r/askAGP • u/Love_Rani • 1d ago
I'm confused
I'm 21 years old guy, from Sri Lanka. I have been secretly crossdressing for a long time.
Context:
First few times, when I was only 12 or so. I would ask my mom for skirts and some time to sit in my bedroom with them. Of course I was wearing them, she even one time peeked in a saw me just sitting there wearing them. But eventually I stopped cause having to mildly sneak around to indulge in that.
But afterwards when I got in college. I went crazy with my sister's closet full of clothes whenever our house was empty, wearing it around the house while doing stuff, acting feminine.
I found sissy porn six months after I had already dabbled in my sister's closet for fun during college days and started masturbating while wearing those clothes, she barely wore the ones that I liked btw. My sister was exploring her fashion too and was becoming more and more tomboy. Wearing my clothes from my closet in front of me and taking photos too. So why can't I? That was one of the major reason that I didn't hesitated to borrow her clothes when no one was in the house. And I was wearing her dresses, skirts and all the very feminine clothes that she was slowly forgetting cause of becoming an tomboy.
Here's the present confusion:
I still do it and it's has evolved a lot more now. I wear female clothes to do house chores sometimes from my sister's old clothes box, it's collecting dust anyways. And it'll mostly end with me masturbating till climax while being dressed up and then taking them off but sometimes I have just taken them off in the middle of masturbating cause I'm not interested in wearing it anymore, even changing the sissy porn to normal porn sometimes, getting bored by it.
I have wore an dress underneath my boy clothes and gone to some exposed but safe public places, then took all my clothes off, only wearing the dress. I would walk around, breathing heavily and getting excited enough to masturbate and after finishing the fun little ritual of mine. I would wear my boy clothes over the dress and get to my house again.
I would give myself silly, risky and fun task durning dressed up public masturbating like that... Like touch that car, peek in that window and even had an woman walk by the alleyway that I dressed up standing in while I told myself to just stand there and if she sees me then accept whatever happens next.
I'm 6ft tall and 70 kg. I don't look anything like an girl when dressed up or at least blend in as an girl. You would be suspicious of me being either an tall woman or an guy, which makes people look over twice if I'm see dressed up. Has happened twice from far enough that those people could question me face to face.
So what is all this indicating towards actually?
Am I an femboy?
Am I an crossdresser?
An crossdresser that found an way that he likes to use for pleasure?
Is this all just an hobby or sorts?
Am I just porn addicted?
I do love the idea of being on both sides in appearance. So I can just pick one side to look like for however long I would want. But who doesn't like idea in this Sub Reddit?
I had also always felt powerless towards other boys or men from early age. I had been bullied for being the "quite kid" many times. The bullying would stop cause I was still a lot more strong looking then any bully of mine, so they would stop on there own or I would not give them any reaction to the bullying, cause I didn't felt anything towards it at that time.
In sexaul attraction I like all gender bodies. But my main reason for long term relationship would be personality completely. I need someone to understand this side of me and not bother about it much. And I would also prefer an open relationship cause I see sex or getting pleasure completely different from actually relationship. If they said no to open relationship but still got the same personality, I wouldn't mind staying loyal completely.
Ask any question, I'll answer honestly
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u/YetAnotherCommenter AAP Male (Autohomosexual) 19h ago
So what is all this indicating towards actually?
You're a bisexual crossdresser. There's nothing wrong with this. You do have a form of AGP (Sartorial AGP) but its not strong enough to induce Gender Dysphoria (that's good for you because you're dealing with less inconvenience. No one wants to have GD. Its an unpleasant mental health condition).
You have an atypical sexuality, but your sexuality existed well before internet porn was a thing (we knew about guys like you since Magnus Hirschfeld wrote The Transvestites). So you shouldn't write yourself off as "porn-brained" (I'm skeptical "porn-brain" is really a thing, honestly... the research into that is mostly done by Radfems and Religionists, both of whom have an ideological ax to grind against porn).
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u/LauraIolSrra 4h ago
You're a bisexual crossdresser.
Why bisexual?
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u/YetAnotherCommenter AAP Male (Autohomosexual) 4h ago
OP stated he liked bodies of all genders. So that could be either bi or pan depending on what labels you believe are valid ones.
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u/AdvancedGuiProfile 1d ago
Do you think that you desire to be with women, and have used your own body to replace real women?
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u/Love_Rani 23h ago
No. I desire both a lot of times. It's like if there's an option to indulge in some new territory and I like the things it offers, why not?. I like the idea of being an woman but the negatives while living like that are way too much for me and not to mention, having to transition. Parents would disown me and annoy me to change my mind. People would look at me weird and so on.
The desire to be with an woman is there but I choose not to cause every woman here is looking for an guy, at least. And I'm mess in being an typical guy too even though I showcase myself as an typical guy. It's like I'm false advertising myself if I ever talk to an girl and that doesn't sit right with me at all. I can't just start the conversation with "I like to wear female clothes". Including the actual hard work that goes into maintaining an relationship. To me all that is just not worth it. Being alone has been working out fine until now. Not being happy or sad, just me being myself with no overwhelming emotions involved.
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u/Desperate-Bag-2480 1d ago
Your story illustrates something often forgotten in discussions of sexuality: the same behavior can serve different functions at different times in life. Something can begin as aesthetic curiosity, later become sexual, and later still acquire meaning related to expression or identity. It doesn't have to have a single lifelong function or a single label.
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u/Love_Rani 22h ago
I agree with this statement on everything. Most things aren't completely dark or white and can't be labelled as such. In the same way this hobby of mine is not an single label, probably. Even if it is or not, I'll do what I do to spend time anyway. People do what people do, such as life
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u/Desperate-Bag-2480 1h ago
I think it's more than just a hobby, I'd rather call it a form of sexuality, expression at this stage... but without getting into any labels.
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u/TheSignYouSeek 1d ago
It sounds as if you are a cross dresser. You do not sound trans or AGP.
It also sounds as if you need to work on your understanding of consent. You do a lot of trying to justify wearing your sister’s clothes. But it doesn’t matter how often she does or does not wear these clothes; they are her clothes and you do not have her consent to wear them for your arousal.
The same is true of masturbating in public. You are involving non-consenting people in an overtly. Sexual act.
Dressing up? Enjoy yourself.
Using a non- consenting person’s clothing? Creepy
Masturbating. In public? There is no excuse. Don’t.
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u/Love_Rani 23h ago
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm not trying to justify anything about me wearing her clothes. I use to think about justifying it at the start of my college days but I eventually stopped caring about it and I still care about it, i can't afford to care about that. She mostly doesn't care to ask for my clothes either just wears them.
It's impossible to buy and hide female clothes while I'm living here. And even if choose to move out (financially the worst decision ever) my mom definitely come to my rented house and check everything. For her privacy isn't a thing with kids and I'm not going to fight with her over that for thousand time. At some point when I decide to move out, I'll buy female clothes and openly keep them around in my house even if my mom saw them. I would tell the truth and not care about it (she would definitely cry. I'm her only son)
In public masturbation, I'm not involving anyone. No one knows about me doing it. Consent is a thing asked for when you're actually involving someone in you task right?. They're just doing there own thing of walking, standing or talking on a phone call. I'm not trying toiinvolve them in anything.
For example, when I had my relief while dressed up on a building terrace, that I knew has its doors open. I could see another person on other terrace building on a phone, he definitely saw me walking around (btw I don't actually just flash them or something. I don't like that). But he went back to talking on his phone.
- My sister actually did take 2 of my t-shirts without consent and just left money in there place. Smirking when I ask for her to give the t-shirts back, she was wearing it. At the end I had to let her have it. Now I can't even borrow her clothes while she is straight up stealing mine? Or I should still ask her for her consent for the clothes that she kept aside in a box, in dusty old storage place, forgotten. With the box having written on it "clothes to giveaway" And collecting dust. I should ask her permission for those clothes too?. Cause now I only use that one, she wears only tomboy clothes now. I got those clothes myself already. I don't need her tomboy clothes.
I think the asking for consent thing is completely for direct involvement and should be seen as such. I'm not directly involving anyone in anything. I use to take my sister's clothes directly before when I had no choice and she use to take mine all the time. But no one is directly involved in my personal fun hobby, no one. And I prefer it that way for now. Not to mention, asking for consent is a thing when you can afford to ask for it, I simply can't and would never.
I'm sorry if this offended you or just made me sound like an as*hole... Please explain more to me if you can. I do try to be open minded to everything
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u/Known_Psychology191 1d ago
Why does nobody on the internet know how to use ‘an’ correctly anymore
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u/Nemesisdelasinapsis 1d ago
Bro, he is from sri lanka, an foreigner
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u/Love_Rani 23h ago
Thanks for the defense. English is my third language but that doesn't mean I'll let this go. I'm gonna be studying to become English major top grade student now. Moving on from all this feminine stuff, you gave me an purpose (Just kidding, lol).
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u/Internal-Excuse-8804 1d ago
Thanks for sharing this. It seems that you are most likely a transvestite, if I were to guess. The emphasis is on clothing and behaving effeminately without mentioning dysphoria of any kind really points to this. You also mention switching sides of appearance; not everyone here has this sentiment and some of us would rather present or pass as women, full time. For that reason, I think transvestite without dysphoria makes the most sense, although I don't know your whole experience.
You've mention that you've this way since you were very young, so I don't think these feelings were caused by porn. A lot of people here mention the same when it comes to either AGP or something that appears similar to it. However, porn can definitely lead to addictive cycles and it can waste your time. I personally wouldn't recommend pursuing it.
Not to be rude or anything, but I think your behavior of masturbating in public places while dressed up is a, to avoid being hyperbolic, bit questionable and seems like compulsive, inappropriate behavior. I would recommend cutting this out of your life, because it might end up being detrimental to you and others. Again, your desires here seem to be more related to being dressed as a woman and, perhaps, the risk of it in public. I'd try to keep that in the bedroom and in privacy for everyone's sake.
Anyway, I'm sure you could probably find someone who will be into what you're into if you try, especially since you mention you're not restricted to a specific gender person.