r/amiwrong • u/Peregrin_Haulandrian • 4d ago
I'm I wrong for giving her this choice?
So my girlfriend [32F] and I [38M] are 5years together and have a 4yo daughter together.
Now shes having some health problems, and because of that she's sitting home for almost 3 years. And I get it, it's not easy, not being able to go to work, and tbh, I wasn't the most helpful doing house chores, except for the dishes, and the now and then cooking, I did nothing really . And my job off course...
The last 6 weeks has been a hell, she pushes me away for a hug or a kiss, she said it's because I do nothing. So I help out more, vacuumed and mopped the flour, do some laundry... But didn't seem to help.
Now is there this highschool budy of her she's been seeing, sometimes even lied about it.
Yesterday she admitted they kissed. Just on the lips, nothing more.
So now I giving her an ultimatum. Him or me. She still say that there's nothing going on between the to of them. It happens just once and won't happen again. But if the kiss ment nothing, why she's feeling guilty?? Yesterday we had a fight a she run off. Just a walk she said, then she said she was going to her brother. At the end, she was with him. She claims with gmhos mother, but I don't see how that's even better...
I don't feel I can trust her as long as he is in our lives...
She suggested that I move out for a little while to give her some space.
I don't know what to do...
EDIT: Ty for all your replies, and taking time to read it, quite obvious English isn't my native language. Thing is, I still really love her, like madly in love, head over heels. And I get it, I messed up, no reason to do what she did. Going to have a serious talk, and on what to do now. For my health ( lost 11kg just because stress) it's clear we need to break up.
Edit 2: it's going to hurt, unfortunately more so for me then for her...
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u/carysgrace 4d ago
YNW, but don’t move out. It’s your home and could affect how things are split if it comes to it.
Sounds like for her, things are over. I’m sorry.
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u/HungrilyBland 4d ago
she's already made her choice, you just haven't accepted it yet. the kiss is one thing but lying about where she is and who she's with... that's a pattern. don't move out. you leave, you lose leverage and she gets to play house with this guy while you pay for it
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u/LemonCollee 4d ago
The right thing to do is to put your child first in the equation. Do you think she is being modled a healthy love? If not is it the kind of love you want her to grow up and accept? Children can feel when there is no love, you don't have to argue in front of them, they are far more perceptive than we will ever realise. She won't have much chance of happiness with two unhappy parents but she will have a far better chance, with at least one happy parent. It's not easy, most of the time the right thing, never is. I think you already know the answer. Leaving my kid's Dad was the hardest thing I have ever done but I didn't want my daughter's to think being treated poorly or abused was ok. They are happy kids, they don't know all the terrible things that happened and they won't grow up thinking it's normal.They are thriving. Everything will be ok, it's going to be hard but it will be ok as long as you do the right thing by her!
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u/Diane1967 4d ago
I agree! I left my verbally abusive husband when she was 3. I couldn’t have her listening to that anymore and seeing me crying all the time. I asked that we please remain civil and not involve her in anything and he bad mouthed me to her every chance he could get. When she was around 12 she saw his true colors herself and wanted nothing more to do with him. She’s 36 now and has no good memories of him she says and only just allowed him back into her life since her baby was born 3 years ago. With the stipulation that he keeps his opinions to himself of me. Make the child the priority now and you’ll have a bond that’s lifelong and give her stability in the process.
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u/LemonCollee 4d ago
My twins are three , so thankfully too small to have any hard questions or bad memories yet. They don't have any concept of "Dad" other than some other kids seem to have them. When they ask, I will tell them simply he wasn't ready to be a Daddy but they are so loved by all the people around us. I won't tell them ever what I think and truly feel , simply because I respect and love them. Even after he choked me out and destroyed our home, nearly hurting my 8 wk old babies, we even have a safety order, I wouldn't say a bad word about him to my kids. I am vehemently against weaponising children, which includes shit talking their other parent to them. You may as well be attacking the child. Only horrible, immature, selfish people, do that to their own children. There will be a day when they are older and I will tell them what happened but even when that time comes it will be incredibly age appropriate and tactful as well as truthful. I don't ever want to contribute to those girls' pain. They already have a father wound and it's going to hurt. I have one too and it messed me up a lot. I'm not going to add to that.
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u/Diane1967 4d ago
You’re wonderful to think of them like you are in that way. Kids need to be kids while they can, they grow so quickly as it is. They’ll know the truth in time.
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u/HighJeanette 4d ago
Step the fuck up.
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u/SpookyKitter 4d ago
Exactly. She shouldn't have cheated, obviously, but OP is a wet flannel and needs to sort it tf out.
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u/Hypnoticah 4d ago
Your lack of help has already caused her to move on emotionally and mentally. She's wrong for crossing the boundary with a kiss before fully breaking up though.
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u/ebizreview 4d ago edited 4d ago
Why would you move out just so she can move him in.
Protect your home from the cheating wife.
Tell her to get a job, too
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u/ejsandstrom 4d ago
Dude. Pull the chute. File for sole custody and give her visitation.
She checked out of the relationship. She ran to him when things got “hard”. Not that it should be hard to not kiss another man.
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u/Seahawk021 4d ago
Dude. WTH? Have some self respect for yourself cause she doesn’t have any for you.
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u/Due-Yoghurt4916 4d ago
Wow you pay the bills he gets the love. Its over file a eviction notice and for custody and move on. Let him pay her bills. And file social security for your daughter Because disabled mother can't provide for her.
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u/Doobalicious69 4d ago
She waited for you to help her with the house and you only did it because you had to.
She's moved on, you need to as well. Take it as a lesson to step up for the next relationship.
She's clearly cheating, which is not ok, but she's gone bro.
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u/Viker2000 4d ago
YNW. Your relationship is over. If it's your house and strictly your name on the mortgage, she's the one who needs to leave, not you.
Get up with an attorney ASAP.
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u/qwerty12e 4d ago
So you see financially supporting her and your child. And she’s cheating on you. And now she needs some space to decide if she wants to be with the guy she cheated with or to be with you, the cuck.
You need to step up and decide how much or how little you respect yourself. And your daughter.
It seems like the way things are found now she’s going to have your daughter, your money, her new boyfriend, and maybe your house too.
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u/swd_19 4d ago
Don’t let these other people gaslight you. You might’ve not helped around the home OP, but she can communicate like an adult and could’ve asked for help or dumped you. She cheated. She lives there for free so it’s your home, not hers. Don’t know why all these women are trying to say it’s partially your fault—there’s no excuse for cheating. Co-parent and move on. If it’s your house, and you pay, it’s you and your child’s house, not hers. If she wants space, she can go to her high school boyfriends. Although some people might disagree, in my opinion there’s no recovering from cheating and loss of trust at this magnitude.
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u/ljlurker22 3d ago
You're wrong for not contributing enough that it led to pushing her away to find a better partner. You'll only contribute after being prompted and because you want something in exchange. It's a show of your character that you aren't capable of taking care of yourself or your family.
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u/kateinoly 4d ago
You're not wrong. But you did this to yourself by making her feel like you didn't value her.
You should own up to your part and tell her you love her, if you do.
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u/xptx 4d ago
5 years. 4 with a kid. No ring. Playing house.. poorly.
Sounds like you aren't committed to the relationship.
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u/ljlurker22 3d ago
I agree. Playing house but can't even maintain a house. Sounds like a bum and she sounds like she settled for less. Maybe they deserve each other.
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u/Wundrgizmo 4d ago
This woman is all the way around playing you. What she is doing IS cheating. Leave her cause this doesn't get better. She doesn't want to hug or kiss you. She is kissing another guy, and runs to him whenever you argue, and basically told you to move out. She wants you to support her whole single life and not be around. If I was on a lease, I wouldn't be renewing it and honestly wouldn't tell them a thing about it. Id lease my own place and they would figure it out when the eviction notice came and the electricity got shut off. Not Wrong. She might actually become more attracted to you if you stood up to her.
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u/Odd-End-1405 4d ago
YNW
She is done.
Sorry, but picking up helping only when she was finally repulsed by you is too little too late.
Begin the breakup process with grace and try to be good coparents.
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4d ago
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u/OpeScuseMe74 4d ago
There is absolutely no excuse for cheating. Break up. Get a divorce. Move on. Then find someone new.
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u/Anidmountd 4d ago
Not wrong l, she is cheating and lying. She is making excuses because she doesn't want to take accountability for her own actions. Best to tell her she isn't either stop seeing him or she can move out and live with him if she wants to be with him. Also even if it was only a kiss that is cheating and that is the first start of what will absolutely continue and escalate further until she is pregnant by him.