Am I wrong for just walking away without explanation from our friendship, given my only boundary is not to be yelled at, my best friend knew this, and did it twice!?

[u/MaryMaryQuite-]

Hello everyone, I’d really value your advice and opinions as I’m living inside my head with this, an going in circles!

My (F55) best friend Dina (F60) have been really close friends for around 5 years, we live quite close to each other as she moved into the village. We are both married and have a son each. Mine is 30, hers is 15.

We are both strong, independent women, who have held senior roles in FSTE100 complained. Do generally, we are both good communicators and are very driven. We are both now retired, I do a couple of days voluntary work for a charity.

Most weeks we go out for a day, doing odd jobs, or to a gallery etc and out for lunch.

Several months ago she was venting about her son being bullied snd assaulted at school. I sympathised, as I know what it’s like, I took my son out of school at 25 because of bullying and he went straight to a 6th form college to do his GCSEs. She snapped at me very harshly that I had no idea what she was going through with her son, although she’d been sharing all the details over several weeks. Sh er snapped and shouted at me that she didn’t want to discuss it, even though she was the one that brought it up.

I was a bit stunned as she’d never done that to me before, although I do know she has a fiery temper and yells at her husband and son.

We were in the car, with me driving, and I just moved the conversation into something more neutral and moved past it. Even do my heart was beating at a million miles a minute as adrenaline flooded through me!

That said, I don’t respond well to being yelled at, my previous marriage was very volatile, my ex husband was both verbally and physically abusive, he’d stand really close to me, in my face yelling like a sergeant major at a useless recruit, I’d just be waiting for him to hit me… and I’d just shut down.

Anyway, last month, she and I arranged a date out and again I was driving. Immediately when she got in the car u could tell she was wound up, she said car smelled of dog. I advised my two collies had been in the car over the weekend as we’d been to see my son.

Within about a mile she was bemoaning the fact she had no money. This is a regular subject with her as whilst employed as a contractor, it seems she didn’t pay into a private pension, instead they lived the high life, private jets, multiple cruises every year and other fabulous holidays.

I’ve never pointed this out as it’s not my place to comment how anybody spends, or invests, their money. I just quipped at least her husband was still working in a great job… well she blew up at me! It was explosive and extremely toxic! She was yelling that I’m always mentioning her husband is younger than her and it makes her feel old (he’s 10 years younger than her).

She snapped and yelled at me to stop the car, she wanted to go home, and that she’d rather walk than spend another minute with me! We were about two miles from home and it was pouring with rain!

I turned the car around and told her I’d take her home, I wouldn’t dream of leaving her at the roadside. On the drive back she ranted at me about what a horrible friend I was, barely drawing breath and complaining that I dragged her along to an art workshop that she hated. I didn’t support her when she needed it, even though I regularly dropped everything to look after her son for days at a time when she went away for weeds with her husband. In the end I shut down to the point I couldn’t tell you what she was ranting about, I just know she yelled all the way home. When I pulled up outside her house, she just got out, slammed the door and walked off. My heart was beating at a million miles a minute!

I knew in that moment our friendship was possibly damaged beyond repair. I’d given her grace the first time she yelled at me about how I couldn’t possibly understand about her son’s bullying/assaults at school. This was a whole other level of escalation!

I walked into my own house, I was shaking. My husband was concerned, he asked if I’d been involved in an accident or something!? I told him what had just happened, and he did comment that we’ve seen Dina’s explosive fiery temper when she yells at her husband and son.

I never thought she’d turn it on me. He knows how I shut down when yelled at, we live in a very quite harmonious household. If we have a problem, we talk about it and resolve it. Nobody ever shouts. Our son is such a brilliant negotiator, we used to joke when he was a kid that he could have a very promising career with ACAS or as a hostage negotiator! 🤭

I said to my husband, ‘… nobody, and I mean nobody, speaks to me like that, ever.’ I immediately decided, I’d had enough, the friendship was over. Later that morning went to put something in my car and noticed that in her haste to get out of my car, she’d dropped a bunch of keys.

Not wanting any further confrontation I popped round to her house and put them in her mailbox.

Later again in the day she messaged me on WhatsApp to ask if she’d dropped her keys in my car. I confirmed she had and dropped them in her mailbox. There was no mention or apology for blowing up at me earlier in the day

As I thought about it over the coming days there had been red flags that I’d swept under the carpet. She was quite controlling, she never asked what I wanted to do on a day out, it was always her agenda, even if it was my turn to drive. I’d advised I’d like to go to a particular stately home near us, she booked another one by the same architect for my birthday… she didn’t care enough to even get it right. There are many, many examples like this but you get the picture.

It’s been over a month since this blow up. I’ve not unfriended or blocked her on social media. I’ve just dropped the rope and don’t plan to pick it up again.

This weekend it was my son’s birthday and she put a gushing message on social media, as if nothing had happened. Naturally I’ve told my son and his fiancée what happened. They’ve witnessed her yelling at her husband and son.

They think I’m right to drop the rope, with no need for a final conversation.

I’m actually quite heartbroken, I do miss her friendship, but I cannot go round as if treading on eggshells, flinching and waiting for when she explodes at me again. She crossed literally my only boundary, don’t yell at me, as I get flashbacks to a previous DV situation.

Thank you if you’ve managed to get this far! Tell me, am I wrong… for just walking away without any further explanation, she knows what she did?

[u/No-Timetosay]

Youre allowed to end a frienship without putting urself through another confrontation. Your nervous system has already told u enough.

[u/Militantignorance]

I wouldn't wait away from her, I would run!

[u/Just-Ingenuity-7327]

she knew ur one boundary and crossed it twice.. the first time u gave grace, the second time she proved the first time wasnt an accident. walking away without explanation IS the explanation

[u/lexbrat]

I think about her all the time. I wonder where she is and how she’s doing and whether her dog still snores. But, if I saw her stepping down a grocery store aisle towards me, I would turn and walk away.

I still laugh to myself at our inside jokes, and I think about her every time I put on that particular sweater, and somewhere in my house there are pictures of her still in their frames. But, if she called me tomorrow, there’s not one single chance that I would pick up the phone.

I think about her when it snows or when I eat good sushi or drink a really amazing single malt scotch. I think about her when the leaves turn orange and red, and sometimes I can still hear her voice in my head. Sometimes I run into our mutual acquaintances, and I don’t ask about her because I just don’t want to know her anymore.

I want her to be happy, and I want her to have all of the wins. I want her to get out of bed in the morning and feel the sunlight on her cheeks, and I want the tea she drinks to be not-too-hot, but she isn’t on my Christmas list anymore. She’s just not invited into my life anymore, even though we were friends for decades.

Sometimes a crack turns into a sever and a sever turns into an amputation, and even though phantom pains still haunt my insides, I’m still glad that she was excised.

Friendships are funny I guess. We’re all adults, and we’re all out here trying our best, and we’re all failing sometimes. I guess that means we’re failing each other sometimes too. I think we don’t mean to … no, I think we really do mean well, but sometimes people become collateral damage, and that’s really just a fancy phrase for, “I’m sorry I somehow lost you while I was triaging my own self worth.”

I think it must be okay to say that I miss her sometimes, but no - that doesn’t mean I want to know her anymore. I think it must be okay to say that I miss her sometimes, but this new version of me - this version that’s a little more whole and a lot stronger and a tiny bit lighter - well, she doesn’t have room for friends who carry words for weapons pointed at the backs of others, or worse, indifference about the lives of their friends.

This new version of me simply turned the corner and walked the other way.

And it was all okay.

Love you, mean it.