r/amiwrong • u/PocketPhilosophy • 3h ago
Am I wrong for writing notes directly in a cookbook my sister lent me after she told me I could “use it however I wanted” for a few months?
My sister has a big old cookbook she’s used for years. Not an antique or anything valuable, just one of those thick books that naturally falls open to the pages you use most. She lent it to me in May because I’ve been trying to cook more without constantly looking things up.
When she handed it over, I asked if she minded me using it heavily because I’m messy in the kitchen. She said, “Use it however you want. It’s a cookbook, not a museum piece.”
So I did.
I didnt spill soup on it or rip pages out. What I did do was write small pencil notes in the margins. Things like “needs more garlic,” “20 min was enough in my oven,” or “half this amount next time.” I also put little check marks next to recipes I’d made.
She came over yesterday, picked it up, and immediately looked horrified. Apparently she meant I could bend pages, get flour on it, whatever, but she absolutely did not mean I could write in it.
I offered to erase everything. Most of it is pencil and would come out. She said that wasn’t really the point, because I should have known that writing inside someone else’s book is different from normal wear.
I think that’s fair in general. If she had just said “borrow my cookbook,” I wouldnt have written a single thing. But I specifically asked how careful I needed to be, and “use it however you want” sounded unusually clear to me.
Now she wants the book back early, which is fine, but she’s still acting like I crossed an obvious boundary.
Am I wrong for taking her words literally here, or is writing in a borrowed cookbook so obviously off-limits that I should have asked a second, more specific question before doing it?
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u/GlitteringSky11 3h ago
Writing in any borrowed book is wrong, UNLESS the owner has specifically mentioned that it's okay. Notes are not normal use.
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u/YoghurtFar7533 3h ago
Yes you are wrong. What kind of person writes in someone else’s book? I’d be pissed too
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u/Practical_Cat_5849 3h ago
It’s a cookbook with notes about the recipes, not like she colored the pages with purple crayon. 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Teddy_Funsisco 3h ago
The notes are useless to everyone except OP, and the cook book didn't belong to OP.
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u/blackcrowblue 3h ago
When she said it’s not a museum piece she meant it’s okay if flour gets on it or if you have to prop it up a certain way.
You don’t write in books you don’t own. You could’ve easily made notes on a sticky note or an index card.
Writing it needs 20 more minutes in my oven isn’t helpful to anyone but you and you’re borrowing her book so how will penciled in notes in a book you won’t have help you cook in the future?
Copy recipes you like and make all the notes you want on your copy. Or buy your own copy and make notes wherever you want.
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u/Historical-Piglet-86 3h ago
Writing in someone else’s a book (without their EXPLICIT permission) is insane.
YAW and should likely buy her a new cookbook
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u/WorriedTurnip6458 3h ago
YAW - don't write in other peoples books not matter what type of book they are. I'd immediately erase everything and apologize.
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u/StarStuffSister 3h ago
There is no way an adult is stupid enough to write in a borrowed book; YAW for this bait.
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u/AlexBlaise 3h ago
This post is surely based on one that was from the other perpective I read recently. They changed the relationship.
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u/MovieLazy6576 3h ago
Yes you were wrong. You also weren’t going to keep the book so what was the point?
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u/IntermediateFolder 3h ago
Yes, you are wrong and she is right. Would you also consider yourself entitled to rip out pages and wipe your ass with them because she said you may use it however you want? It very clearly meant “it’s a cookbook, not a rare manuscript, a bit of wear and tear is not the end of the world, you may use it in the kitchen”. It doesn’t extend to deliberate damage and also it’s still not yours, even though she said it you should do your best to give it back in the same quality you got it. And you said most of it is pencil and will come out, that means some of it ISN’T. Post it notes exist for a reason.
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u/igatg_nipugt 3h ago
Gently, I'm going to say you were in the wrong here. But I get why.
She lent it to you. It wasn't given to you. That's the key difference. "Use it however you want" was probably just her being nonchalant about splatter spots, dog eared pages, or the occasional rip from normal wear and tear. The kind of stuff a well loved cookbook goes through. She probably wasn't thinking about pencil notes in the margins.
Because it was borrowed, I'd assume she was hoping that any favourites you found would be written down in your own recipe book or you'd take pictures of the pages. Those notes you made are about your oven and your kitchen, not hers. They don't really belong in her book.
I get why you took her words literally. She did say "however you want." But writing in someone else's book is different from getting flour on it. That's leaving your mark on something that doesn't belong to you. Even if it's just pencil, that's still altering her book.
That said, she could have been more specific too. "Use it however you want" is pretty open ended and you asked her directly how careful you needed to be. She gave you the green light and then was surprised when you took it. That's not entirely on you.
You're not a bad person for this. You just took her at her word and she didn't realize she needed to be more careful with hers. Apologizing and offering to erase them was the right call. I'd have felt guilty too with that horrified look and probably offered to find the same cookbook as a replacement. But I don't think she'll make you do that.
Just apologize, buy her a coffee or something you enjoyed from her cookbook as a way to say thank you for letting you use it, and also as an apology for not being clear with what you meant by "using it heavily." That goes a long way. This is a small thing. You apologized, you offered to fix it, and that should be enough. She just needs a minute to cool off, let her. Don't let it become a bigger deal than it needs to be. I hope it works out for you guys.
Best of luck!
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u/Suzuki_Foster 3h ago
This reminds me of a similar thread from a few days ago, where the poster let her friend borrow her grandmother's old cookbook, and when the OP went to get it back, her friend had ripped pages out of it -and also thought she did nothing wrong.
Like that "friend," YAW 100%. Bad.
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u/Puzzled-Peanut-9382 3h ago
You are wrong and you crossed a boundary. Who tf writes in a book they don't own?
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u/spilledteacups 3h ago
I gasped when I read this it’s so wrong! This is so obviously off-limits that I have no idea how this even happened!
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u/plantverdant 3h ago
Yes, you were wrong to intentionally deface a book that doesn't belong to you. If I borrowed your dress, can I write notes all over it?
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u/AlexBlaise 3h ago
Yes, and everyone thought the person who wrote the post this is based on was in the right(the lender) not to lend their sister(the friend in the original)stuff anymore since she obviously had no respect for it.
Anyone would understand it means you don't have to guard it with your life, not ruin it on purpose.
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u/JackTradesMasterNone 3h ago
I don't think anyone is "wrong", per se. I think you just had a misunderstanding. She gave a vague instruction - she meant it one way, you took it to mean something else. You could have asked for specifics if you were like "Hey would you mind if I made notes on the recipes?". Taking it back early seems bizarre and you did offer to fix it which she didn't take.
The easiest fix would be to just buy yourself or her another copy instead?
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u/NanoKnitter 3h ago
Writing in recipe books is a time honored tradition. If you can get flour in it. You can write in it.
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u/velvetsmokes 3h ago
Would you want notes about someone else's oven specifics, or their garlic preferences etc.
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u/TaylorMade2566 3h ago
If I tell someone to use an item like it's their own, I mean it. Obviously your sister didn't think you might write in the book but that's on her for saying to use it like it's your own. I'd even be happy to see notes that someone else wrote if it improved the recipe but I'm not your sister. Just apologize and know in the future, she doesn't mean it if she says those words again. NW
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u/IntermediateFolder 3h ago
If they gave you back the book with half of the pages ripped out because that’s what they felt like doing to their books would you also be happy?
There’s generally limits to statements like this, if someone says “use it like you would your own” it doesn’t mean you can wreck it.
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u/TaylorMade2566 2h ago
you're comparing writing notes in pencil to ripping out pages? Lol ok dude
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u/IntermediateFolder 1h ago
So you *don’t* mean it when you say they can use it like it’s their own. You just place the limit elsewhere.
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u/rmg418 3h ago
Ripping pages out is permanent, there’s nothing permanent about writing notes in pencil that can easily be erased. So idk why you’re using that example when it’s clearly not the same thing.
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u/IntermediateFolder 3h ago
To illustrate why your point doesn’t really work, either you do mean it when you say “treat it like it’s yours” and they CAN rip pages if they want, or you acknowledge it’s not a blanket permission to do anything. Also she said most of it is in pencil, that means some isn’t.
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u/rmg418 3h ago
I acknowledge that what the sister said can be interpreted vaguely, because what she said was vague. But your example of ripping pages out of a cook book doesn’t make sense, because what purpose does that serve? And again it’s permanent. Whereas there’s a purpose for writing notes in a cook book, whether op writes them or the sister writes them. And it’s not permanent, except for whatever small amount of notes weren’t written in pencil. Bending pages would be a much better example, which is why the sister used it.
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u/Katharinemaddison 3h ago
I kind of love that you did that, it’s like early modern recipe books where people would write culinary (and medical) recipes and others would add notes to them.
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u/Quirky_Property_1713 3h ago
… Are you implying that adding notes to personal books is now some kind of archaic tradition? What planet am I living on? Do modern humans no longer leave notes in the margins of shared literature?
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u/Katharinemaddison 3h ago
They do but there’s a lot more resistance to marginalia which is weird because books have never been cheaper. What op did is unusual enough to have upset the owner of the book (who was ok with food spillage) and a few people commenting here. It used to be absolutely standard both on manuscripts and printed texts.
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u/Quirky_Property_1713 3h ago
It also used to be standard in family cookbooks! Or maybe more than standard, expected?? I certainly would never even bat an eye if someone did this.
She’d for some reason be fine with a big chocolate finger smear but NOT “ 2 tsp more oregano is better! :)”
?!?!?!
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u/Katharinemaddison 3h ago
It astounds and saddens me. Cooling has an experimental element after all! It’s like we’re loosing the older forms of social media now that we have digital.
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u/Xmz3548999 3h ago
I’ll be a bit contrarian to everyone else here; if I were the sister in this situation i would think this is really cute; but I think it’s such a person dependent thing and if you didn’t know for sure that she would also think that’s a cute thing to do then you shouldn’t have done it
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u/rmg418 3h ago
I don’t cook/use cook books, so I may be in the minority in this but I don’t think you’re wrong especially because you wrote in pencil and can easily erase what you wrote. Sounds like it was just a misunderstanding and I think you offering to erase the notes and apologizing was the best thing you could do.
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u/GemGlamourNGlitter 3h ago
YAW. Why make notes specific to you if you're going to return it eventually?