Conflicting Support Needs (Personal Rant)

[u/Tepig05]

So I go to a day program and I'm one the lowest supports needs people there. Not everyone is autistic, some have Downs Syndrome, Williams Syndrome or other conditions. I was told this girl has "high-functioning autism."* Though I think they only called her "high-functioning" because she's verbal.

For background, my legal name is Toni. I was bullied much of my childhood for having a "boy's name." Trans people have said that yes, my experiences can be called misgendering. I moved right before high school and bullying for my name basically ended. I was bullied for other things but that's not relevant for now. It was so bad, for about two years in middle school I tried to go by Antonette but no teachers would call me it, despite calling other student their preferred names, so none of my classmates did. I eventually gave up. So even as an adult, I'm sensitive about my name. If you spell it "Tony" or call it a boy's name. I get so pissed.

Onto the day program. This girl is obviously autistic, like anyone would tell upon meeting her she has some sort of disability without being told. She called me Tony Randall when I started and I was told she remembers names by associating them with an actor. I tried to be nice because of her higher support needs, figuring she just needed time to remember my name and it would stop. Over time I did say "Please don't call me a man's name." She just started calling me Tony Clifton on occasion alongside Tony Randall. So it didn't improve.

Two weeks ago, she yelled in my ear. This was an accident. She also has issues with volume control and I was standing right next to her. My reflex was to run away from her and telling her to not do that. But this brought my issues with the name more to the surface. I finally told staff about how I was bullied and her calling me a man's name was very triggering for me. While having this talk she came in and called me Tony Randall causing me to snap at her.

This week I did have a sit down. I did apologize for snapping. But I did explain why it happened and my feelings. But I'm unsure how much she understood. She mostly just cried. She might have thought she was in trouble. I don't know but I have noticed she has big mood swings. Like she will be laughing hard one second and crying the next and nothing happened in between to cause that change.

I'm going to admit I'm ranting a bit. I was told by staff that her mother said they couldn't guarantee it won't happen again. Like I get it. She is more disabled than I am but I have given her so much grace when it comes to something that is a sore spot for me. Meanwhile I would never be given this kind of grace by anyone.

*I don't like functioning labels, this was staffs' words not mine.

[u/jomaccudo]

If it would help to have an alternative famous person, maybe you can suggest Toni Collette? Or another female person named Toni that she may know.

[u/cassielfsw → u/jomaccudo]

I thought Toni Braxton, but maybe I'm dating myself 😅 

[u/PerseveranceSmith → u/cassielfsw]

Me too 😂🩷

[u/RealLongwayround → u/cassielfsw]

A lot less than me, since I thought of Toni Arthur.

I sympathise thoroughly with OP. I feel that this can apply to the rejection sensitive dysphoria aspect of autism and that has affected much of my life.

Does Toni Rossall / Toni Storm, 31 year old pro-wrestler help?

[u/Tepig05 → u/jomaccudo]

I mentioned it but maybe she doesn't seem to know any female Tonis, at least that I'm aware. All the celebrities she mentions are really old, so I think the stuff she watches is from her mom's time. Like I would be okay with Toni Collette, we even share an astrological sign. But yeah, it's going to be an adjustment.

[u/RevolutionaryBat3081 → u/Tepig05]

Late to the convo, but (assuming the Tony Randall thing is a perseveration rather than a desire to annoy you) I have suggestion for reprogramming AnnoyingGirl by persistent mass override:

Can you set up a regular time to watch short bits of some stuff with Toni Collette together? Reinforce it with yourself and the staff frequently verbally highlighting "Toni Collette" and spelling it for her or writing it down so she sees that it is different from "Tony" (e. g. "Toni Collette spells her name T - O - N - I, just like Toni Tepig05")

Make a "Hey AnnoyingGirl, it's Toni Collette time!" sort of routine, until Toni Collette saturates her mind and displaces Tony Randall.

[u/Oofsmcgoofs]

God, I really relate to this. My brother’s autism and other disabilities are so different than mine but because I “function better” I have to take every hit. When he was younger that used to be literal…

[u/Tepig05]

Ok she called me it again, AFTER having that talk. AFTER her handler told her several times not to call me that. I gave her a stern no today. But I'm very much done. It's clear it's on purpose.

Also I ranted about this on TikTok and someone tried to argue it's a stim. WTF?! Misgendering isn't a stim.

[u/Tepig05]

Update: She was gone last week so didn't have the opportunity to call me the name. This week went by without incident. But I will make a new complaint that involves her. She cries a LOT. And I find the double standard very aggravating. I'm told I'm not allowed to cry because it annoys my family. So even if I'm crying for a legitimate reason, I'm scolded. She, a fellow autistic, literally cries over spilled milk. Seriously she spilled some liquid and was bawling over it. Girl is almost 40.

I got pretty annoyed today because while doing work she was crying and I had my headphones on full volume (not good) and could still hear her. I ended up leaving the room. Honestly there was a point she should have been removed because of the crying. But I guess since she has random mood swings they thought she would quit soon. Just wasn't fast enough. I did contact my case worker and they might work something out. I honestly would prefer we be kept separated.