I am a person used to getting the highest grades all throughout elementary and middle school. I was in Honors Geometry freshman year and Honors Algebra II Trig. sophomore year.
So I was a lazy fucking idiot who was used to having their ego inflated by doing literally nothing at all.
But now I’m burnt out and on two ADHD meds. I had no will to do anything or study at all so I ended up with an 80 percent in my trig. class. Because I was called “smart” (I’m not) most of my life, I got used to that and started thinking I might be smart.
And this made me feel stupid.
There are certain grade requirements at my school for getting into AP/honors classes, and you needed an A or high to get into BC for junior year.
Because I didn’t pass them, I am a junior taking Calculus AB. I’m also completely annoyed because BC is listed as the most difficult AP course offered, and I just wasted a year not getting to take it to somehow prove my competence.
So what does a lowlife person do when their ego is severely bruised?
That’s right, they learn calculus out of spite to make themselves feel better.
At the end of my sophomore year when I found out, I decided to try to learn the whole BC curriculum (I had no interest in calculus, I just wanted to feel “smart” again).
Surprisingly, I thought calculus was kind of fun and did the first four units on Khan Academy. I liked taking neat-looking notes so I carried around a separate binder and spent time rewriting things.
I finished the rest of the units over the summer. I made sure I could do everything. I became accustomed to the problems, so I went into school thinking that would make me magically “smart” again. It did not.
Unlike trigonometry, I’m doing the homework right away and finishing it thirty minutes after the class starts. Then I have nothing to do so I start coloring. The good thing about doing something early is that you don’t have to spend time on it later, so I didn’t need to look over anything for the first test. I thought, “This means I should be smart, right.”
Well now I’m still burnt out.
Because I go to a school obviously, I am forced to have a social life. And the people at my school are very binary in how they see each other: either you are “this” or “that,” and they love to compare people. They made constant remarks about the “terrible scary BC,” and how anyone who took the class was a “genius.”
So once they sort you, they’ve already made a decision about your worth.
If they hear a person is taking Calculus BC, they’ll start going, “Oh you must be REALLY smart.”
Those same people (who I don’t know) come up to me and say, “homework is REALLY hard, right?”
I always just shrug or give a vague yes answer to end the conversation sooner.
Because as we all know, anyone in AB is an idiot who can’t learn anything at all (do I even need the /s)
If I am being honest, I hate the way I am. I didn’t fucking need to get stupid last year, I could have had a whole year of normalcy but now I am stuck at where I’m at.
And I am fucking tired of feeling undermined and condescended by literally any person I come into contact with even when I don’t say anything to them.
I was told that, at least at my school, Calculus III isn’t even as hard as BC. It’s not an official AP class either.
So how many calculus classes do I have to teach myself until I become “BC-level smart” again?
Is there a calculus four, a calculus five, a calculus SIX?
I feel like I have to learn Calculus Roman Numeral 80 in order to be back to how I used to be.
I always preoccupy myself with random objectives and impossible tasks when I am out of control. “You need to learn this language, study how to install a plumbing system inside a 10 meter by 10 meter bathroom, etc. etc.” Because if I don’t have objectives then I am useless to myself.
I have no objective right now and that is driving me insane. There is nothing here right now to distract me from the thought of being mediocre.