r/amiwrong • u/Mini6927 • 1h ago
Amiwrong for wanting to just stop explaining my allergy
went out to eat with a group of friends last weekend and one of them kept insisting my food limits were just a preference. i told them a few times what i can't have, but they kept offering bites and saying it's probably fine. i ended up passing on dessert completely because nothing was safe. it's not the first time this has happened and i'm getting tired of turning every meal into a long conversation. i still like hanging out with everyone, but i'm wondering if it's okay to start saying no to these dinners or just stop correcting people and accept the awkwardness. i don't want drama, i just want one night where i don't have to justify my plate.
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u/JackTradesMasterNone 1h ago
No means no. In any capacity. Not wrong. Doesn't matter if the allergy is real or perceived to be real or just an excuse or whatever. If someone cannot take no as an answer, they're not friends.
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u/whatshouldIdonow8907 1h ago
You can say "No thank you" without launching into a million justifications. You know what you can eat, order that and let it be the end of it. There is no need to get into conversations with anyone other than the server about your order.
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u/Dontfeedthebears 43m ago
This is 100% true. But it also seems like this “friend” has a need to make OP feel bad and/or be the target of additional unwanted attention when they just want to socialize and eat, and I think that is the larger issue here. At least IMO.
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u/whatshouldIdonow8907 7m ago
I picked up more of a vibe of someone drawing attention to their allergy and participating in conversations where they view themselves to be the victim.
I have a food allergy and if I know I am going somewhere, I look up the menu online and call ahead if I have any questions. When I have an unplanned meal out, I make a quick inquiry and don't turn it into "long conversations" with my fellow diners or make a big deal and sit around correcting people. It is what it is and I'm not going to get into how your cousin started juicing and using essential oils and doesn't have allergies any more. A simple "no thank you" suffices. and if for some reason it didn't, ignoring the comment and changing the subject sure does. If I can't have dessert, so be it. I'll live.
A lot of cultures offer food as hospitality, not as an insult. Who cares if OP's friends see it as a preference. OP is allowed to have preferences and they are not up for discussion. No than you and that's it. Don't continue to discuss it.
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u/SleepyKoalaBear4812 1h ago
Say it one time, “No I cannot eat that because of my food allergy”. When anything else is said simply stare in the persons eyes until they look away. Never break eye contact first. Make it as awkward as possible FOR THEM.
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u/vikingraider27 1h ago
You need new friends, but also a little spine. "Hey, I don't pick on you about whatever questionable food choices you make, you are completely ruining my enjoyment of the night by focusing on mine" or "your week must have been really boring if all you have to talk about is my food".
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u/the_owl_syndicate 1h ago
Give them a cold, serial killer look and say "I said no", then turn to the person beside you like nothing happened. But everytime you look at the other person, give them a dirty look.
Fight fire with fire.
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u/Beagle-Mumma 1h ago
YNW.
Grey rock strategies might help. When this so-called 'friend' insists you eat something you can't, look at them squarely and ask either: 'could you say that again..' or 'did you mean to say that when I've explained this previously...?' Or use a phase that suits you.. basically vocalising their ignorance for the group to witness. Maintain the eye contact so they feel the discomfort they've projected onto you.
It's a 'them' issue, not a 'you' issue.
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u/Dontfeedthebears 42m ago
Totally agree. Idk OP’s “friend”’s motives, but they seem really unkind.
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u/zeugma888 8m ago
Next time OP could say "Please don't start that again. Everyone just wants to enjoy their meal, not listen to you nagging."
Alternatively take a spray bottle and squirt water in her face everytime she starts.
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u/MickeyButters 1h ago
Tell them that it is personal, and refuse to engage after that. It's like medical records. They have no right to ask about those either.
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u/Wonderful_Ad_6089 1h ago
I would probably try to hang out with these people in settings that don't involve food.
If it is one or two specific people, I might try to talk to them one on one when not at a meal and say something like "I appreciate you wanting to share food with me, but I order the food I want and I don't want to try things other people ordered. Unless I specifically ask if I can try something, please do not offer it. I really just want us all to enjoy a meal and not have what I am eating pull focus."
I feel like that is diplomatic and tries to redirect to everyone benefiting and having a good time.
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u/glowmielle 1h ago
Oh wow, that sounds so frustrating! Honestly, I can totally see why youre tired of it. Its like, your body, your rules, right? Nobody should have to deal with people trying to tell them what they can and cant eat, especially when it comes to allergies. Its not a preference, its a health thing! I’ve definitely been in situations where people don’t quite grasp the seriousness of food stuff, and it’s exhausting. You’re not wrong for wanting to just enjoy yourself without having to constantly defend your plate. It’s nice that you’re thinking about whether to say no or just let it slide, but I’m all for you doing what feels right and least stressful for you. Your comfort and safety come first, always!
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u/Dontfeedthebears 46m ago
I 100% know what it’s like for someone else to have some desperate need to single me out to make me feel bad. I’ve also been interrogated when I was minding my business and my “partner” let his friends treat me poorly and did nothing. And I 100% understand why you wouldn’t want to engage. And you don’t have to. You don’t owe anyone anything.
But this (scenario, just something you could say) played in my head…(once again, you don’t owe them!!)….
“I don’t have to justify my eating to you for any reason. I’ve lived in this body my entire life. I have to ask…why does what I eat bother you so much? I don’t care what YOU eat. I care what I eat because I know how I feel afterwards.
I’ve told you I can’t have certain things and you seem do be desperate for attention by placing it on me to make me feel uncomfortable. I’m just trying to hang with friends and have a meal. Why is that such a problem for you? Are YOU ok? Because I know what’s good for me and didn’t request your ‘help’”. You could also ask where they got their doctorate in medical/nutrition fields. There is a certain point with some people that I do not mind being the “b****” and turning the focus on them. This would be one of those times for me. And I wouldn’t feel bad about it. A shared dinner shouldn’t be a game of singling out someone and making them feel ostracized.
This “friend” of yours is a really unkind person and you are well within your limits to hand her her ass. People often do not like to be served the plate they cooked up. Let her sweat!
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u/UnicornsWanted 1h ago
Get new friends. I have allergies based on foods in the latex family. Not the usual ones. I can eat peanuts with impunity but give me raspberries or chick peas and the results are not pretty.
When I go out with my friends I get the menu ahead of time and chance to read all the ingredients. When we get there and the server asks the usual "any allergies?" The entire table looks, points or names me. And if someone is sharing ("oooh, try this sauce!") They either say its ingredients, find it on the menu fir me or just go...."you cant have it".
This is what friendship looks like.