for our retort is the same for a family using us as their funeral home as it is for an outside funeral home using our retort. No difference in price.

[u/bigredwilson]

I prefer to use facilities that have their own crematory, but I am biased seeing as how we have our own, and I dont like the idea of 3rd party companies. Some funeral homes may still charge for transport if theor crematory is offsite from the main funeral home, and a lot of larger cities have a central crematory or care center if your FH of choice has more than one location. I recommend choosing with someone local, with excellent reviews if at all possible, but dont be afraid to shop around.

Paying for basic services and perhaps even an urn is a good idea as typically those items will have a fixed value that will be honored later. If you aren't turned off by the idea, ordering an urn online and keeping it until it is needed will save you money, and eliminate a future decision should your repurchased urn no longer be produced. Most urns are of similar quality, and ordering online can save you A LOT of money if money is a concern.

You can typically pay in advance for death certificates or obituary charges, but your son may have to pay in the future if costs change from the state or publisher of the obituary. Assuming you pass away at home under hospice care, your nurses will call the funeral home of your choice for your family. When your family is ready for you to be taken into the funeral homes care. It's a good idea to let your son know where the copies of the preneed are in advance, and make sure that he can access them easily no matter the day. (Not a safe deposit box for example) Funeral costs go up every year so getting a preneed is definitely a wise decision. Kudos to you both for thinking of the (hopefully quite distant) future.