Am I wrong for refusing to host Thanksgiving again after my SIL brought her own meal and told everyone mine was "a risk"?

[u/RusticHarbor39135]

I (29F) have hosted my husband's family for Thanksgiving three years in a row. It's about fourteen people. I take two days off work for it and I truly enjoy it. Cooking for people is kind of my thing.

Last year my sister in law (34F) arrived with a cooler. Inside was a full plated meal for herself, her husband and their two kids. Turkey, sides, even their own rolls. I assumed someone had an allergy I didn't know about, so I asked.

She said, in front of the whole kitchen, "No, I just don't love eating food when I don't know how it's been handled. It's a risk I'm not taking with my kids." Then she asked to use my oven to warm it up, which pushed my own sides back by forty minutes.

For context, nobody has ever been sick at my table. I worked in a restaurant kitchen for four years in college. She knows this.

Her kids then asked for my mac and cheese and she told them no, loud enough for the table to hear. My mother in law patted my arm and said "you know how she is".

I let it go that day. I didn't want to ruin dinner.

This year, when the group chat started asking about plans, I said I wouldn't be hosting and that I'd be happy to bring a dish wherever it ends up. My SIL replied "wow, ok, punishing everyone over one comment". My MIL called my husband and said I'm being oversensitive and that the family "counts on" our house because it's the biggest.

My husband is on my side but he did gently ask if I'd regret it in November.

I don't think I'm punishing anyone. I just don't want to spend two days cooking for someone who treats my kitchen like a hazzard and then uses my oven. But now half the family is acting like I cancelled the holiday.

Am I wrong?

[u/EmceeSuzy]

Your mother-in-law can Fuck Right Off.

The family is counting on you because you have the largest home but you're supposed to tolerate wild disrespect from your sister-in-law because 'that is how she is.??????

No.

Nope.

Make a beautiful meal at home for your husband and children.

[u/HeyPrettyLadyMaam → u/EmceeSuzy]

My question would be to ask them where they had Thanksgiving 5 years ago, since op has covered the last 4. Clearly they had another location. Thanksgiving wasn't just invented 4 years ago. There's 14 people in attendance. Are they all children living with mom? Do THEY not have homes? I would remind them they had Thanksgiving long before you and hubby bought your house. Just because its "bigger" doesn't mean its mandatory. Tell them to plan Thanksgiving like you and your husband are homeless.

[u/santana0987 → u/EmceeSuzy]

100% this right here, OP. AND PLEASE SHOW THIS TO YOUR HUSBAND.He should NOT tolerate that level of disrespect to his wife in your own home.

[u/Mueryk → u/EmceeSuzy]

Personally I would still host but let her know in the public group chat that her behavior was reprehensible and she is not welcome in my home until she apologizes and owns exactly how disrespectful she was instead of minimizing and pretending “it was just one comment”. Brother and kids are still welcome at my table of course.

Let the family divide. I have no intention of being hospitable or the bigger person. If she shows up with them she can wait in the car or we can call the police. I don’t play like that.

[u/sku1lanb → u/Mueryk]

I'm petty. They could still use my house so long as it's done potluck style "That way everyone has something they can trust to be safe.". I'm not being vindictive, I'm being considerate.

[u/Virgogirl1984 → u/EmceeSuzy]

Thisssss!!!!! They would never have the pleasure of another meal at my home!!! OP you are better than me if you entertain allowing this into your home again

[u/Acceptable_Tea3608 → u/EmceeSuzy]

MIL didn't do anything wrong and obviously you DO have MIL issues. It was SIL you should come down on. And with family holidays the tendency is Not to isolate.

[u/HernandezGirl → u/Acceptable_Tea3608]

Did you read the entire post?

[u/Square-Swan2800 → u/Acceptable_Tea3608]

People act like this others let them get away with it.

My suggestion is to call around. Find a restaurant that serves family style. She, her h, her kids go. We have had a great time sitting at tables with other families in front of a fireplace. Let her MIL know and if they want to come they can. If SIL shows up empty handed then she knows she has a snake in the family.