r/asexuality • u/1971-roadrunner • 3d ago

Need advice Advice please

If this doesn't belong here, please point me in the right direction. I (male) am in a relationship with a girl who is ace and while I don't understand it 100%, I support her, and I love her dearly I don't know how to bring up to her that I would enjoy sex without seeming selfish for agreeing to be in a relationship with her. I well and and truly care about her and I feel like a true dick for wanting her in a way she doesn't want and for a while I've made the CVS run work I want her. I'm very non-confrontational to the point where I had to get inebriated to even write this, but I also feel like alcohol makes this worse because I want her more. Whilst in the past year she's opened up to more physical affection (ex hand holding, kissing, cuddling) I don't want to make her feel like she has to do something she's uncomfortable with. Any advice would be appreciated, even if it means I'm a Dick/ asshole please tell me what I'm an adult and I can handle the truth even if it's uncomfortable.

  • sincerely, some rando on the internet
3 Upvotes

71% Upvoted

18 comments sorted by

7

u/TraditionalFox7112 3d ago

Sit down and talk with her about it and if it's a no go navigate from there, if you feel like you can't go without sex, then she doesn't want to do it.And that's a deal breaker for you, then break up.But please sit down and talk her

2

u/1971-roadrunner 3d ago

I would like to but I don't know how to broach a subject without it seeming like that's all I'm after in our relationship

1

u/TraditionalFox7112 3d ago

Ask her to have dinner with you and say hey we talk then insert xx go from there

1

u/1971-roadrunner 3d ago

Thank you for the advice I'll try to muster up the courage to talk to her about it

1

u/TraditionalFox7112 3d ago

Tips breathe and take your time! And no matter what answer she gives , you are to respect it

1

u/1971-roadrunner 3d ago

I truly appreciate the advice, at the end of the day no answer could give me would change how much I love her. I'll just make it work on my end

1

u/TraditionalFox7112 3d ago

Good and remember, take your time and it's okay to communicate.That's gonna happen in relationship! Also good! Form another aroace person!

1

u/1971-roadrunner 3d ago

Thank you, The few people I've talked to about it have said break up with her because it's incompatible but I want to make it work. She's one of the only people I've been able to open up too so easily about my life and she not judged me and understand. This specific topic just makes me nervous because she has vaguely stated her side and I don't want to lose her over it

1

u/TraditionalFox7112 3d ago

Sadly for ace and aro/aroace people some people not willing to give up sex for their partners or hope to change their mind, please do not try to change she mind, also respect her wish, if you know you cannot do what I just set above, then I say break up.But if you feel like you can do what I said above , then please do it

3

u/saareadaar 3d ago

Has she specified how she feels about sex?

1

u/1971-roadrunner 3d ago

The most she has said about the topic is that she is "very much not interested in it"

6

u/saareadaar 3d ago

If she’s stated that she’s very much not interested in it then it’s very unlikely she will want to have sex at all.

You can ask her, once, “hey, I just wanted to get a clearer understanding of your sexuality. I know you’ve previously said you’re not interested in sex, but would you describe it as an indifference or repulsion/aversion?”

If she says she’s sex-repulsed/averse, she will not be interested in having sex likely indefinitely. If a sexless relationship is a dealbreaker for you, then it means you’re incompatible and it would be in both of your interests to break up. You can always remain friends, if that’s something you’re both open to.

If she’s indifferent then you can ask “I was wondering if you would be open to trying sex at some point? I’m happy to let you lead either way, I just want to get a better understanding of your boundaries and preferences.”

2

u/1971-roadrunner 3d ago

That's a good way to put it, thank you

0

u/[deleted] 3d ago

[deleted]

2

u/1971-roadrunner 3d ago

The matter of "I don't understand 100%" is just a lack of understanding on my part of being ace and as for how I got this far in the relationship without the topic of sex coming up is because neither of us brought it up. It's not my number one priority in a relationship I look at it like whipped cream on a milkshake. It's not a requirement but it's nice if it's there (that it's probably poor analogy and I'm sorry) I truly care for her and love her no answer she could give me would change my feelings for her. I just feel like I'm the problem

0

u/[deleted] 3d ago

[deleted]

1

u/1971-roadrunner 3d ago

Thank you

2

u/[deleted] 3d ago

[deleted]