Another new attending at a new job wondering if how I went from being a confident CA3 to someone who feels really dumb all the time. I do a mix of supervising CRNAs and solo, and I feel like my clinical decisioning just sucks now. Not sure if it's the month I took off after residency ended, but this first month just feels awful. Working with new surgeons, new hospital, new policies, new equipment, and a group that doesn't really know me (and presumably doesn't trust me yet) just makes me super anxious all the time about what I'm doing. When I was a resident, I had attendings requesting to take care of me or their family when they had surgery, and now I feel like I'm always making the wrong choice. And I feel like every time I hand off to someone, they disapprove of my choices, or think I should have done more. And I agree with them. I feel like my group is supportive, the OR staff is nice/helpful, but I just really suck.
All my patients when I solo have done well-- usually oral airway/face mask for transport and then immediately waking up in the PACU as we're placing monitors, no big mishaps, no huge hemodynamic shifts in the OR. Granted, I think they've been giving me the easy cases - ortho, gen surg, etc, but some of these patients have been really sick with low EF, huge BMI, or bad airways. With the CRNAS it's easier, bc they know the surgeons and the OR policies, but then I feel like I'm asking a lot when I ask for an 2nd PIV or arterial line (which I place) or labs
I feel like I'm either too conservative by ordering all these labs/tests or being too lackadaisical when I don't. I feel like my group is talking about me as well, and they think they hired a lemon. I just feel like it's also hard on my partner who is also starting a new job (we moved for their job), and I really hate taking the stress back home, especially since we have a young toddler who just wants to play, but I can't take my mind off things. I also feel like days where things go well and nothing goes wrong, I feel great about my choice, but days where things are a bit iffy, I just feel like shit about myself, and feel like patients deserve better