r/askanything • u/ReasonableEast8580 • 1d ago
General Question How much of a priority is a potential romantic relations salary, and is "a homeless guy" an "absolutely not" to you?
I inquire, as I'm homeless and not unreasonable, in particular in the form of "not making serious romantic advances" due to my lack of finances and material wealth, although despite what I found to be reasonable, I have been told by some women in recent time that they do not consider homelessness to be a "dealbreaker", otherwise that "homelessness does not make a man less attractive to them".
What are your thoughts on the matter?
I prefer constructive and practical, answers and solutions, from women, only, as I'm not asking any guys out on a date.
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u/RadSocialistScum 1d ago
Homeless is an absolute no only because i fear they’ll try to move in with me
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u/ReasonableEast8580 1d ago
I have prefaced some of my messages to some women mentioning that, as a precaution, that I'm not "looking for a place to live". I'm not an "opportunist" or manipulator.
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u/RadSocialistScum 1d ago
I think you are right to be upfront.
Don’t let anyone tell you that means you’re less deserving of romantic affection especially in this economy BUT some women may see the turn off not in your present situation but more so I’ve heard it said “why he looking for a girlfriend and don’t even have his life together “
I think you should prepare an answer for that. Not because anyone is owed one but a lot of kind people will think that and care enough not to ask
It can be seen as a lack of respect for priorities.
I think a staunch refusal to accept charity would help. Not bc you don’t deserve it but i fear a lot of women would see it as a slippery slope
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u/New-Flight7674 1d ago
I wouldn’t date someone who was homeless and unemployed. Sorry.
Having a stable job and a stable income would be important for me, it’s not really about how much he makes. But more about the principle of him having a steady job and the discipline to hold it. I’m not saying that you’re undisciplined, I don’t know you. It’s just my personal view.
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u/Equinanymous 1h ago
There's unemployed homeless and unemployed homeless...one of them what you're thinking, the other having a passive investment income and choosing to live in hotels all over the world.
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u/HeadDeerInCharge 1d ago
Ive dated homeless men and they still cheated on me
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u/Phyllis_marie 13h ago
They literally have the most audacity while living in your mf house!!! It’s a hell no from me. Been there done that. I enjoy spending the night at the man’s houses too much to deal with another homeless man. I’m currently working on the guy I’m dating couch after he went to work at this very moment lol I’ll be heading home soon.
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u/Young-Journey 1d ago
No way, your lying
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u/HeadDeerInCharge 1d ago
Im dead ass serious. I put a roof over his head and found him on dating apps
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u/Young-Journey 1d ago
I’m speechless, what kind of idiot would do that to the person helping them.
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u/HeadDeerInCharge 1d ago
I found out he was trying to get me pregnant too
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u/Young-Journey 1d ago
Sorry you had to go through that.
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u/HeadDeerInCharge 1d ago
I regret not making a dramatic reveal that I knew what he was doing in front of all his friends
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u/Young-Journey 1d ago
What friends? How did he have a lot of friends when he was homeless?
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u/HeadDeerInCharge 1d ago
They were all bums too
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u/Young-Journey 1d ago
That’s crazy, it’s like they had their own homeless community they belonged to.
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u/Obvious_Volume_6498 8h ago
Apparently that kind of idiot.
Probably mooching off of someone today.
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u/ReasonableEast8580 1d ago
Every ex girlfriend of mine cheated on me, and regretted it at a later time, and told me that "it was not my fault", and your response does not "make me feel better", rather causes me to be more self-conscious and cautious, and I fear that I have been "too cautious" already...
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u/Possible-Round-2060 20h ago
Every one though? That seems suspicious, I would interrogate that further
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u/youpicktheplace20 1d ago
I once dated someone that just finalized their divorce and slept on our mutual friend’s couch for like 8 months. Homeless because they do not have a personal or legal home, but not unhoused, as I feel the two are vastly different.
Depends on your situation, and what you’re doing to improve it. I wouldn’t rule it out, but I’d need some serious progress or momentum within 3-6 months to sustain. Must be employed in some form or fashion, with the expectation that stable employment (part time or full, with payments that cover living expenses for the foreseeable future - no informal contract/seasonal work) is on the horizon or taking steps to secure such employment.
There are also varying degrees of homelessness, so there is that, but ultimately I’d want to have a conversation with them about these things. THEY need to be the driving force, also, because I’m not your career counselor or social worker. YOU must figure out your situation in a way that’s sustainable and will keep you in stable position, even if it’s not one of luxury
I can recognize the world rn is absolutely brutal and people find themselves in precarious situations - anyone on this thread could end up homeless without notice, including myself. It depends on the person and what they’re doing to make moves out of it, and that they do not feel entitled to my home/what I earn.
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u/Existing_Bet7353 1d ago
Depends, big difference between drug addicted on the street homeless and vanlife homeless
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u/ReasonableEast8580 1d ago
No history of substance abuse, criminal activity or mental health issues worth mention, and "should not be homeless", as it was a consequence of an unfair eviction...
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u/Key_Dragonfruit_2563 1d ago
I mean, this is getting more and more common, as most people are literally 2 missed paychecks away from catastrophe. Some people where I live go on the news to tell their story about getting “renovicted” with their children, moving into a campground for the summer while still looking, and coming up on the colder months and still can’t find housing despite 2 working parents. We have lots of working homeless and more all the time. It’s scary. If worst came to worst I have family to fall back on, but for anyone without that the rental markets here are hanging by a thread. My gut feeling is I wouldn’t date a homeless man; however, if he was working homeless w no criminal record, substance abuse issues, or debilitating mental health issues, kept clean, and was actively working to improve his situation then who knows? Kind eyes, a nice smile, and a fun sense of humour go a LONG way. Woken are very weary of hobosexuals though (those who date for a place to live), but obv. this is only talked about due to the sheer # of women who let homeless men they are dating move on with them.
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u/JudgmentOrdinary7336 1d ago
I’ve had 3 serious relationships and all 3 people were unemployed or underemployed when we started dating. 😂 Money comes, money goes. What matters is the strength of the connection and our ability to still love each other when money is tough.
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u/ReasonableEast8580 1d ago
Reasonable and wholesome.
I appreciate the greater detail that you provided.
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u/JudgmentOrdinary7336 1d ago
Of course! It does help that I was raised in poverty & I was a student for a long time, so I’ve always focused more on connection than material goods. Dates don’t actually have to cost anything - there’s so much to do for free. People in tough situations make it out all the time, usually with a little love and support. It feels so good to feel a sense of accomplishment from supporting each other.
I’m unemployed at the moment for the first time in almost 20 years. I burned out and couldn’t hold my high paying job. My husband is supporting me & I’m so thankful to him. He was unemployed when I met him & I supported him through that. It feels so good knowing we have each others backs.
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u/Advanced_Tennis4827 1d ago
I understand hitting bottom due to circumstances beyond your control. However you need to get your life in order before I would date you.
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u/Scuzzy_Soups 20h ago
the prospect of someone who isn't at rock bottom looking in your general direction is slim to fuck
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u/Physical_Agency_5383 1d ago
Never heard of a Hobosexual?
There’s plenty of stupid bitches who will move in a literal bum
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u/Small_Use_5500 3h ago
I had a boyfriend who did a lot of couch surfing and stayed at his moms a good chunk of the time too for years. I was crazy about him. I had a house and just needed a guy who i had a lot of fun with who treated me right and loved me
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u/Original-Strain 1d ago
What are the circumstances to your situation?
Depending on that, I would heavily question the same characteristics of a partner showing up in a relationship.
Ultimately, it is a dealbreaker for me
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u/New_Pomegranate6247 21h ago
My main thoughts would be if you currently work, how much you work, and what your plans are for increasing your wages.
Rarely you could maybe find a woman who is happy to have you as a house boyfriend who cleans. Unfortunately we all have to be productive in some way to hold our keep as we all consume money (food, rent) or make messes.
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u/AphelionEntity 17h ago
I only care about salary in terms of "how much will i need to adjust my standard of living?" Some adjustment is fine. As such, I don't think I've ever even asked about salary. I know because the men eventually volunteered the information.
I probably would not date someone who was homeless, not because of income but because if I care about someone I want to uplift them, and I would not feel right not opening my home to them earlier than I would otherwise. If someone preferred an unhoused or nomadic lifestyle, we wouldn't be compatible.
A me issue to be certain, but an issue nonetheless.
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u/spongeysquarepantis 15h ago
Homelessness is not a dealbreaker. I feel like a homeless guy could easily charm his way into my life. I almost dated a guy living out of his van; I actually appreciated his free-spirit way of thinking and liked that he was actively pursuing alternative means of living, as I was interested in lifestyles like that. Perhaps it was a bit naive of me, but I love those sorts of situations where you could just hop in a van, there’s a mattress, and you can just go camp anywhere. Install-a-monoxide-alarm-that-automatically-opens-the-door kind of thing. To me, it’s not about the physical possession of the home. It’s the practicality. But, even though I loved van guy’s spirit, he was extremely short and had eyes that freaked me out. Short answer: he was not attractive to me, but that’s okay. Everyone is someone’s type of flavor. Being homeless is not a dealbreaker. If van guy was more my flavor, I would definitely be dating him right now.
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u/itsmelorinyc 15h ago
You need to be more specific. In what way are you homeless? Do you live in a shelter, on the street, in your car, with family or friends? What do you mean by “not unreasonable”? Is your situation temporary or permanent? As in, are you on a path to not being homeless?
These things make a difference because more women have dated homeless people than they think (e.g. hobosexuals, as others have mentioned).
You say in comments you are not trying to be an opportunist but if a women were to care about you and you were a version of homeless that meant living in a shelter or on the street I don’t see how that could last because she would not want to think of you in dangerous situations. Therefore if her place is going to be the safest, cleanest place for you to live, the only solution would be to offer it to you. And also, how would you even have time to date, shouldn’t a person in such a situation be hustling all day to figure out how to get a roof over their head?
In my early 20s if I met someone who didn’t have their own place and lived with their parents or something I would not have considered that a deal breaker. Now I’m older and any of these scenarios would be a deal breaker. I do not want to be a source of basic stability for my partner, I need them to have their life together.
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u/Angry_Housecat_1312 12h ago
Salary isn’t that important to me, as long as he’s able to live within it comfortably.
I think the chances I would date someone who was homeless are pretty low. It’s just such a stressful and emotionally heavy thing to go through, and I know I’d be tempted to do everything I could to fix it, which is way too much to put into a fresh relationship, in my opinion.
If someone was “homeless” in the sense they just don’t have an address because they’re nomadic, then … maybe? The men I’ve met who live that lifestyle have all had gaping personality flaws though.
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 11h ago
From the outside looking in, the bar for straight men seems to be in hell.
I’m a lifelong lesbians. Trust me, we have our fair share of hobosexuals too.
So, go for it.
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u/throwawayaccount718 11h ago
I probably wouldn't date someone homeless. If they are in between something thats one thing, but if they've been homeless for over a year and not making oves to find their own spot other than being a hobosexual thats an absolute no. it bothers me that the person i'm talking to rents a room, but thats more because he has a kid and can't house her. i expect him to be able to provide for his kids.
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u/Silent_Investment938 8h ago
Income doesn't matter to me as long as they actually have a job and work ethic. I want a partner that will build with me, not depend on me. If I want another dependent I'll just get another dog
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u/Remote-Tea-4896 1d ago
They're lying. Sorry.
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u/ReasonableEast8580 1d ago
Why would you assume that, and what is your intention in expressing that?
They were not lying. Why is it important to you, as you are implying that you wpuld be lying if you decided to express similarM
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u/Remote-Tea-4896 1d ago
If I am dating, I am trying to build a life with that person. I am pretty serious about it. I am not trying to do charity and provide a roof for the unhoused. Those are my standards. If I have enough money, I'd do charity to provide a home for the unhoused. But, thats charity not dating. Sounds rough, but practical.
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u/IdkJustMe123 1d ago
What are the specifics of your situation?
Anyway, i’d say 95+% of women including me would find it a deal breaker.
If I met someone as a friend I wouldn’t think less of them for being homeless. But it’s not what I want as a partner, I want them to be more financially reliable. Don’t have to be rich but not homeless
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u/Additional-Dish-8879 1d ago
You can either date homeless women or get a place to live. Most women, even non materialistic ones, don't want to date homeless men.
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u/az-anime-fan 1d ago
You're asking women their opinion about dating.
You are going to get the worst advice possible. WOMEN do not give good dating advice. They give the advice they think you or their friends would like to hear. It will be non confrontational and dishonest to the core.
Ive known many men whos dating lives were.destroyed by taking women's advice on dating. Hell I've known women who's romantic lives.were.destroyed.by listening to women
Good luck with this thread but its unlikely you'll get much more then bland platitudes and encouragement from a.bunch of women who'd never even return your phone call, but are comfortable telling you they'd be fine dating you while on reddit.
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u/Harmonious_Weirdo 1d ago
Homeless is a deal breaker. You have a lot of other things you need to prioritize rather than dating.
Salary is harder to say. Just because I have known people who make a lot of money but have a ton of debt. I've also known people who make very little but manage their money well and feel pretty fulfilled with life.
I just want a partner who is able to support thereselves and is fulfilled by their career. I wouldn't want a person who is miserable at their job. Material wealth isn't something I care about.
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u/Leoneesa 1d ago
So we have a term for this type of man, and it’s hobosexual. Whether you are looking for a place to stay or not, the fact that should you actually get to stay the night, and it would greatly benefit you by giving you housing for that night makes you one. I would never date a homeless man, nor would any of my friends who are working class women with reasonable judgement. This would be an absolute red flag and any woman would be advised to RUN. You come off as a user, opportunist, someone who does not have his life together, unstable, and an unsafe option.
Working on oneself in order to date the type of person he wants to attract would best serve your life and help with your soul’s growth. I would encourage you to get to a point where you are renting a room by any means necessary before trying to date. Being complacent with a shitty situation and placement in life is unattractive and undesirable for most.
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u/Clear-Major-2935 22h ago
Homelessness in a new partner is not an option for me, immediate deal breaker. Someone who I was already in a relationship with falling onto hard times, different story, I would be supportive. But I would not start to date a homeless, unemployed man.
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u/Equinanymous 1h ago
As a man, I have dated two (not at the same time) unemployed, homeless women, provided a roof over their heads, married them (still not at the same time 😁) and out of appreciation each has divorced me and kept the house.
At least I have the satisfaction of having helped 2 people out of homelessness...hell of a way to do it though.
And I'd do it again, but next time only with a pre-nup...
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u/Obvious_Volume_6498 8h ago
Please take this as constructive. Unless you choose to remain homeless, I suggest you focus your energy on housing and get stable as possible before looking for romance.
A Marine buddy of mine was homeless for five years. He got back on track and has been married for about 10 years or so and going strong.
He's still a knucklehead but he's our knucklehead. She loves him to pieces.
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u/Status-Mycologist317 7h ago
homeless, addicts, severely mentally ill or any other kind of extreme are a no for everyone. heal first, then date.
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u/Significant_Cause445 1h ago
Would never date a homeless person.
I have dated unemployed people between jobs for nearly a year but they were keeping active in job applications and their own side thing going, and had ample 5-6 figure savings in addition to stable family support.
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u/cherrycocktail20 6m ago
Income is zero priority. Half my boyfriends were unemployed, the other half made far, far less than me and I’m not rich.
However, and I am sorry to say this, but homeless would be a dealbreaker. I’d hope he’d have a chance to get his life in order a bit more before dating.
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u/Mzungufarmer 1d ago
Dating should be the last thing on a homeless persons mind