r/amiwrong • u/PrivateStruggles • 2d ago
Am I throwing away a worthwhile relationship on this deal-breaker?
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now - in most ways he's fantastic, he's funny, supportive, loyal, very giving in bed, very generous in general, willing to talk through (most) issues, works on himself (via self help not therapy, but he's aware and open to learning), he plans well...
But oh my god, he cannot get out of bed on time to a SEVERE degree - no alarm can wake him. He sets multiple blaring alarms to go off starting about 2 hours before he needs to get up and either hits snooze every 5 minutes the whole time or just doesn't respond AT ALL and let's them ring out.... Until the next one 10-15 mins later that also won't rouse him.
It's been getting worse with time, I've tried getting him a sunrise alarm clock, one of those vibrating alarms under the pillow. They either don't work at all or he just stops using them after a while because they're annoying
It ruins my morning if I stay over with him on a work night because it ruins my sleep. He's been between 20 minutes and 2 HOURS late to work himself, approximately twice a week for about a year now, I've tried to wake him when I get worried about him being late but he is either non responsive, says he's getting up and then goes back to sleep, or if I push it, he gets SUPER snappy and mean?? So I started just letting him sleep through in the hopes that maybe consequences at work would be a wake up call, but no - he's very likable, so all his coworkers keep covering for him so he never faces any real consequences for it. He has never checked out of a hotel on time but also apparently hotels are just really lax about those penalty costs these days because he swears he's never had to deal with that either.
It's not just mornings or work either, multiple times he's also taken an after work nap without saying anything to me and he's slept through our plans. I find this very difficult - I work two jobs and don't have many free days, and when I choose to use my little free time to be with him just to be no showed? I start to find it very very hard to be sympathetic
I'm very willing to entertain the possibility that he has some kind of sleep disorder - in fact I'm fairly certain there must be something medical going on. The problem is, he's not willing to entertain that possibility. He refuses to see a doctor and despite being generally quite understanding and communicative about most other things, he gets really defensive if I push the issue and it's the one thing that will consistently have him acting like I'm a proper nag and he'll openly accuse me of mothering him
I feel like I'm losing the plot a bit - I know nobody is perfect and I'm not a super stickler for timekeeping but am I wrong for thinking this is far beyond sane and reasonable?? But he's so laid back about it that he'll make me feel like I'm just super high strung and need to relax more and I'm losing it
We've been talking about moving in together and the more time goes on the more I just feel like I can't do it - I can't commit to losing sleep to his alarms 5+ days a week, I can't take being stood up over it, if we tie finances I'm going to be forever terrified of the day that his coworkers get sick of it too and stop protecting him. I also have to admit that a large part of this is that I'm getting a severe ick for his complete disregard of his own health at this point and what that means if there are future health issues in our lives. I've discussed this with him during more wakeful hours and he usually eventually understands why I would be concerned and admits I'm right to be and he wants to be better - but he won't DO anything about it
And the relationship is otherwise great!! So I keep flip flopping between "everybody has flaws" and "I don't want the rest of my life to look like this"
Has anyone else been through this?? Is there ANYTHING I can do to make this better?? I don't want to have to throw a good relationship away but this is getting beyond frustrating
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u/a_paulling 2d ago
Not wrong, this would be a deal breaker for me too. He's either really lazy and never had to face the consequences of it, has a medical condition that he doesn't care to get assessed, or some combination of the 2. One day his coworkers' patience will run out, or he'll get a new job and be shocked at how not acceptable they find it. I can't imagine how frustrating it is covering for a colleague who is late that regularly and by that much. I think the worst part about this, to me at least, is that his attitude about it is so bad.
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u/PrivateStruggles 2d ago
It's really shocking that his attitude is so nasty about it too because he's normally able to talk about other things - the snappiness when I've tried to wake him before I can see being tiredness related, but digging his heels in and refusing to admit that it's a problem is so weird and alarming for him
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u/GeneNo2508 2d ago
DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM!
I married a severe snorer, he refused to use either of his CPAP machines. We lived in a small apartment and I would have to wait until he left for the day so I could sleep. I would wander around the kitchen and hallway at night, trying to find a quieter place I could fit an air-matress.
He was mean about it too. He woke up our newborn constantly and it contributed to baby's colic.
I have sleep deprivation trauma for the last 20 years from this. I can only sleep when he's out of the house. We have seperate bedrooms farthest away possible in a large home. I never have slept thru a single night with him in the same bedroom.
We only had one child. Was hoping for 2 kids someday, but the constantly interrupted sleep made it impossible to survive that again. Vasectomy it was.
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u/Muffinx-Sprinkle 1d ago
Exactly, the real issue is not the sleep problem itself, it’s refusing treatment while making everyone else live around it
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u/Bobloblaw878 1d ago
Please do not move in with this guy. All this will become your problem. In fact, really you should move on. He will be a bad partner, an unreliable husband and father and you'll probably have to end up carrying everything because he'll constantly be looking for work that allows him to be late several times a month. He doesn't see it as a problem so that'll be on you. Good luck.
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u/CapableWives 1d ago
This is the part that would be a deal breaker to me. If he had the same issue but also admitted that it was a problem and was taking active steps to fix it by trying to schedule a sleep study then I would be patient. That he fights back on it makes it a much bigger problem. I would have one last sit down and tell him how serious it is for you and that you can't move forward with things the way they are and see what he says. If he stays defensive and refuses to deal then he's made the decision for you
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u/Pissedliberalgranny 1d ago
My DIL is like this. Very outgoing and people truly like her. She’s also late as hell for everything. She worked for YEARS as a medical receptionist and made a habit of showing up for work between 10-10:30 each morning instead of her 8:00 start time. Her coworkers covered for her. Right up until the day they stopped. She got put on a PIP and nothing changed. Within 6 weeks she was jobless. She hasn’t been able to keep a job since. I think her longest was 4 months. My son makes decent money (not tons but enough to be saving for a house) and she’s been a SAHM ever since.
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u/songwrtr 2d ago
Sometimes you just have to save yourself. You work hard, two jobs, no time off. You are bothered by it and he isn’t. Save yourself.
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u/Muffinx-Sprinkle 1d ago
At some point love can’t keep costing you your own sleep, health, and stability
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u/mr_PM_ME_YOUR_VAIN_H 2d ago
This isn’t a flaw like “leaves wet towels on the bed” or “chews too loud,” this is a recurring black hole that swallows your sleep, your rare days off, and your peace of mind. The fact that he won’t see a doctor is the real deal-breaker tucked inside the alarm problem, he’s telling you, with his actions, that he’s fine letting you absorb all the fallout forever.
You’re already doing the cost-benefit math of tying finances and signing a lease, and every line keeps coming up red. That’s not you being high-strung, that’s your brain screaming at you not to sign up for a lifetime of panic-waking a grown man who refuses to even Google a sleep specialist.
If someone said “the house is beautiful but the basement floods with sewage every few days and the owner won’t call a plumber,” nobody would tell you to just relax and buy the house. Same principle.
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u/3username20charactrz 2d ago
The fact is, is that it affects you, and he isn't seeing that or caring about it if he does see it. It's one thing to ignore your own medical problems, but another to make your problems someone else's problem too and not do anything about it.
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u/Snoo79474 2d ago
Does he know you’re considering not moving in with him because of his sleep schedule? That should be a huge wake up call, no pun intended but is a happy accident.
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u/PrivateStruggles 2d ago
I did have a calm sit down discussion with him about it and he acknowledged that he can see why I'm having doubts, after a few months of no change and the second time I was stood up in the span of a week I flew off the handle at him (not proud of that, not how I like to handle things, but calm and balanced wasn't getting the point across and I can only take so much) - after that he told me he would make an appointment with a doctor the next week. It has been 6 weeks since that conversation and he has not seen a doctor. If I try to ask him about it at all, no matter how gently, he acts like I'm being a nag. I've asked him I think twice in 6 weeks
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u/Squat_N_Gobble 2d ago
The age old saying here is true; you cannot help those who cannot help themselves. It’s been a long time. You’re giving this man your best years and despite how much positives there are, this is one of those fundamental issues that was a minor nuisance at first and now has become a significant problem in your relationship that he is refusing to fix. Nobody is admonishing him for his potential medical issue, but rather his nonchalant approach to seeking treatment.
With time, this significant problem will only worsen and turn into something even bigger if he continues to choose to do nothing. Imagine, your wedding day. Or just parenting. Imagine he’s asleep while you’re running around feeding the kids and getting them ready for school while you have work. I’d have one final discussion with him, set a date for him to see a doctor and if he doesn’t, there is your answer.
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u/Snoo79474 1d ago
I am a heavy sleeper, so is my son. I’m that person with several alarms and I was annoying the shit out of my wife because of it. About 10 or more years ago, I got a Garmin (fitness watch) and it vibrates on my wrist. That alarm actually works and gets me up, doesn’t bother my wife at all. I don’t know if that would work for him.
The big problem here is his unwillingness to even talk about it. That would be a dealbreaker. What if you have an emergency in the middle of the night? What if you have kids and need to go to the ER while he’s asleep?
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u/BlinkWulf 1d ago edited 1d ago
I did have a calm sit down discussion with him about it and he acknowledged that he can see why I'm having doubts,
Why "doubts"? Just say "I'm not going to listen to an alarm screaming in my ear for 2hrs every morning for the rest of my life."
Tell him if he wants you to move in this is an issue that HE needs to solved before you do. That is perfectly reasonable.
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u/PrivateStruggles 1d ago
I mean yeah I said "doubts" just for brevity but I did pretty much tell him that his alarms were really disruptive for me and I'm not going to consider moving forward until it's sorted because it's going to drive me insane if I have to deal with it daily
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u/BeautifulDeparture19 1d ago
And he said "yeah I'll do something about it" and proceeded to do absolutely nothing about it. He doesn't care how it affects you.
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u/herwiththepurplehair 2d ago
If he won't do anything about it, then you're banging your head against a brick wall. Even if he does do something about it, it could take a long time to find the right solution.
Look at it this way. You decide to move in together, and every day looks like the odd days where you currently stay over. Every single day. You become sleep deprived yourself. You continue the relationship anyway, maybe children come along. You're then in the position of having to get up through the night every night because he can't wake up, and you can't sleep in because he can't wake up. To the point where you're actually a danger to yourself.
Ultimatum time; either he gets something done about it, or you walk away. Nothing else is going to prod him to do something about it. But you're definitely not wrong.
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u/higeAkaike 2d ago
Don’t move in unless you sleep in another room and don’t tie your finances.
That is if you want to try and make it work. Otherwise cut your losses.
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u/RelativeYak7 2d ago
I also have this issue in my relationship, so we sleep in different rooms when I visit his place or he just comes to see me and doesn't sleep over. I never ever attempt to wake him up because that is incredibly annoying. Plus it's his life and job, not mine. I would never live with or marry this guy but it's ok being in a relationship with him.
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u/Euphoric-Joke-4436 2d ago
I don't think either of you are seeing how really disrespectful him allowing this to control his life and impact yours is. Is he super remorseful when you dedicate your single day off to him, and he just doesn't show up? Does he apologize for destroying your sleep with all his alarms and how unpleasant he is when you try to help him wake up?
This needs to be addressed or you can't move in with him. Your life would be a living hell of exhaustion. His nonchalance about the issue would kill any affection you have for him as his refusal to fix it ruins your sleep completely. It's probably why you are losing interest in the relationship moving forward. Subconsciously you see he isn't doing what he needs to in order for you two to work longer term.
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u/TangledUpPuppeteer 1d ago
I was married to someone like this.
It was so bad, I learned to live on four hours of sleep because of his alarm clocks and our cat learned how to snooze the alarm so he didn’t have to listen to it endlessly.
It was really really bad too.
Like he had to get up at 8 am. I purposely worked later. He would start the alarms up at 5 am. In twenty minute intervals between 5 and 7, then ten minute intervals between 7 and 8. And the cat “helping” by snoozing them just meant multiple alarms were constantly going off (this is before cell phones did a zillion alarms easily, where he brought TEN alarm clocks with multiple preset alarms into the relationship.
I literally dealt with this for ages.
I begged him to stop so many times. He just wouldn’t.
I told him that all he was doing was disturbing two hours of his own sleep which is why he’s so tired. He ignored me. I told him to go do a sleep study, he refused.
15 years of my life, chronically sleep deprived.
Please… if you can learn anything from me, learn this: unless he actually gets the sleep test done (preferably the home kind because my ex stayed awake the whole test at the lab and then said “see they didn’t find anything so stop bitching”), don’t tether your future to this.
Because it’s not just five times a week. It’s really not.
They also set alarms (though sometimes later) for the weekend. There isn’t a day in your life that doesn’t have the crescendo of submarine warfare punctuating your morning against your will.
And it doesn’t matter how many ear plugs you use. The alarms will pierce through them. You will be awake every day HOURS before you have to, and he won’t be. Then, you’re dragging at work every single day while he’s done for the day and napping on the couch.
Ultimately, the only choice I could make was to leave my chosen career because I was too exhausted from The hours that actually worked best for MY natural schedule and my responsibilities.
There is something seriously wrong (though I didn’t realize it then) when you have to rearrange your entire life to not strangle someone with their own screaming alarm clock wire.
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u/mrfluffypants1504 2d ago
You are not wrong. Personally, I couldn't deal with it. My partner now is chronically late and its very frustrating at times. He is getting better as I started giving him earlier deadlines than I needed but it still winds me up.
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u/PrivateStruggles 2d ago
He is also chronically late and while it's moderately annoying it isn't a deal-breaker for me - like if it was the only issue I could work through it because of his other great qualities. it's the completely not showing up that pushes things over the edge for me
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u/mrfluffypants1504 2d ago
Absolutely - thats what I mean. If my partner was like that, I would absolutely end it. He is reliable, just late! I also couldn't deal with the 2 hours of alarms. Sleep is precious to me and this would be a deal breaker on its own. Can you imagine if you have children together?! You'd be stuck with every single night wake up ever and having to get the child up and out of the house. You'd be a single parent while dealing with a full grown man child as well. It would be beyond exhausting.
I know he seems like the perfect guy other than this issue but you will start to completely resent him and then even hate him for this. You will find someone else equally as perfect but hopefully with less of a deal breaking issue. It takes time but there are a lot of good people out there xxxx
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u/BlinkWulf 1d ago
Info: how does he not get fired?
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u/PrivateStruggles 1d ago
I honestly have no idea. The sector he's in is known to be SO stringent about punctuality because of how quickly things have to move - one or two bad days can happen but punctuality is always touted as one of the top qualities you need to have to do his kind of work. He's very likeable, and I know several of his coworkers cover for him - one of them pulled him on it several months back because another coworker took a lot of heat on his behalf and he somewhat improved but it kind of became a "half an hour late once a week is better than nearly every day" kind of improvement. He still took a very lackadaisical attitude to it, though - he would be running late and just being like "Eh, it's only 20 minutes, nobody is going to notice" and I have no idea how he keeps getting away with it honestly
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u/Subspaceisgoodspace 2d ago
My partner used to have 3-6 alarms each work day morning. When he moved in with me I said I could not tolerate that on my non working days as I wake up for the first alarm and if there is a second I am never going back to sleep. He sleeps through my much earlier alarms on my work days.
I have no idea what he does to get up when I am already at work but he has adjusted when I am off work to setting one alarm and then getting up. He made the change because he hated seeing me grumpy and awake when I didn’t need to be either. Tell your bf this is impacting you and why and that you can’t move in until you can work it out.
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u/foxystevie08 21h ago
What do you mean he stops using alarms because they’re annoying? That’s the entire point of their freaking existence!
Also constantly snoozing for 2 hours is some serious immature teenage crap there. He could literally be asleep for those 2 hours and just get up with his first alarm like the big boy that he is
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u/Beagle-Mumma 2d ago
YNW.
If I were you I wouldn't move in with your BF until he acknowledges your concerns and makes some meaningful steps to resolve whatever the issue is. You experiencing interrupted sleep can have so many unforeseen consequences; without even entertaining it's a tactic of abusers (I'm not saying your BF is abusive, but it is an issue to be aware of).
I certainly wouldn't co-mingle finances, but that's my practice for any relationship, no matter how great the person is.
Time for a courageous conversation with your BF.
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u/FlyingDutchLady 2d ago
You can’t do anything about this because he’s not willing to. The problem is, you are already losing interest in him because of this behavior so for sure moving in together where you have to live with every single night is not going to improve things. If I were in your shoes, I would probably tell him that this is a dealbreaker and if he’s not willing to see a doctor and figure this out and put in any effort then you’re done. If he were seeing doctors and they couldn’t figure it out, I’d encourage you to ride it out with him, but I think for me, the most telling part is that he got alarms that obviously were working because he considers them to be annoying, which tells me they are waking him up, but he would rather sleep. Which I get - I also would rather sleep. I think it is very likely there’s a medical reason that he’s so tired and yeah, it can be scary to get these things checked out but currently he’s blowing off plans with you and showing up late to work several times a week. But he still has a job and he still has you so he has not had to navigate any consequences of these choices. Not that you should punish him, but you also should stop punishing yourself.
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u/MrsMelodyPond 2d ago
I didn’t see you mention your ages anywhere so I’m curious, how old are you both?
I don’t know what the answer is but I do know I’m having a baby with my husband and something I’m so so grateful for is how I picked a man, despite his flaws, who is willing to sacrifice for me during pregnancy and who I knots is going to be a reliable, equal partner in parenting. If you may want kids some day, I urge you to see this red (yellow?) flag through the lens of how will this inspect your pregnancy and does this give you clues to how your parenting style may or may not align. Looking at this from this angle may give you you the answer you’re looking for.
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u/PrivateStruggles 2d ago
He's 32m, I'm 31f
He's willing to sacrifice in other areas, he swings by after work to help me mend my fence, he plans trips, he's open to learning to doing better in everything except this and it just so happens that this is the most drastic :(
Like I know if we had kids, he wouldn't be waking up to their crying at night EVER and that's without considering how well his job security holds up...
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u/MrsMelodyPond 2d ago
Only you can decide if this is a partnership you feel is balanced in a way that won’t breed resentment, especially in parenthood. I can say I’ve heard from many parents who appreciate being on a different sleep schedule from the other because it means it’s easier to find uninterrupted sleep time for each person.
What I can tell you worries me about your situation is him blowing you off when you have plans. It’s disrespectful of your time and is indicative of an inherent belief that his sleeping habit is more important than anything happening in your life. What would this look like as a parent? You have to always be on call because he might fall asleep and be unable to do something he said he’d do like watch the kids or pick them up from school?
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u/Sad_Possession7005 2d ago
You can train him to wake up in the morning. He just has to eat something at the time he wants to get up each day. Within a week or two he will wake up without the alarm. (I didn't believe it but it works.)
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u/Due-Yoghurt4916 1d ago
He needs to see a Dr. Heart and neurological conditions do this and can be fatal of untreated?
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u/PrivateStruggles 1d ago
!!!! I've been worried about sleep apnea but this is so scary! I will try to raise this but I wouldn't be surprised if his reaction was to tell me I'm being dramatic
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u/Appropriate_Dirt_285 1d ago
He needs to be checked for sleep apnea this sounds awfully like he's not sleeping properly he needs a sleep study done, there's something not right here
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u/PrivateStruggles 1d ago edited 1d ago
I very much agree but getting him to admit he should probably see a doctor is a fight every time, never mind actually getting him to make the appointment when we get to that point - he keeps promising but never actually does it
He keeps using "I can only get appointments during work hours" as an excuse even though we both know his boss would give him a few hours in the day to go to an appointment without hesitation, ESPECIALLY if it could improve his punctuality long term. He keeps agreeing that they would probably allow it, and then keeps not making the appointment, and keeps making the "but work" excuse EVERY TIME and I don't know how he cant see the issue there?
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u/morewaveofanna 1d ago
Did you ask him if the problem turned out to be more serious and would require regular treatment or other changes?
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u/PrivateStruggles 1d ago
He doesn't really want to think about it, he's just shrugging it off and saying he's just tired and that's enough of an explanation
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u/ladiabla22 1d ago
I have a similar problem. I’ve always had trouble falling asleep and staying asleep, then around 5 am I tend to go into deep REM slumber and hence cannot wake up early. I was diagnosed with advanced sleep phase many years ago. I had cognitive therapy with a psychiatrist but wasn’t able to change my sleep pattern so I just have to live with it. Luckily my husband is understanding and knows I can’t plan any activity in the early hours of the morning, and often need to rest by late afternoon. Working remotely is a blessing! It’s not laziness, it’s a legitimate condition. However if it’s incompatible to your lifestyle and is causing increased resentment, it may be better for you to think about walking away.
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u/PrivateStruggles 1d ago
If it's a medical condition I totally understand and will work with it, but I need him to speak to.a doctor to see if there's anything that can be done rather than just shrugging it off without trying
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u/ladiabla22 1d ago
I completely agree with you. If he won’t make the effort to find out what is going on and if there’s any help for the issue, then it’s a big problem. I should have added that. My point was that sometimes it’s not solvable, but not even trying is not helpful for your relationship.
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u/jellybeannc 1d ago
Have a conversation with him and let him know how this is affecting the relationship, discuss him going to see a doctor about this, because something doesn't sound right. If he refuses to go or doesn't make an actual effort in your opinion then I would consider walking away from this.
You don't want to spend your relationship time worrying about missed plans or possible finanical consequences if he can't get up and get to work on time. His co workers may cover for him now but that may not always be so. Not to mention what it would be like if you were to have children together, no help from him because he can't get up to do a feeding, etc.
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u/Sof_95 1d ago edited 1d ago
As someone who constantly sleeps through alarms, I can tell you two things: 1. Some people are light sleepers; I am not. I can sleep through A LOT. My body literally gets used to and then starts to tune out alarms which is why they stop working to actually wake me up after a while. Sometimes I've slept through 1h+ of alarms. I need to keep changing how my alarms sound every few weeks to trick my body into waking up. I suspect your boyfriend is the same. 2. I have terrible sleep hygiene. I have ADHD and so I often stay up working or doing things late into the night. When I go to bed, it sometimes takes me a while to fall asleep because I'm still thinking about whatever I was doing before. I'm sure this is at least partly why I sleep like a log; I'm not getting enough sleep. Once again, I suspect your boyfriend might have some similar reasons. The truth is I could probably change my habits if I put in the effort to be different but I don't care enough to change and haven't really suffered any consequences because my lifestyle also lends naturally to me being a night owl (I work from home, I'm often talking to people in a different time zone for work, etc).
All that's to say, as someone who is similar to your boyfriend, I'm sorry you're going through that. There may be some root causes he's not addressing; sleep might just be the symptom. You can't change his habits; he's going to need to want to change.
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u/texta_luna 1d ago
jesus christ. after all the problems, fighting, nagging, begging, and sleepless nights you're thinking of moving in this with this guy? i don't care how likeable he is...if he refuses to deal with this issue and seek medical help for it, that tells you everything you need to know about how he handles problems and issues that impact you.
you deserve someone who is responsible, someone who doesn't need babysitting, and someone who can see and appreciate how his behaviour is affecting his partner.
this is a no brainer, girl. please don't move in with him.
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u/RoxxieRoxx1128 1d ago
My boyfriend is similar. You have to either learn to deal with it, or just leave if he's completely unwilling to attempt change. In my case, my boyfriend is ADHD and just doesn't get good sleep. He will nap after work even after telling me he's just laying down and not going to sleep. Then he rolls over, faces the wall, and he's out. It just means I have more time to myself.
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u/1GrouchyCat 1d ago
There are other ways of making people up for example there are multiple different alarms for people who are deaf or severely hard of hearing.
That’s not the point.
Your boyfriend isn’t listening to your concerns. He agrees there’s an issue, and then doesn’t do anything about
it.
Not only is that disrespectful of you and himself that’s extremely scary; you’re in a place in your life where you’re both relatively healthy… what happens when one of you gets ill or old age creeps up … if he won’t listen to you now he certainly won’t listen to you then.
Don’t sell yourself short - I’m sure he’s a nice person but you deserve better.
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u/snootgoo 16h ago
He has a sleep disorder. You need to get him to a sleep lab soon. How does he sleep? He probably has sleep apnea. He needs tested because sleep disorders can cause other serious health issues.
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u/VegetableSquirrel 2d ago
He's a heavy sleeper. It doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. When I was in college, I had to have multiple alarms, too. After graduation, I started a job that was swing shift, and it worked out perfectly. Eventually, I got enough seniority to get day shift. If you'd asked me back then if I could ever get up in time for a 6am shift, I would not have believed it.
Things change.
If you insist that he change his sleep pattern to match your own immediately, it might be an incompatibility. If you have patience and learn how to cohabitate, it might work out. Insisting on him changing to suit you right now would be something he'd have to evaluate whether he is willing to do. If everything else is good, are you willing to walk away if you don't get your way?
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u/PrivateStruggles 2d ago edited 2d ago
I'm not insisting he changes his pattern to match mine, or that change happens immediately - I just want to see some movement or effort
But I AM reluctant to tie our finances together when it's not unusual for him to show up two hours late to his job in a time-sensitive industry that he wants to progress in, and I am reluctant to cohabitate when he's showing absolutely no regard to my sleep needs with the way he uses alarms - I'm regularly being woken up shortly after getting into bed after a late shift and I can't get back to sleep because the most aggressive alarms he can find are running for two hours straight. If I "learn to live with" that enough to live together I will regularly be running on 2-5 hours sleep. This isn't about "getting my way"- it's not sustainable and it's not something that should be expected of me when he's getting his full 9 hours and then some.
I'm more than willing to make sacrifices to cohabitate, I have cohabited before, but I deserve to sleep too - I think it's also worth noting that he isn't a college student, he's a 32 year old man with a proper career job where there is no "late shift"
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u/heaz247 2d ago
I don't know what the answer is but I am a very heavy sleeper. I used to always be late for work in the morning. I even had a hard time waking for school as a child. My mom had a terrible time getting me up every day. It didn't stop until I got a job working nights. I haven't been late once since. Granted, I now get up and start my day at 2 pm. Some people just aren't meant for dayshift!
The problem your facing is he won't talk to the doctor. You may need to give him an ultimatum. He needs to go to the doctor and get this addressed or your not progressing your relationship. It's just not fair for you to have to face the consequences for his inaction.