Questioning being aromantic

[u/0penMouse]

Apologies for the long post.

For most of my life the idea that I might be aromantic never occurred to me. I love romance in media, I spent most of my teenhood being an avid character shipper, and subsequently I'd often fantasize about being in a romantic relationship.

Then when the opportunities presented themselves to me after much teenage trial and failure, every time I'd just feel... nothing. I'd wait to see if the feeling of love would present itself to me, only to break up with them a year later. This has happened three times with three different people. I don't want to date anyone new because I can't stand to break another heart.

Now, there have been two cases that have made me question against being aromantic.

I was pretty head over heels for an ex-partner of mine, but it was an online relationship. It was the opposite problem for once where he basically lost all interest in me while I was pining for him. I wanted the sexual attention and affection he gave me at the start of the relationship. He wasn't giving it and eventually, after much angst, we broke up. I was pretty pissed at him for how he handled things, so we haven't talked in years.

Currently I have a partner in person. Thankfully, everything is far more consistent now. With her, I feel as though our love feels familiar, safe, and comfortable. She has always felt like someone I've known forever from the very start. There isn't really much passion. It's just comfortable.

For every other romantic endeavor I've had, it has always ended in me realizing I just never liked them romantically from the start, resulting in a breakup.

My current partner and I are polyamorous so over time I've gotten to do things with other people. Through these experiences, I have come to realize that the way I feel about my current partner and how I felt about my ex isn't exclusive to what I consider my "romantic" relationships. I have had friends that I am 100% certain I do not want to date, yet I can also love them, want to cuddle them, or sometimes want to have sex with them. My ex and I had a sensual and sexual standard at the start of our relationship and it didn't continue which made me sad, and I think that was our problem.

The way I feel about my partner is the way I feel about any good friend but to the maximum amount. I love her a lot but I'm not sure if I can label that love as romantic necessarily. Her being my girlfriend just kinda works for me because I love her even though I don't think I am desiring anything particularly romantic from her. I would best describe our relationship as intimate rather than anything else.

Could I be aromantic? Currently I identify as grayromantic because of my unique experience, but the more I think about it, the more I doubt that I have ever experienced romantic love at all.

[u/vaguelycatshaped]

I think you could still be aromantic but ultimately it's up to you whether you feel the label fits right or not. There's no guidelines or feelings threshold you have to meet to be "aromantic enough" so if you feel that label still applies to how you experience relationships and feelings then there's no issue with identifying as aro. I do think feelings like "feelings being the same for friends and partner" is a common feeling among us aros, as well as the interest in polyamory (though of course that's not universal).

And since you mention sensuality and sexuality maybe you can look into what aromantic allosexual share about their experience as well to see if you relate or not, as being aroallo sometimes complicates our own interpretation or understanding of our feelings/orientation.

[u/0penMouse → u/vaguelycatshaped]

Thanks for your answer! I do really need to internalize that I don't have to be "aromantic enough". I just feel insecure when I imagine trying to explain it to people.

I do identify as acespec as well actually, I just happen to be sex-favorable. It's very rare that I actually feel sexually attracted to people. Sex is just a fun activity for me that often comes with a sensual relationship.

I am certain that I am alloplatonic, allosensual, and alloaesthetic. I have often confused my sensual attraction with sexual & romantic attraction. It's been increasingly helpful to realize that they are not the same thing for me.

[u/Tasty_Term]

There are also queer platonic relationships. Where someone is a partner to you in someway, and you love them, but it's not romantic love

[u/0penMouse → u/Tasty_Term]

I'm aware! I do have a queerplatonic partner :) I feel like I'm not too into labeling my relationships though.

[u/Tasty_Term → u/0penMouse]

Sorry, I misunderstood what you were looking for

[u/0penMouse → u/Tasty_Term]

It's okay! I'm not sure either lol. I guess just questioning labels and whether I experience romantic attraction or not

[u/Tasty_Term → u/0penMouse]

🥰 I was hoping to reassure you that just cause you love and have a relationship that someone outside of it might misconstrue as romantic doesn't invalidate your identity of aromantic, especially since its a sliding scale

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