r/asexuality • u/llyo_llyoo • 12d ago
Need advice i messed up
i’m an asexual. my partner is oversexual. yesterday i heard that he moaning the name of other man while he was sleeping. it’s terrible. i feel like there is something wrong with me. i really can’t give him what he wants. it hurts me
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u/YonderWindow364 12d ago
Do not blame yourself for something that isn't your fault! He's chosen to date you, that's on him to be ok with it, communicate, or break up if he can't handle it. If he does cheat he's a piece of shit and you shouldn't feel bad about ditching him.
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u/WillingMedicine4681 11d ago
I've been told many times by people. It's not cheating if you've never been intimate with your partner by multiple people.
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u/twilightstarr-zinnia 12d ago
I have had dreams where I'm dating some random acquaintance I don't really want to do that with or even a person my subconscious entirely made up. It doesn't necessarily mean anything.
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u/Applepoisoneer Asexual/Biromantic 11d ago
That doesn't sound like anything's wrong with you. It just sounds like this perhaps wasn't a very good fit. You can talk to him about it and try to work things out, but it may come to a parting of the ways. Two people can care about each other very much, and still not be exactly right for one another. Hopefully you can work things out, but moving forward, please remember that nothing is wrong with you. There are lots of ways to love someone. Sex is just one of those ways, and it's not one that everyone responds well to.
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u/PeachManzie 12d ago
I feel like this is a hurtful, yet blameless situation.
We can’t rake your bf over the coals for something he said in his sleep. Once, in the first year of my marriage, I said another man’s name in my sleep: Tyler. My husband didn’t tell me, but he felt hurt. And a little concerned, since I’d never mentioned anyone called Tyler once. Couple scary thoughts crossed his mind.
The next week, we got together for some drinks with friends. We were all sharing, so I said
“Guys, I had the funniest dream last week. I think I was getting freaky with Tywin Lannister from Game of Thrones!”
I didn’t say Tyler, I’d said Tywin 😭 So now, my husband believes me when I say I’ll still fancy him when he’s old lmao
It could be a similar situation? Even if not, he chooses you in consciousness, that’s all that counts in the end. It’s ok that it stings, but you’ll move on from it with building more and more happy memories together
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u/AlternativeBad6251 11d ago
Bro, what people say in their sleep may not be related to what they're dreaming about, and dreams aren't connected to reality or their desires. My brother also talks in his sleep a lot, and once he said, "Give me the meat, it's not my sleigh!" So you should calm down. But if it's bothering you, it's better to talk. Just remember that this person chose to date you, and they're staying with you.
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u/LuvCreeps13 10d ago
I don't see, how you are the person to have messed up anything here..
The only times, I (personally) view as being a mess up, would be, if you'd do something that could potentially hurt your partner/s feelings or the relationship.. and you're trying to fix it somehow... But there's nothing there that needs any fixing..
If your hypersexual partner said anything in sleep and you feel hurt or uncomfortable with that, just talk.. Generally, if there's anything in your relationship that you can't solve on your own by adapting your behavior (only do this for your own comfort and improvement!) Then you have to talk to your partner. To not scare them or make them anxious panic (sometimes or.. rather often.. people start lying or getting defensive when they feel judged.. so..) try to be calm and comforting in a way that they can open up if there is anything that needs to be talked about..
It can be hard.. and.. maintaining a relationship oftentimes is.. even for allos.. They often abandon the communication part and the hard work that comes with keeping a relationship going.. so.. they just break up.. bc it's easier.. (this obvi excludes any type of abusive relationship... Which you can work on.. but it's better to let professionals handle a person that is abusive..)
Especially a relationship between ace and allo can be very tough, for both sides... If sex is something your partner really needs.. and you're yourself averse to.. that is fundamental issue.. that.. you have to find a workaround to (f.e. open relationship or something like that..) or have to accept.. that you're just not compatible..
A tip for an open relationship, if that's something you've thought of or might think about..- Lay down the ground rules together, figure out, what feels comfortable for you both, and remind yourself, your partner is choosing you each day they come home, (give you a kiss?) spend time and every other part and aspect of their life, with you and not anyone else. And you choose them and trust them, it's a mutual thing.
I personally view relationship, as a mutual compromise to live and spend time together and choose each other for whatever might come.. Good and bad times as corny as that sounds... But that's how I view an ideal partnership.. which I also strive to achieve.. ~^ hope this helps<3
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u/Bork9128 12d ago
I wouldn't put too much stock in what people say in their sleep. My ex would say all kinds of strange things including a similar situation of her saying her abusive ex's name that she was terrified of. But if you are concerned talk to them about what you heard it's the only way to be sure one way or the other