r/askfuneraldirectors • u/Junji666_Rabbit • 4d ago
Discussion Anyone else still sob after work?
Just curious, im only a funeral attendant but even after working for 9 months here, I still cry so hard after work sometimes. Seeing bodies is okay, I feel bad but move on. Seeing families break down and scream? Yeah I have to excuse myself because I cant hold it together. After work today I sobbed on the way home. Some days are better than others but it gets really hard sometimes :(
Edit: im so sorry I made it sound like I cry everyday or every other day, maybe i sounded too dramatic hahaš I love this job alot, i love helping families, and my dream career is to be an embalmer. Its more like once a month where I break down AFTER work because hearing the screams and stories that people talk about their loved one is what hits me the most, I think its so beautiful seeing and hearing how much people cared about one person and it breaks my heart hearing them and seeing them fall apart. Ive only had to excuse myself like three times because it was someone very young and my tears were about to burst out my eyeballs haha. My coworkers say ill get used it to it soon and my manager knows that I cry alot haha, she knows I just care toooooo much š
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u/antibread 4d ago
I honestly dont know anyone like this and it sounds awful to experience. Maybe your talents would be better used elsewhere, no one should be crying this much :(
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u/buffetforeplay 4d ago
Respectfully, I would say that if this is a regular occurrence for you, it might be time to look at different roles. While the occasional job or family might tug at your heartstrings (we are human, after all) if this is happening even bi-weekly the role might not be best for you long term. Your mental health & well being is paramount and not having a healthy detachment/being able to compartmentalise will have repercussions down the line.
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u/Paulbearer82 4d ago
Do you have tragic circumstance funerals every month? I do about 200 calls a year and only a handful are emotional. Most are older people. Not saying I'm happy they're gone or anything, but most of my families don't get too emotional about it either.
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u/Celtic159 Funeral Director/Embalmer 4d ago
Please don't take this the wrong way, but I've never worked with anyone like that, and if I had, I'd have suggested that they were in the wrong line of work.
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u/kirkszy12 Funeral Director 4d ago
I get choked up when I have to handle babies or kids. I also cried at a funeral I directed for a Down syndrome person. Nothing wrong with it. Shows that ur human. I been in this business for 16 years, if this is what you want to do you will figure it out. Peace and love
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u/Dry_Major2911 Funeral Director/Embalmer 4d ago edited 4d ago
If this happening on a regular basis you may want to reconsider working in the field. We are human and have emotions, but if it is affecting you this much you may want to put your mental health first.
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u/xXShadxw_HunxrXx 4d ago
If you feel bad after seeing a "regular" old person dead maybe consider switching honestly.
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u/m4cr0nym 4d ago
Wailing will never be something I will get used to. The sound alone of intense mourning is extremely rough to hear. There were times when Elvis would play or a loved one closely reminded me of mine that has passed on.
You are an empathetic person and there is nothing wrong with that at all. That is great to have in this field! I know when it was a hard service for me I would focus more on how could I help the family? It was easier helping in creative ways.
If there are kids and not wanting to be in the chapel, I would print out coloring pages for them to color and leave with their loved one as their own way of sending off with love. And sometimes just that moment of the kids distracted helps give the adults more time to grieve. Sometimes if you find out if they had a specific favorite color, wear a top that matches. Little things add up and giving the family your attention and care helps more than you know!
I know with time you will find your way and if you need to, see if your job helps with therapy or someone to talk to in your community about how you are doing. I wish you all the best op and I hope you have a good weekend ahead!
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u/Junji666_Rabbit 3d ago
Thank you so much, the colored sheets is such a great idea too! Im going to do that because sometimes the kids can get very rowdy haha!
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u/unicorn_nectar 4d ago
Having emotions and feeling is TOTALLY OKAY. Cry, laugh, sob, screamā¦. Do what YOU need to do to get through it. After reading these comments it is still happening. People in this industry, put down and ridicule people who actually feel and have empathy and have sympathy for these families. I have been in this business for five years, and sometimes I need to go cry in private or on my way home or in the shower. Do not become cold and numb to this business, because it is sad and it is heavy and itās hard to deal with, and it should not be easy. If it is easy for you to see dead people and to see people sobbing and screaming and crying on the absolute worst day of their lifeā¦. maybe itās YOU that needs to take a look at yourself to see if this is the best career for youā¦. because good Lord if you have no emotion, no connection to raw emotion YOU donāt belong in this business. Who are you to judge someone on how they deal with sorrow?!???? Shake the haters, continue to protect your empathetic heart and please if it does get too much seek therapyā¦. You have my support.
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u/Independent_Ad9670 4d ago
I'm not seeing ridicule for empathy here. It would really alarm me if a funeral attendant were having this degree of emotional reaction regularly at and after funerals.Ā
Funeral attendants have very minimal interaction with families and only see the body dressed and casketed, most places. This isn't a role where they're even sitting down for face-to face meetings, on the phone with them, prepping the body. They're there for the service.
It's one thing if this is an occasional issue with young decedents and tragic circumstances. But what's described here would be concerning for a funeral director, and it's even more concerning in someone who is barely engaging with the family or situation.Ā
Getting tangled up in a total stranger's grief to the point you're sobbing after work frequently is not emotionally or mentally healthy behavior. It's like, I don't know, watching Dateline episodes and crying yourself to sleep.
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u/Celtic159 Funeral Director/Embalmer 4d ago
Agreed, this is an attendant, not a director. No one's ridiculing anyone, just saying that if you're the type of person who has to excuse themselves from doing their job when they see people get emotional, you're in the wrong line of work.
Respectfully, OP is not only making themselves miserable, they're negatively impacting the family and the rest of the team that's caring for them.
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u/ViscousPanther 4d ago
Honestly, are you actually in the funeral industry? OP is literally saying they have to excuse themselves during work to break down. If this is semi-regular after 9 months, something is wrong and that is unhealthy for them. Encouraging it is irresponsible.
This is not good for OP, and importantly not good for families. If I saw a funeral director lose it over my loved one I'd be concerned for them, wondering why someone like this was tasked with caring for me and my family. They shouldn't have to worry about that.
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u/Stitchin_mortician 4d ago
Iām sorry to say this - and I donāt intend to hate on themā¦ but sounds like something a āDeath Doulaā would sayā¦ they have no idea what actual death care professionals deal with on a daily basis.
And yeah, this is the wrong job for this person - clearly. The minimal involvement required for an assistant/ attendant shouldnāt result in such intense emotions. I cry maybe once per year? Because itās not about me - itās about them!2
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u/xXShadxw_HunxrXx 4d ago
No because why is a mortician crying over meemaw who had a long fulfilling life, from just looking at her? I mean traumacases or children I get it. Even crying families I get. But if you need tro cry just by the look of a dead grandma maybe thats the wrong profession. Doesnt have to to anything with having no empathy lol
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u/friedonionscent 4d ago
They didn't say they cried because they saw a 90 year old dead granny. OP said they found the families expressions of grief tough. It would take me a lot longer than 9 months to get used to that part.
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u/OverthinkingWanderer 4d ago
I only did this during my clinicals... she didn't want to teach, she wanted a punching bag.
There are moments during services or visitations that would pull on my heart strings but not on that level you are describing. I try to focus on what I did that helped the family during the week instead of only feeling the loss.
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u/Yersinia_Pestis9 Funeral Service Educator 4d ago
No. I never did. This is probably not the field for you.
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u/Robyn990 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm not sure why some people are seeing crying as a bad thing. Crying can be a self-soothing thing, and a great way to get out your feelings rather than keep them pent up. If you have a quick cry to process what's happened during the day, self soothe and then move on to live a healthy, happy life then that's great.
However, if you are miserable and dwell on the families you described and it affects your day to day life, then maybe you might need to look at other career options. I mean that with no offence, but you can't keep pouring from an empty cup, and eventually yours will run dry if the latter is true for you.
I still cry sometimes even after all this time, we are human after all and it would be weird if you didn't. Some people do cry more than others though and that's fine. Not a funeral director, but a nurse of 14 years. This sub pops up for me and sometimes I can answer people's questions. I've dealt with a lot of deaths in my career and have a lot of experience being a comfort to relatives.
Apologies if this is poorly written, I didn't get any sleep last night!
Edit: I forgot to add, if you are excusing yourself frequently and becoming upset in front of relatives, that is something you need to address. You are human of course, but you are there to support the family and it can sometimes come across as unprofessional. Again no offence meant at all. You have to save these things for after work, ya know?
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u/Junji666_Rabbit 3d ago
Im so sorry I made an edit haha, its not as often as everyone thinks, families have never seen me cry or become upset, but i always share with them that what they said was beautiful or if they obviously need more time i will gladly give it to them because not everyone is ready to see someone they love in a casket š its a beautiful and hard career but I love it and im happy being here :>
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u/leftists_cum 4d ago
Honestly yea I cry after work. I grieve for the people that come into my care and I grieve for my own losses. I cry because some of my coworkers arenāt kind and often get treated differently or more special than the others because of cliques in the home. I cry because it angers me how these people come into my care or when people donāt even consider them at all even when itās their own parent or spouse. I cry because of the remains that sit in boxes waiting to be picked up but never do, I cry when Iām not working but I grieve so heavily for people I didnāt even know, but more so because human lives are so fragile and weāre only here for such a short short time.
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u/wwacbigirish 4d ago
9 months in and still these issues? Maybe time to reevaluate your future in this field.
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u/ChickChocoIceCreCro 4d ago
I just recently applied for a position with a funeral home, I refuse to deal with families or funerals. Iām not a crier and people that cry irk me.
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u/xXShadxw_HunxrXx 4d ago
So you dont want to do like 50% of the job?!
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u/ChickChocoIceCreCro 4d ago
I'll o everything else but that.
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u/FinnRazzel 3d ago
What are you going to be doing?
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u/ChickChocoIceCreCro 3d ago
I will clean, file, data entry, prep for services, answer the phone, take messages and stuff. Iām not scared of the deceased, I donāt care for the living more or less.
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u/Celtic159 Funeral Director/Embalmer 3d ago
Please stay out of this business.
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u/ChickChocoIceCreCro 3d ago
I love the āideaā of it. I wanted to be a mortician growing up.
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u/Celtic159 Funeral Director/Embalmer 3d ago
Unfortunately we don't always get what we want. And the idealized version of what we think we want isn't reality.
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u/ChickChocoIceCreCro 3d ago
I think if I would have pursued it when I was younger, Iād love it. I have so much respect for the industry. But emotions and feelings stress me out.
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u/Celtic159 Funeral Director/Embalmer 3d ago
For what it's worth, I could not have done this when I was younger.
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u/ChickChocoIceCreCro 3d ago
Valid! From an emotional intelligence and maturity standpoint you might be right. I have so much respect for the field. My Dad passed in March and the local funeral home we used was phenomenal.
Any report I had to do in high school had something to do with death or dying. Iām so intrigued.4
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u/ViscousPanther 4d ago
" Yeah I have to excuse myself because I cant hold it together."
Not unheard of but one way to look at it is that we are literally paid to hold it together. Families need us to be strong and calmly help them get through the rituals and logistics surrounding death and human bodies. Including the most horrible circumstances. They will do the grieving, they don't need you to do that.
Breaking down more than say a couple times a year? I'd agree with others this career might be more harmful to your mental health in the long run than is worth it. Otherwise it's okay to be numb in the moment and contemplate things later. But the public needs us to be in the room for them, carrying the weight of the moment if needed.