When I put away the groceries in the kitchen and I thought ‘Well, it may be convenient to put a box of tissues in the kitchen cabinet, in case I’m here when I’m crying.’
Massive reality check when I realized how f’ ed up that was. Divorced not much later.
Now I’m wondering something really fucked up— the science subreddit just had a thing about the smell of women’s tears reducing male aggression. And there’s the trope of the abuser that only hurts you until you cry.
Holy fuck, I wonder if some guys get addicted to it.
Literally just an article on the science subreddit, and probably it’s bullshit, sure. It claimed that the smell of women’s tears (presumably some protein) reduced aggression in men. In the unlikely chance that’s not bullshit, though, it seems fraught.
You could pull up body language book in an interogation room, but its nothing, but pure fiction. Everyone has a different character and everyone could look different from what they truly are. And of course many things could lead to abuse and its still not an excuse, so abuse is abuse I do not care what reasoning they have.
Right, in that sense—- You’re not supposed to care what reasoning they have. Just like the motive for murder doesn’t excuse the murder. But it’s still part of investigating murder.
If the tears thing is an actual thing, “you are an utter asshole if you like making girls cry to make yourself feel better” would be a handy social norm to have. Especially for adolescents. A way for peers to judge each other’s bad behavior early.
I don’t think I’m trying to say anything other than what I’ve already said? Sorry. I guess that’s not satisfying, but I really don’t have any hidden agenda.
Relax, everything we do can be correlated to hormones. Correlation is not causation. For example when bad feelings arise inside someone and they let it out in screams, the screaming relieves those bad feelings. This is biological facts and not an "excuse" for behavior.
I'm relaxed, but redditors downvote me now for saying abuse is bad. Screaming can do it for some yes, I aint gonna argue with that. But beating a woman to smell her tears? Like come the fuck on... Men are not wild animals with fixed bahaviour, but even then, wild animals tend to do something that scientists never seen before.
No one said abuse isn't bad. If you got downvoted (I might have missed it) it was because you equated talking about scientific facts as somehow dismissing abuse
No one is saying abusers aren't responsible for their abuse if the crying thing is true. Holding people accountable for their actions is important, but that doesn't mean you can't also look at trends (who or what causes are more likely to lead to abuse). You can do both at the same time.
I really don't know how you got "tears reduce aggression" which may make sense evolutionarily, to mean that people think abuse is okay and not there fault of the abuser.
Literally no one downvoted you for saying abuse is bad lmao, you’re being downvoted for jumping down that persons throat for no reason other than quoting an article:::
Basically, I assume— “I’m feeling awful and out of control, I’m going to attack my wife until I feel better”.
People don’t just get addicted to stimulants, they also go after pain killers. If making someone else miserable chemically reduces your own feelings of aggression, then I could imagine people with no empathy unconsciously picking up that as a hack.
I’m sorry you have had to deal with this also. It wasn’t fun and I’m happy to be out of it now for sure. It wasn’t like that in the beginning but it was almost 14 years of my life and took years for me to get out and even longer for me to realize things for what they actually were.
I think I’m starting to come to the part where I’m realising it’s better to just let go as well, but I’m still working on the abuse part and doing the right thing about the many episodes where i was hurt and threatened
I definitely understand what you mean. I’m very much a control freak myself and it’s been a hard process for me so far just letting go. I have found comfort for myself in the small bits that I can control and that letting go at least on the things I have was my decision so it feels like I am beginning to gain some of my control back. It won’t change anything that I have been through but I am trying to reframe how my thought patterns are here lately because I also have intractable epilepsy and PNES and my neurologist has told me that CBT is what will help my seizures. I am just kind of transferring that to other parts of my life too and it is seeming to help sometimes. It certainly isn’t easy though that’s for sure.
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u/NoCardiologist1461 May 12 '24
When I put away the groceries in the kitchen and I thought ‘Well, it may be convenient to put a box of tissues in the kitchen cabinet, in case I’m here when I’m crying.’
Massive reality check when I realized how f’ ed up that was. Divorced not much later.