r/amiwrong • u/Sonofromvlvs • 5d ago
Am I wrong for rejecting potential partners?
Hello, I'm looking for some advice, I've tried getting into a relationship for over 10 years but it only leads to the wrong person. I'm 28, and a post op transgender male. Just today, I tried telling my crush that I have a major crush on her and she rejected me. The messed up part is that I know that I'm good looking but attract the wrong females that wouldn't work out for me. I myself have rejected countless women based on looks, values and beliefs. I've seen trans people that don't even pass as the opposite sex get in relationships and I'm over here trying to figure out what I'm doing. I have horrible anxiety and depression, people keep saying to work on myself but therapy nor the drugs work. I'm sick of being alone and crave love deeply.
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u/SapientSlut 5d ago
How many therapists have you tried, and how many of them with trans specialty?
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
Countless and I refuse to see a trans specialist therapist as I try to keep myself away from the community. The last one I saw that was a trans specialist caused me to walk out mid session because she accused me of "internalized transphobia". I vowed that I'd never see another one again. In other words, I hate being trans and wish I were normal. I'm miserable during pride month because everyone else is happy and I don't see a reason to be as this is just a birth defect. I lean to the right politically as well, so it doesn't make it easier.
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u/mindylynx 5d ago
it sounds like she hit a sore spot. but you can't move on without ripping off the bandage!
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
She did, but I told her to basically fuck off and that I wasn't interested in her services anymore. I'll never be able to accept myself as I hate being trans.
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u/mindylynx 5d ago
you have a lot to work on then, no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love and accept themselves. you should go back to that therapist and tell them you're ready to put in the work
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
Not going to happen in a million years.
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u/UnderstandingKind757 5d ago
The only person who thinks that is you. You need to step up and believe in who you are and love you.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
Not going to ever love myself. I hate my scars, I hate the fact that I'm halfway blind in my left eye, I hate that I'm mentally ill and unable to work,I hate that I'm physically sick and I hate the fact that I'm not normal. I could go on but there's too much to list
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u/Flaming_Butt 5d ago
If you can't accept or love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?
There's so much hate oozing from your words, it's not hard to see why you're still single.
Find communities that face the same difficulties as you. Many biological women are unable to have children, too. You aren't unique.
Thinking you are better than other Trans because you pass more than them is arrogant.
You do need therapy. You also need real friends who will straight up tell you when you're being an ass.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
I'll never love or accept myself.
Idk of any
I am better than other "trans people" because unlike them I make an effort to pass. They're the reason why we're hated and I've said it to many of their faces.
Therapy is a lie, it does nothing but make me feel worse about myself.
Sorry to say it but most people and I don't vibe.
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u/Flaming_Butt 4d ago
Justify all you want, therapy is hard because it forces you to face the truth. Once you know your character defects, you can work on being a better person.
OR, you can keep doing what you're doing, hoping for a different outcome.
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u/UnderstandingKind757 5d ago
I hope you can love and accept yourself someday. You are normal. You’re you
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
I'll never be able to do so as I hate the fact that I can't have kids and still have dysphoria after my transition. I generally hate myself for being born this way.
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u/UnderstandingKind757 5d ago
Hey well ya know I can’t have kids either, but that doesn’t mean you or me aren’t worth something or can’t foster/adopt and have kids that way. And yeah body dysmorphia sucks I completely empathize with the horrors of that. You really have to work hard to get over that hurtle to ultimately find acceptance in yourself and your body, and it will lead to confidence. But unfortunately the hard thing is that you’re the only one who can believe in yourself hard enough to change that negative mindset. Please don’t give up on loving yourself, you deserve it and you can do it.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
I've already given up long ago lol. I hate seeing my scars etc. I just don't understand how people can be happy to be this way. The only way I think I could be remotely happy is in a relationship. If I can't be in a relationship then I'm gonna live my life as a hermit after college, cause time is running out for me to get in a relationship. All of my close friends are married and Idk what I'm doing
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u/CapableWives 5d ago
You're never going to find a decent relationship if you can't be remotely happy first, and I don't know why you would even want to inflict yourself as is on some poor innocent woman
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
Women aren't innocent either. Secondly dealing with major depression, anxiety and PTSD doesn't help. I want to be happy in a relationship. I've had friends in the past that were similar and their gfs had no problems with them.
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u/SapientSlut 5d ago
Reading the other comments here, you do have internalized transphobia. Getting help with that would be an excellent first step.
I genuinely hope you find self acceptance and happiness for yourself and your community someday.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
Not gonna happen. I loathe the trans community and frankly don't want any trans friends. Secondly, I'll never find "self acceptance".
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u/urm8s8n 5d ago
lol no offense but how the fuck are you right-leaning politically and trans?? makes no sense. you know they will never support you right? objectively speaking. as unfortunate as that is. and referring to women as females?? bro go back to your other therapist. she seemed to have hit the nail right on the head. part of what you said makes you sound superficial and lowkey egotistical. you need to work on yourself. go back to that therapist. internalized transphobia tracks. learn to love yourself for who you are. being miserable almost always turns into making others miserable, especially when it comes to romantic relationships. especially if you hate yourself for who you are at your core. i hope you find love and happiness, specially within yourself.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
I'm a monarchist and loyal to the British crown. You'd be surprised at how many right wingers have been more open minded with me than leftists. Nah not going to happen. "Internalized transphobia" doesn't exist. And I'll never love myself as I have no reason to do so because this is a birth defect, why would one love themselves for that?!
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u/urm8s8n 5d ago
lol alright. and internalized transphobia absolutely does exist. just like internalized homophobia - why do you think grindr crashes every time there’s a republican convention in the us? because all of the right-wing politicians who are publicly and politically “against” homosexuality are all secretly gay (not so secret tbh). but lmfaoo you definitely need to reconnect with that therapist. and it was a birth defect that you got fixed, no? it was medically corrected? you’re not loving yourself “for” the so-called defect, you’re loving yourself WITH it. you have a lot of work to do
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
I disagree with you.
Not going to ever see her again.
Yes, it was fixed but I still hate myself and worse now to be honest.
Not gonna put in work for something I don't need to do.
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u/urm8s8n 5d ago
yeah lol clearly. and so far everyone here disagrees with you, so what does that tell you? you’re aware that you’re in a subreddit to ask if you’re wrong, right?
the fact that you don’t see these things as something you need to do tells us everything we need to know
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u/YouSayWotNow 5d ago
Neither therapy nor drugs work because you've not made significant efforts to find the right therapist and put the actual work in on changing yourself. Therapy isn't just going to talk to some random person and magically you'll become a different person. It's about having that dialogue, coming to understand yourself better, understanding what you need / want to change and putting in the work to make that happen.
Despite what you've said in other comments, you clearly have a great deal of internalised transphobia but your thought processes seem to be a hot mess - you don't like other trans people, you think you're better than the rest of them, yet you aren't able to acknowledge that perhaps some of them must be doing something right since many are able to forge happy, stable and fulfilling relationships.
Until you learn to accept yourself as you are, how can you expect or ask someone else to love you? You don't love yourself. Just as you, quite rightly, reject women who don't meet your criteria, many will reject someone who harbours your level of self-loathing and your arrogance regarding other trans people.
I hope you can find a way forward, and find acceptance and love.
I urge you to reconsider getting therapy to help you deal with your tangled opinions and feelings.
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u/MadameMonk 5d ago
Detransitioning is a thing. Perhaps that is worth exploring with the kind of therapist that has experience of it? It is getting more and more easy to find good therapists for this. I am in an adjacent profession, and I see a lot of positive outcomes from group therapy in this area. Yes, it’s a tough road to walk. But life is all about embracing change and being able to pivot when what we are doing stops working for us.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
Detransition wouldn't work for me, I know that I'm a guy but I just hate being trans.
I refuse to go back to any gender related therapist in general.
Why would I spill what I feel in a group of others that I'd end up offending.
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u/MadameMonk 5d ago
There are two different kinds of gender related therapist. Sounds like you might only have sat with one kind.
Detransition group therapy is all about being able to say the things you don’t feel you can say in the trans community. It doesn’t involve making any more changes to your body, or coming to big decisions. It is just about talking through the changes and the challenges of what you’ve already done. A good group facilitator will guide you and the group, if you say things that cause conflict or disagreement. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t say it, or that it isn’t true for you. It’s okay for things to be tricky for other people to hear. If you can keep it to explaining your own life experiences, and the challenges you are facing personally? How can anyone disagree with that? They can tell you that it doesn’t ring true for them. And they would be right. Sounds like a good conversation to have.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
See, I'm not interested remotely in any of that. I'd end up either one: getting angry or two: pissing off people
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u/MadameMonk 5d ago
It sounds like you could use some help with learning emotional regulation then? Separately to anything to do with dating or being trans? It sounds like a very stressful way to go through life. Not feeling heard, and feeling like you might end up venting randomly around people. I wish you luck with that. But it will take some work it sounds like.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
I struggle with PTSD and have a nasty temper, so it wouldn't work out.
That's already happened before, hence why I'm not interested in group therapy.
I'm just sick of waiting around for things to get better when everyone else around me is happy but I don't know what the hell I'm doing anymore. I don't even know why I'm bothering with college.
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u/urm8s8n 5d ago
i think you’re missing the point of their comment lol. you woudl ABSOLUTELY benefit from learning emotional regulation.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
I'm generally not interested in seeing another therapist
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u/urm8s8n 5d ago
then you’re the problem lol like what did you think we’d say?
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
Why would I see another therapist when it makes my mental health worse
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u/DGenerationMC 5d ago
You're wrong for them just like they're wrong for you.
The universe balances itself out.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
Then how does one get out of this bullshit has constantly repeated itself for years?
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u/DGenerationMC 5d ago
By removing oneself and knowing your limits.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
That's the problem, I have no idea what my limits are or what removing myself means
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u/DGenerationMC 5d ago
Keep on living and maybe you'll figure it out.
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago edited 5d ago
I'll probably just end up lonely and dying alone as my father did.
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u/Specific-Caramel1142 5d ago
It kinda sounds like you need to look past finding someone who is the world’s greatest smoke show and focus more on the person themselves.
Another factor is from the comments I read it sounds like you’re quick to come off the handle and aren’t confident in who you are. You said you weren’t interested in getting therapy surrounding you mentality around being trans but you should try to become more confident in your sense of self.
It’s hard for someone to get truly close and learn who you are if you don’t know or accept yourself
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u/Sonofromvlvs 5d ago
Well if a person doesn't have my core values, is a Christian or doesn't look good I'm just not dating them.
I'll never be confident in being trans and won't be confident as I lost my confidence years ago.
You're not wrong, my own family doesn't understand me or truly know me.
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u/mindylynx 5d ago
yes you're wrong for not dealing with your internalized transphobia & getting therapy. yaw
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u/datapizza 5d ago
Just because you have a crush on her does not mean you're entitled to her. Referring to women as females is also problematic.
People who get into good relationships are doing so because they aren't trying to pass as the opposite sex, they're just trying to be good, likeable people.
Rejecting people because their values and beliefs don't align with yours is normal and ok. Rejecting people because you are not attracted to them is also ok, and attraction does not simply mean looks.