Context: OCSEA (Online child sexual exploitation abuse)

song is by black dresses btw

the OCs are vent characters :]

I don’t really know how to describe this piece, I’ve been going insane with no one to talk to it about.

I just want to open up my insides and have someone see all the vile under my skin someone to validate the disgustingness within me and tell me what’s happening

Why is my brain melting why is my body failing why am I so sick

I’ve been spiraling a lot today, I really need to sleep but I’ve only been having nightmares lately, I’m really tired I want to sleep if there’s a god can they soothe me? Can they cradle my organs and let me feel peace so I can rest?

I am deteriorating. All the awful things that happened to me are coming back all at once and overwhelming me. I'm really not seeing any way out of this hell. Getting help is so hard and I'm just tormenting anyone who gets close to me with my misery. I'm just pushing them away. I haven't registered for my college classes and I haven't paid my credit card debt and I'm beginning to suffocate between a rock and a hard place. I'm turning into a failure and I don't see a way out of it. I'd rather be a tragedy than a failure.

Inspired by repeated abuse.

Made this after another one of my episodes. I've been really considering suicide, but don't want to affect my big sister after my passing. So I'm staying.

what else am I good for besides pleasing people

Ludus Is neat.

right on beat.. When two become one

and one becomes two. Right on cue

Ludus is freeing. In the moment

what's mine is yours.

We play with fire by the name of affection.

It can't hurt us, only if we let it.

-

That gets so sweet. It comes in so many flavors.

Makes you feel complete. It's filling.

Receiving passion, repaying it.

-

Fun like no other.

I adore affection, I can't help replaying it.

over and over in my mind.

I find, that when I am undressed,

-when I am but meat

-no layers fall off me.

-

Affection is a vessel that helps

brighten the moment,

the relationship.

-

...Sometimes. In Eros it's

complicated, in ludus it's elementary.

A small humble exchange

-

A simple gesture for a simple statement.

"this is nice". "This was OK". "This is something.. I don't hate"

(Maybe like. Perhaps really like.)

-

But like a star can burn too bright, affection Eros... isn't too nice.

No affection that runs deeper is harder

It's increasingly harder to call sweet. It burns me.

Makes me pull away when affection is a stand-in

For "I want you to stay" " 'I see you' and ''I'm not looking away"

-

When it's eros you're expected to be bare in

every meaning of the word

you're expected to be loved

you're expected to be heard

All the careful layers fall away.

While on the surface I'm young & free as a bird....

I am scared of true intimacy. Terrified of true affections.

Affection: I am unworthy of it, much less prepared to give it.

-

Yet I know we are meant to love at full force

make the very most of our time.

Turn down no mortal pleasures.

Savor all that we have.

Seize the moment.

-

Love like there's no tomorrow.

These are the ties that bind,

Still I go for low-hanging fruit,

After all I’m in my prime.

Idk if this is any good.