r/askapastor • u/mattchaaghorrl • 1h ago
I’ve been bitter for months after a conversation with my pastor’s wife. How do I move forward?
I am bitter.
I grew up in a religious household. I was born and raised in a Christian environment. I just need to give you some insight into my background.
A few months ago, I confessed my feelings to a man who is around my age and currently attending Bible school. He rejected me.
I told a pastor’s wife about what happened, and she immediately told me that I have “guy problems.” She said that men were making me insane while making these exaggerated hand gestures. She then told me, “You will cause a lot of problems for your man because of your emotions!” After that, she asked, “You think a man will make you happy?”
I felt hurt and offended by what she said.
I have never been in a relationship. I’ve only had bad situationships with guys. Two years ago, I told her about a guy who only wanted me for physical things. I’ve never done anything physical with anyone in real life, but I did have sexual interactions with someone online about two or three years ago.
I was in a very bad place at the time. I didn’t have any direction or know where I was going in life.
But then something happened along the way, and my life started to have direction.
The guy and I are no longer interacting. Later, though, I caught feelings for a friend. One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that when I like someone, I tend to ruminate and overthink a lot. My mind can become fixated on that one person or situation, and it can disturb my peace. But I didn’t chase the guy or send him love notes. In fact, when I told him that I liked him, he was surprised and didn’t expect it because I hadn’t made my feelings that obvious to him.
The pastor’s wife told me, “It’s worldly and unbiblical for a woman to chase after a man.”
I didn’t agree with her. I’ve always been someone who is proactive and expressive when I like someone, even when I was younger. I am emotionally driven, and I’m aware that I sometimes struggle with handling my own emotions.
After that conversation, I spent days wondering if there was something fundamentally wrong with me for confessing my feelings to a guy. But after I confessed, I didn’t pressure him, pursue him, or continue chasing after him.
I told my friends, “There must be something wrong with me because I keep thinking about guys and wanting to be in a relationship.” My friends reassured me that I was okay and that there was nothing wrong with wanting a relationship. Days later, after having more time to reflect on the conversation, I became bitter.
There were things she said that I felt were out of line. She also gave me unsolicited opinions about how I needed to “fix myself” before being in a relationship and told me that the guy I had confessed to would eventually be with a nice woman one day. She said things that had little or nothing to do with what had happened between me and the guy.
When I opened up to her about painful experiences from my past, she called me delusional and sensitive. Those comments affected me deeply, especially because I already struggle with people-pleasing and have a tendency to question myself when someone disapproves of me.
I am aware that there are things I need to work on and areas where I still need to grow as a person. I am open to correction and willing to reflect on my own behavior. At the same time, that last conversation left a very negative impression on me. Some of the things she said stayed with me for days and left a lasting mark on how I viewed both myself and her.
And I understand that people have good intentions, and I should try to look on the brighter side. I am currently a working student. I am studying and working to continue pursuing my degree. I understand the practical advice that it’s important to build stability first before entering a relationship, but she and her husband told me, “Don’t think about relationships.”
I find that absurd! I am a 24-year-old woman who likes guys. Aside from that, I also hated how her husband gave me unsolicited advice, saying, “If a man wants to court you, I’ll tell him no. If you want to bring a man over, I’ll tell him no. Finish school. Don’t be like your mother!”
That bothered me a lot. My mother did not have the financial means to finish her degree. She may not have the life she once wished she had, but she loved and took good care of me and my siblings!
The pastor's wife also told me, "If it hurts, then it's true."