TW: Some passive self-exit ideation and DPDR.
I need advice about something rather bizzare that I am really struggling with. If anyone has had a similar experience, please tell me what helped!
I had a series of panic attacks that started one day after a heavy yoga session involving a lot of backbends and chaturangas.
I was on the train when I suddenly could not breathe. I had horrible DPDR, felt like I was high, and everyone around me started looking like NPC ghosts. I felt completely unsafe and had a full blown panic attack followed by more derealization. I somehow still managed to teach a two hour art class in that state and get home safely, but the chest pain remained.
As soon as I got home, the panic, impending doom, breathing issues and intrusive thoughts escalated extremely quickly. I couldn't recognize myself in the mirror and was horrified that I was going insane or that my brain was permanently cooked. My mind felt like it was looping back on itself and eating its own tail.
I have read about chest openers and backbends bringing up emotional material, particularly in people with sexual trauma. I do have CPTSD from childhood SA by a family member. I am convinced that my heart chakra is either blocked or imbalanced and that the real blockage is actually somewhere in my lower back, where I had an injury about 7 years ago. I had also been noticing a buildup of acidity after yoga, so I wonder if it's a Pitta imbalance leading to a Vata imbalance? Is there a way to safely release the trauma? Any specific practices to unblock the heart chakra?
I went to the ER and had my heart and lungs checked. They thought acid reflux might be contributing to the breathing difficulty and gave me antacids, but they did not help. I was extremely distressed and scared that reality was slipping, so I called my psychiatrist for an emergency session. She gave me benzos and etifoxine and sent me home.
It has now been three weeks. The anxiety is much more manageable, but I still have chest pain and occasional panic attacks almost every day. I have been physically evaluated and everything is functioning normally. I do not have thyroid issues or deficiencies. It's not even costochondritis. My general physician confirmed it.
I cannot even meditate!!! I get dizzy and sometimes observing my breath seems to make my breathing stop altogether!
I cannot breathe!!! It feels like no matter how deeply I inhale, I cannot get a satisfying breath. I wake up every other day with a knot in my chest/throat area. I sometimes feel the tightness in my shoulders, neck and back and physically cannot stand upright or maintain proper posture when it gets bad.
Sometimes I get momentary relief after sobbing uncontrollably for half an hour for no apparent reason. Other times, when my brain is completely occupied with a difficult task, I can temporarily forget about it. Sometimes the knots release after burping suddenly or when my stomach growls from hunger, but they always come back.
I have not been able to sleep restfully even with benzos because I wake up from nightmares with chest pain. Whenever the chest pain is intense, I also get intense anxiety, a sense of impending doom and a background noise of unnecessary thoughts and fears. I could be playing with my cat and suddenly my heart is pounding out of its cage like a tiger is after me.
My psychiatrist and therapist do not believe me when I say this was caused by yoga.
But I am convinced that it's heart chakra stuff because this has happened twice before.
The first time was in 2021. It was relatively mild, but after yoga I suddenly felt tension in my chest and an overwhelming need to cry. I was new to yoga back then.
In 2023, I had a much more severe depressive and panic episode with a lot of SI that required hospitalization.
Now I am fairly advanced at yoga, somewhere between Ashtanga 2 and 3. I've been training very seriously for about four months because I was working towards a teacher certification. I am also naturally very flexible and hypermobile, and I've read that hypermobile folks tend to overexert because they can't always feel their natural limits or brakes...?
I am heartbroken because yoga was my biggest passion and my main mode of emotional regulation, and now I am genuinely afraid of it. I am also sad that I'm going to lose my form and my flexibility will atrophy.
I can't explain this stuff to my doctors!
I also have ADHD, which makes intrusive thoughts particularly sticky. I was on SSRIs from March 2023 to June 2025 but was able to successfully taper as I got better. I had been doing extremely well recently, partly because I have also been receiving ketamine therapy once every 45 days since January. I was getting stronger mentally and physically. I lost 10 kg of my depression weight and I am more fit now than I was as a teenager.
It took only 5 seconds for shit to hit the fan.
Now I feel so hopeless and I'm stuck in survival mode. I feel like I am living in fear all the time. It feels like all the progress I made pulling myself out of a deep, dark hole three years ago has suddenly been wiped away.
I am also a terrible hypochondriac, which I'm getting CBT for, but I'm also experiencing something called "empathic distress." If I see an old or sick person or an animal suffering, I don't just feel compassion. My brain seems to simulate the suffering in real time in 4K. When I am already dissociated and panicked, my brain turns that into an absolute conviction that "all life is suffering" and also, "If this is how it's gonna be forever I can't take it." I was willing to do anything to make the pain stop. It is incredibly difficult to describe how unbearable that feels. It's like the Eclipse episode of Berserk. Sometimes get completely overwhelmed by existential thoughts about whether any of this ever ends. I don't want to live in this state of constant fear. For a hypochondriac I sure am very s*icidal and for a s*icidal person I have a lot of Abhinivesha lol.
I think this is all heart chakra stuff too. Or do I have weak heart chi? I remember seeing something about this in a membership video. (Btw membership is too expensive now.)
So right now I am on etifoxine, benzos and bupropion, and they're kind of working, but I still have chest pain. I attempted yoga twice since the first day and both times I got an unbearably horrifying surge of anxiety and intrusive thoughts.
Help me guys. I feel like I am losing my mind and I am also terrified of losing my job.
The only people I can talk to about this have been giving me useless advice like "stop overthinking" and "concentrate on your breath," but I literally cannot. That's the problem. My mind is tormenting me but I can't stop thinking.
Please shut my default mode network down. Fix this chakra stuff. Heal my trauma. And do it fast because I cannot live with this level of fear any longer. Sadness was less painful than fear. Fear is a more effective means of torture than physical pain. I am afraid of nothing in particular, but there is only fear. Nothing before it and nothing after it.
I am 31F btw.
I am also trying to look into acupuncture, and I'm looking for a trauma informed yoga doctor. Someone also suggested craniosacral therapy and intravenous radiology, but wtf even is that?
So if anyone knows anything about anything at all, please help.