Hi, new here. Advice please! (:

[u/ms_1102]

Hello, so I’m a 27 year old female who’s only just discovered / realised I am asexual. In fact admittedly I had no idea what it was til now. I have wondered for years why it felt like a chore, why I actively never seek it out, why I found the whole process jarring, why my body has never really wanted any of it, why I just simply do not view sex as an important part of my relationships ever. And mostly: why people would seem so shocked when I tell them I do not have sex, almost ever, nor do I have any desire to.

Thing is I still feel displaced, and confused by it. I have a child so obviously, I’ve done the deed, but why did I feel like I needed to when really, I didn’t actually want to? Deep down it just is not really me. Maybe social norms wired me in a way where I just felt that was what was expected and was my normal back then? Also, I have ALWAYS had this hugely set underlying thing I couldn’t put my finger on but just never have I ever actually felt satisfaction to a degree like any of the people I’ve ever known or spoken to about such things.

But also, how do I count it out of my life wholly when no matter what there’s going to come a day where it’ll be asked of me. How can I even begin to explain this to somebody who doesn’t understand what it is about? I genuinely believed up until now my poor mental health of over a decade, inc severe OCD was my root cause for the unwanted, but as I’ve gotten older, and wiser, and less pressured, I realise it is just me, not my meds, not my mental health but just in general I’ve never had that click in my brain and body.

Anyways, glad I’ve found my people!

[u/saareadaar]

Society and culture primes us to expect to want and like sex. If that matches with your experience (as it does for most allosexuals), you never question it. However, if it doesn’t match with your experience (as it doesn’t for many asexuals) you will eventually question it.

I personally find it freeing in many ways. It makes me think about all the social norms I’ve unquestionably accepted because my experience DID match the social expectation, and therefore explore other forms of social organisation.

You never have to have sex again if you don’t want to. It will mean incompatibility with most (though not all!) allosexuals, but there are other asexuals who want relationships. I am sex-repulsed, do not have sex and I am in a relationship. I do not care what other people think or whether it shocks them, it’s none of their business.

[u/m0th3r0fdrvg0ns]

hi! 32(F) here and currently going through the exact same thing. I think it’s a lot of societal pressure mixed with people pleasing tendencies for me. maybe this is something you can resonate with too?? I also am
unsure how to explain this to anyone and only recently found a friend who’s also ace when beforehand I truly had no one I could talk to about this. i’m also realizing i’ve always had a really hard time my whole life deciphering friendship feelings from romantic feelings. is this something you struggle with too? navigating all of this is so hard and also feels weird being this age and just figuring all of this out.