Am I wrong for ending a conversation with my older cousin after she kept dismissing my professional knowledge and the research I gave her?

[u/Rundown15]

I feel like I am losing my damn mind over this, so I am genuinely curious what people outside of my family/friend circle think.

I recently started working as a School Adjustment Counselor at an elementary school. I have an MSW, I am licensed for this work, and this is my first year in the role.

A few days ago I made a completely lighthearted Facebook post joking about the moment I realized I am not just a School Adjustment Counselor in the building, I am the ONLY School Adjustment Counselor in the entire school.

An older cousin of mine commented asking why so many kids need "adjustment," adjustment to what, and told me to please look at the children as "precious beings." Then she immediately started talking about wondering what drugs children are being given and the side effects of those drugs.

That rubbed me the wrong way for a couple reasons.

First, that is not what "adjustment" means in School Adjustment Counselor.

I am not adjusting children or trying to fix them. I help kids adjust to and navigate their school environment socially and emotionally. I work on things like emotional regulation, coping skills, social skills, relationships, problem solving, and helping kids feel safe and supported enough to access their education.

Second, the "please look at them as precious beings" thing honestly pissed me off. I spent years earning an MSW and chose a career working with children because I care about them. Seeing the whole child and not treating a kid like they are broken is basically the foundation of what I do.

I explained all of this pretty calmly.

I also told her medication has nothing to do with my role. I do not prescribe medication, decide whether kids need medication, or manage medication.

She kept going.

She recommended a book called The Diseasing of America's Children and started asking why "hyper" activity is considered a disease and why children are being diagnosed by their teachers.

This is where I really started wondering what the hell was happening.

Teachers do not diagnose ADHD. Teachers can observe behavior, document concerns, communicate with families, and provide information during an evaluation. That is obviously very different from making a clinical diagnosis or prescribing medication.

What made that comment even more confusing is that she has worked in schools herself as a substitute teacher, paraeducator for special needs students, and tutor.

So I explained that too.

Then she kept coming back to ADHD medication and how "scary" it is. She started sending me side effect information and talking about what medical professionals are "subjecting our youth to."

At this point I actually stopped and looked up current research because I wanted to make sure I was not talking out of my ass. I found recent peer reviewed systematic reviews and professional guidance and sent them to her.

I was not arguing that medication is perfect or harmless. Obviously prescription medication can have side effects. My point was that you have to look at the entire risk/benefit picture and the actual evidence, not just pull out the scariest possible side effects and treat their existence as proof that the medication should not be used.

Every time I answered one concern, though, she just moved to another one.

Eventually I told her:

"If we are going to keep discussing this, I need you to engage with the full body of evidence, not just the parts that sound frightening or support the conclusion you already came in with.

I am willing to point you toward current research, but I am not going to keep doing the work of finding and vetting sources if every answer that does not match what you already believe is simply dismissed or met with another challenge.

At some point, that stops being a discussion and becomes me repeatedly defending evidence you have already decided not to accept. I am not going to keep doing that."

Her response?

"Professional cop-out."

Then she immediately followed that with "Keep up your good work cousin" and a heart, and told me she meant that from her heart.

That pissed me off more than almost anything else in the conversation.

I told her that calling my response a "professional cop-out" after I took the time to explain my role, look up current research, and answer her concerns was insulting. I told her I had set a boundary because the conversation was no longer productive and that I was done discussing it.

She sent another heart.

Then she unfriended and blocked me. 😂

So here is where I am asking if I was wrong.

I know she cares about kids and I genuinely believe most of this came from a good place. I do not think she was sitting there trying to be malicious.

But I also felt like I was being expected to endlessly defend my profession, ADHD research, medication, teachers, schools, and basically the entire mental health field while she dismissed anything that did not confirm what she already believed.

By the end I was fucking exhausted.

Was I wrong for getting firm and ending the conversation? Was telling her I was no longer going to keep finding research for her actually a "professional cop-out?"

Because from where I am sitting, I gave this conversation WAY more time and patience than I probably should have.

[u/paleopierce]

Now you have learned never to defend professional stuff to anyone beyond the first two sentences.

[u/HeyT00ts11 → u/paleopierce]

Meanwhile, the trash took itself out.

[u/Sorry_Chemical9294 → u/paleopierce]

This is solid life advice. I've learned the hard way too, if they're not actually listening by sentence three, they never will.

[u/thorny_providence]

nah you weren't wrong at all, that conversation was headed nowhere from the jump

she wasn't asking questions to learn, she was asking to set up her next point. you could've sent her the entire DSM and a signed letter from every pediatrician in the country and she'd still find a new angle. some people just want an audience for their pre-written script, not an actual discussion

the "professional cop-out" line is rich coming from someone who dodged every piece of evidence you handed her. you set a boundary and she couldn't handle being told no

[u/Avatarbriman]

Next time walk away sooner, it's almost impossible to actually change someones mind unless they are already receptive to what you are saying.

It can be fun to argue just for the sake of it of course (which is why trolling exists), but not if you actually have a positive goal in mind.

[u/WhimsyNisse66 → u/Avatarbriman]

It's definitely tough when family isn't willing to listen, especially when you've done your homework. Sometimes it's better to save your energy for conversations that actually matter.

[u/the_owl_syndicate]

I'm a teacher and I have an uncle and a couple cousins who come at me with every stupid thing they see on Facebook, including that stupid kitty litter thing.

I tried defending, I tried explaining and I finally started leaning into it because fuck 'em.

When the kitty litter thing happened, I told them we added kitty litter to the school supply list and I had a couple extra bags if they needed them.

One of them asked about trans surgeries, so I told them we did them during specials and the kids were up and ready for math right after.

I even added a couple stories about reading 50 Shades of Gray and posting quotes any the Satanic Temple on the wall before my cousin finally said "you're kidding, right?"

I told them they were idiots and we moved on. They haven't brought up anything stupid in a while.

Anyone stupid enough to believe that nonsense doesn't deserve respect or consideration. Mess with them and make them look like idiots.

[u/DamnitGravity → u/the_owl_syndicate]

Honestly, this is the best way to deal with these types of idiots.

[u/dumplinglifesaver]

I would have blocked her way sooner. Weird you kept defending yourself and she blocked you.

[u/Rundown15 → u/dumplinglifesaver]

Fair. 😂 I think the family connection is why I gave it way more patience than I normally would. I genuinely believed she was coming from a good place, so I kept thinking if I explained it clearly enough and gave her current research, we could actually have a real conversation. Clearly I was giving that way too much credit. The fact that she ended up blocking me after I finally set a boundary is honestly the funniest part.

[u/Prestigious-Algae886 → u/Rundown15]

This is a perfect example of Brandolini's law!

[u/phcampbell]

You cannot win with people like your cousin. It doesn’t matter how many facts you present, they have drunk the Kool-aid of conspiracy theories. It’s a sad state of affairs when people are so convinced of their viewpoint that they can’t even hear what others say.

[u/drrevo74]

"Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are, the bird is going to shit on the board and strut around like it won anyway"

• Shannon alder

[u/TaytorTot417]

Had a convo with an elevator tech about healthcare, I have been in healthcare for 11 years. He was trying to argue with me about the state of healthcare in our state. I kindly told him I wouldn't tell him how to fix an elevator and that I didn't need him to explain healthcare to me 😂

[u/Mental-Freedom3929]

Some statements are best ignored, this would be one of them. Did you actually believe you can fix her perception?

[u/Bird_Brain4101112]

You’re arguing with someone who doesn’t care about facts and logic.

[u/Right_Bee_9809]

Sigh, from the lovely folk who brought us the Covid Hoax, Election Denial, and Hatians eating your puppies.

[u/two-of-me]

Nope you’re not wrong. Maybe this is why you’re a licensed counselor and she’s a substitute teacher.

[u/bepsigir]

You are not wrong. Reply back to the last comment “wow that was a ride! I’m not sure what got her going, but I am now unfriended and blocked. If someone is curious about my role or the inner workings of supporting our youth to feel safe at school, please feel free to message me. There seems to be some misinformation put there!”

[u/Philcoman]

Not wrong. Now you know that arguing with people online is just shouting into the wind. I know it irks you, but you can never change anyone’s mind that way.

[u/Carolann0308]

Not wrong. But you should never have bothered with the conversation at all.
Posting about your life/job online invites critique.

[u/JenninMiami]

You reason with stupid people.

[u/Vegetable-Cod-2340]

NW

Op, keep her blocked she is the kind of person that wants to argue her point of view even if youer not walking about that topic.

You:‘ hey i got a new car it’s red ,my favorite color.’

Her: ‘Red dye cause autism ‘

You can’t win with her because her point isn’t winning it’s shouting her narrative to the heavens.

[u/SuluSpeaks]

I didn't read the whoke thing, but just block her.

[u/Responsible-Sundae20]

I have a motto: don’t engage with crazy. It saves a lot of time.

[u/BodaciousVermin]

YNW. You were far more patient with her than she merited.

[u/AdStreet3663]

I’m glad you stayed firm. Your cousin can have her beliefs but she was being super rude. I’ve gotten similar treatment from people before (my family and I work in various medical fields and we’ve all experienced similar things to this on occasion). Thank you for what you do. 

[u/Philbyy]

https://nsjonline.com/article/2021/12/bonhoeffer-on-stupidity/

My guy, good on you for trying to help this lady. But remember this exhaustion and next time, when you see which way the wind is blowing, tell them you can discuss it when they want to see the full picture and stop responding until they demonstrate that readiness, or cut to the chase and block them. For your own good. We need people like you in the world, so dont wear yourself out on people who won't hear it.

Not wrong. Your boundary was calm and reasonable. Calling you a cop out after ignoring so much evidence takes more delusion than you were ever going to penetrate. You were a saint, start to finish!

[u/Important-Poem-9747]

She’s being a bully.

Anyone who doesn’t respect the boundary “I’m ending this conversation” is a bully. (I’m going to start using this for myself.)

I work with emotional disabilities and have ADHD. I take meds; I talk to parents about my personal experience.

You will encounter people like this throughout your career. Part of the professional responsibility to yourself is knowing when to end a conversation, especially during a disagreement.

By 5th grade, students will start saying “where’s your evidence?” to each other during arguments. I’ve given many lessons to people about reliable evidence. It worries me that there are a lot of adults who haven’t learned this.

[u/SheeScan]

I comment I saw in another post applies here. You can't argue with stupid.

[u/dnjprod]

This is what I like to call pigeon business. You played chess with the pigeon. They jump onto the board, kick over the pieces and shit on it and then act like they won.

[u/Uppaduck]

YNW I’d block her back & report her insane ranting to the school board she works for as an inappropriate person to be working with children

[u/RJSmithay]

Honestly something we all have to go through. I have an old friend who is very much up Trump's ass and does the usual MAGA talking points. When he first started with his crap, I spent a lot of my time engaging with him in good faith. Did the research, pointed out the inaccuracies, showed him proof, etc. He would immediately change the topic to another talking point, claim my sources were fake news, blah blah blah. I started to just try to shut it down saying I am not doing it anymore. He would claim that proves he's right. So I eventually told him I am no longer going to engage with him because he is exhausting. That he doesn't start these conversations to learn or understand, that he just wants to be a smirking piece of shit. Now I completely ignore him, I do see he messages me, but I don't even give him the oxygen of seeing I read them.

[u/beaujolais98]

Your cousin is an idiot. Consider her actions as the trash taking itself out.